The Balance Between Expressing Our Feelings and Not Condemning People

When we feel unhappy or upset with someone, we often feel reluctant to express our feelings to them for various reasons, even though we would feel better if we did. Maybe we don’t want conflict or to hurt their feelings. Or they might have the power to retaliate and make it work to our detriment. It always seems like a win/lose dynamic. That’s because we tend to express our feelings in a condemnatory way, telling them what they have done wrong. However, we do not always know for sure all the details on both sides. So it usually works better not to make any judgements until we have more information. This is done by solely expressing how you feel without assigning blame. The intent should be to open up conversation and learn more information from their side of the story. So instead of saying things like “You hurt my feelings!” or “You insulted me!”, we can say “When you did (such-and-such), I felt hurt.” or "When you said (such-and-such), I felt insulted. But that's just me. I would like to hear your side of this."

In fact, it’s impossible for anyone to make you feel hurt or insulted. If the exact same thing was done to Jesus or Buddha or Mother Teresa, their response would be totally different, maybe in the following manner: They might first think: "Lord, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Then they would probably ask the person to elaborate on what they were feeling, to get more to the root of their dis-ease. It would probably be because that person feels threatened, insecure or jealous. These self-defeating feelings are not part of their Real Self, and is an indication of unresolved psychological issues like the outer consciousness cutting off communication with, and the feelings of, their soul or inner child. This process of asking them for more information is called active listening. A good book on the subject is called P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr. Thomas Gordon.

Now let’s say that it is us and not Jesus experiencing someone's condemnation. It would then be possible that we did something wrong or unkind to initiate the condemnation. If so, and we are aware of it, then it is a test of humility to admit it. But that does not mean that we are obligated to tolerate someone else’s verbal abuse if that is what their condemnation was. But let’s say their condemnation is unjustified. We can use active listening to help the situation. For example: "John, that (behaviour) is not like you. What's up?"; In that way we are not condemning them, and we are also not suppressing our feelings or avoiding conflict. Suppressing negative ones (dis-ease) eventually cycles down to manifest in physical disease. Suppressing positive emotions just deprives all those involved of a much richer and more rewarding life, and the health benefits that accompany joy and humour.