Family- The Weekend Thought

One of the most important things in my life is family, yet sometimes I wonder why.
As I start a new week, the thought of family and relationships is foremost in my mind. Funny, I’m reminded, you can pick your friends, and you can’t pick your family.
In these thoughts, I must remember the father I was while in active addiction. I loved my kids, but did not love myself. I honestly did the best I could as a father, but I will never win the father of the year award. Materially, the kids wanted for nothing. Emotionally, I could give them what I had, but for a long period, that was neither deep nor mature. I attended everything I could, tried my best to be there, but even today, still see the results of some of my behaviors from pre-recovery.
My mother was with our family group yesterday as we celebrated two August birthdays. While I’ve made huge progress in dealing with my “mother” issues over the last years, and particularly through some great coaching over this past year, my mother is an in my face reminder of where I learned my parenting skills.
Funny, today I appreciate that she did the best she could.
Over the last 10 days, I’ve had a couple of in depth sessions with clients. Both had stated that they had self-esteem issues. As we took a journey through their past, there it was again, the devastation caused by things that happened in early childhood! Scary the impact that period of life can have going forward, frightening as to how few people deal with it.
I have dealt with my own issues for over a decade.
At our family get together, and in the midst of a major concern with one of our own children (and her daughter), I am reminded of the importance of family, and the need to break cycles.
There was addiction in my family, and I certainly paid the price emotionally. I became addicted, and am fortunate that people cared enough for me to put me in a corner that made me realize I was addicted and through a power outside myself, gave me the courage to take action. For that I am grateful.
My kids were teenagers when all this happened, and were given a “family” program. They are more aware today of the impacts of parenting than I was, yet the impact I had on the family unit remains. Some have worked on “life” recovery, and the benefits show clearly. One in particular chooses to remain a victim, and havoc remains.
I have done the best I can to make amends, help is available, but I can’t fix nor be responsible any more. My children are adults and as best I can, I try not to control their lives.
On the flip side, there is a bond and support among the “family” that money can’t buy, and through recovery, there is also a degree of healthy behavior. I pray that the bond of “family” stays with our children and grand children long after my time is over!
I must admit, I find being together as a family “interesting”, and am grateful that we get together semi-frequently to celebrate landmarks. I love my family unit, and appreciate the uniqueness of each of them. I remain very sensitive to behaviors of my offspring that are in my mind very detrimental, but try to handle them in a far healthier way. Perfection still escapes me!
Listening to my clients is a great reminder to me that family issues have a huge impact on each and every one of us, particularly in our early years.
I’ve often heard it suggested that parenting classes should be mandatory for everyone before starting a family. What do you think?
As I start a new week, I find the dynamics caused by a “family” day foremost on my mind. I will continue on my journey of the recovery of a healthier life, and hope I can be a positive power of example to those I love the most, and pray a cycle gets broken!
If any of my family reads this, know how much you’re loved!