Overcoming anger and depression after your wife cheats on you can be very difficult, but it's something you have to do for yourself if you want to either move on in your life to a different more healthy relationship with your wife or even someone else entirely. One thing most people don't realize is that even if you get a divorce, you're going to have to face the affair head on or it’ll haunt you forever, even with a new partner.

Take Focus Away from the Act

Most affairs aren't always about the act of sex; they are often about the act of intimacy above and beyond sex. This is especially true for women. Women who have affairs often report feeling lonely, having low self-image, or other issues that cause them to fall prey to an affair that have nothing to do with the act itself. Understanding your wife's truth can help you move past that act, thus helping you reduce your anger.

Realize Her Choice Likely Has Nothing to do With You

Most of the time the propensity to have an affair has to do with the inner self and not always to do with the partner. You very well might be the perfect partner yet she had an affair anyway. While it's true no one is really perfect, it's also true that it doesn't always take two to have an affair. Sometimes people cheat for deeply personal issues that would have happened no matter who they were married to. That's why sometimes you find out that someone cheated and it's such a shock. You think "but they have the perfect life". It's because that most affairs have to do with the people in the affair more than the people who don't know about it.

Find an Outlet for Yourself

You have to take the focus off the affair and find a way to give yourself an outlet. If you need to find a life coach, a counselor, or take a course - find a new outlet for yourself that will help you work on your self-esteem. Even though you can't control her, you can control yourself and find something you can do outside of the relationship that is both self-fulfilling and healthy. This can help you change unhealthy thoughts into healthy thoughts.

Work on Yourself

Like finding an outlet, finding ways to work on yourself in terms of your health, your mind, and even your spiritual connection or connections to the world and other people can help you tremendously let go of the anger and depression. Sometimes working on you can include helping others. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, or go away on a mission trip. You’ll soon discover that there are worse things that can happen.

Just Breathe

Sometimes all you can do is get up, and keep on breathing. If you can get up each morning, and make it to breakfast without punching a wall or crying - call it a success. Give yourself a break and take baby steps toward making your life better and taking the focus away from the affair. Your entire life is not about your wife, nor about this one act. There are many other things that make up a life.

Let Go of the Fantasy Images

Sometimes depression and especially anger comes due to the fact that many men have a very hard time not focusing on the sex act. They picture and imagine their lover in the arms of another person whom they build up in to a sex god who satisfies your wife every time - unlike you -- a normal guy who sometimes fails. Well, the truth is, most affairs aren't that satisfying. If you are concerned about satisfying your wife, work on that instead of focusing on some fantasy image that is likely very unrealistic. Marriages include so much more than the sex act, like bills, jobs, and dirty diapers. That's real. Not your fantasy.

Mourn the Loss of What Was

You've lost trust in your wife and maybe even yourself. You may have had high hopes and expectations of the type of life you and your spouse would live and an affair never entered your thoughts. It’s normal to mourn the loss of your innocence. You and your wife will never get that back. But, it’s possible to get to something better, a more mature and realistic relationship that can withstand many trials and tribulations over a long-term relationship. A marriage that truly lasts a lifetime is so much more than a night in bed.

Set a Time Limit

It can help to give you a certain amount of time to wallow in your anger and depression. You've had a huge shock and no normal person would continue on as if nothing happened. Your feelings are 100 percent expected and normal. Your spouse, if she wants to work on the marriage, has to accept your anger and sadness in order to work on the marriage. However, it cannot be something that lasts forever. You cannot be abusive. That will only add to your depression. Healthy anger and healthy sadness is expected, if it goes further seek professional help to set a time limit so that you and your spouse can move past this event.

Focus on the Good Things

If you are trying to make your marriage work, focus on what is good about your life together and not on the past. In order to rebuild the trust you have to give your wife a chance to do that. If she's said she's sorry, and tried to explain what happened, and you want your marriage to work there are so many other things you can focus on. If you love each other it really is possible to focus on why you fell in love in the first place.

Finally, let go of any thought that it couldn't have been you to do the cheating first. It could be either party, moral indignation will not save your marriage, help you release anger or get over depression. It will only add to your problems. Realize that even good people cheat. Good people make mistakes. Imagine if you had done what she did, would you want her to love you and forgive you? If so, then you can get help to move past this and build an even better relationship that can weather any storm.

Author's Bio: 

C Mellie Smith knows from first-hand experience the pain of dealing with an unfaithful spouse. To overcome the anger and depression after your wife cheated on you, visit: http://www.infidelityhealing.com/ and download your free "Overcoming Infidelity" kit and get started on the road to recovery today.