Say What You Mean: The Art of Authentic Communication

Communication is a two-way street. CLEAR communication is when another person receives the information you have just communicated in the exact same way you intended it to be received.

Yet how often do you experience misunderstanding and miscommunication as a part of your every day experience? With family, friends, employers, clients and significant others in you life?

Few individuals, especially women, are taught to communicate clearly what they mean. Women are often taught to compromise, to be a “nice girl”, and are often expected to always do the right thing. Regardless of age, culture, background or generation, if we are not clear in what we want, what we mean or don’t really know what the right thing is, is it any wonder that we find ourselves stuck or frustrated in our communications?

Here’s a good example. My boyfriend used to say to me, “I have something important I want to talk to you about.” Great! I am always open for conversation with someone I love. He would then begin telling me about what happened that day…how he felt about what happened that day…then maybe say something about an event that happened in the past…that related to what happened that day, and within 10 minutes I had a glaze over my eyes thicker than a Krispy Kreme donut, had a headache from trying to remember what he was talking about and by the time he finished his sentence, I had completely missed the point!

Communication doesn’t have to be so hard – IF you know how to be effective.

Here is a 4-step formula that will help you be more authentic with yourself, with others and communicate more powerfully to get the results you desire more often!

1. Identify what you want.

Why is it important to be authentic and have credibility in your communications? Think about it. Do you feel powerful if you’ve said or done something just to be nice, even when you didn’t really want to? Do you believe others when they tell you they don’t mind (but you know they really do?)

You are responsible for yourself, your feelings and your communications. Most of us are taught to identify with what we don’t want rather than what we do want. The next time you are trying to communicate why you need a more balance in your life, or why you are feeling frustrated, stressed or stuck, fill in the following:

I want __________________________________________________.

The more honest and authentic you are with yourself, the more value you have and the more present you will be able to be in your relationships.

2. Determine why what you want is important to you.

One of my clients was having difficulty communicating with her teenage daughter. Her daughter was going over to her friend’s house every night of the week and my client was worried that she was getting into trouble. The problem was, what she said to her daughter was, “I don’t like you hanging out with those friends of yours.”

What her daughter heard was “I don’t trust you and I think you have terrible judgment in your choices. If you don’t do what I think you should do you will fail.”

I know that sounds dramatic, but we all have perceptions that affect how we hear information. Do you think they were communicating clearly? Here was the real issue.

What my client really wanted was to know that her daughter was safe.

It was important to her because she loved her daughter and wanted her to have a successful life.

Once you have clearly identified what you want, answer the following:

It is important to me because ________________________________.

When she actually communicated to her daughter what she really wanted and why it was important to her, they were able to have an authentic conversation and clear up their previous misunderstanding.

3.Be willing to take the risk to be authentic.

There are risks involved in communicating authentically. By saying no, we often risk being thought of as rude or not helpful. By telling someone the truth, we may risk them being upset with us or excluding us from a group.

The truth is, when we compromise ourselves and what we really want just to be nice, or to avoid disagreement, we only sabotage our self-confidence and trust in ourselves. When we are out of integrity with who we are and what we really want, we only hurt ourselves.

If you ever doubt how you feel, check in with your body. How do you feel? Where do you feel it? Is there a pit in the bottom of your stomach? Does your head hurt from just thinking about your choices?

No one likes to feel alone or like they are letting others down, but by not respecting your own boundaries and communicating authentically to others, you risk letting yourself down in the long run and creating a pattern of lifetime stress.

4.Say it in 10 words or less!

Nothing makes a person tune out more quickly than a run-on sentence. A long, drawn out explanation only weakens your point, even if you think that more words will strengthen it.

Practice the art of authentic communication by saying what you really mean. Once you identify what you want, why it is important to you, what you are willing to risk to speak honestly and authentically, practice saying that in 10 words or less. (Lucky for you, you’ve got 10 fingers and can count them out!)

It may take a few tries, but don’t give up. I promise the practice will change the way you think, the way you communicate, and everyone else will trust you to say what you mean and strive to do the same.