The Pursuit of Anger Management

The pursuit of happiness is a hot topic these days, especially in the wake of Will Smith’s film of the same name with a “Y” instead of an “I”. If you haven’t seen the film, I strongly suggest that you do, not just because it portrays a young African American single dad who defies the odds to achieve the American Dream (i.e. wealth and power) but because it is a terrific example of the benefits of successfully managing anger.

What is anger management? It depends entirely on who you ask. Definitions of anger management can range from learning to control the explosive often violent behaviour brought on by feelings of frustration, entitlement, need for power or lack of self worth, to attempting to completely eliminate anger or rage from our vocabulary of emotions by allowing for a more peaceful, balanced way of looking at the world.

Talk to some psychologists and counselors and they will give you a host of strategies so that you may express your anger appropriately. You might be told to use “I statements” such as “I feel angry when…” rather than “You made me angry when…” so that you are accepting responsibility for your feelings, actions and their consequences. Or it might be suggested that you count to ten, think before you react, breathe deeply for a few seconds or imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of your wrath. These are all very effective suggestions that may indeed have a positive outcome on how you express your anger, but they take an awful lot of work.

Ask a Buddhist how to control yourself when angry and they might give you some ideas on how not to feel anger at all, such as meditation, becoming vegetarian and perhaps the practice of chanting a mantra. What? Not feel anger at all? Is that possible or even good for us?

Many anger management specialists agree that anger is a normal, natural expression of the human experience, and just like love, anger is a vital part of our evolutionary process. After all, if we didn’t have appropriate boundaries that we protected from infringement with our anger, if we were to simply allow people to walk all over us, wouldn’t that mean that we would be susceptible to thieves, con men and women and open to all manner of charlatanism and abuse?

One thing most experts can agree on is that the suppression of anger is never a good thing. Suppression and denial of anger can lead to detrimental outcomes for us because often the anger turns inward and we become enraged with ourselves and our inability to communicate our needs and desires to others. We feel powerless, ineffectual and unworthy. Studies have clearly demonstrated depressive illnesses, covert aggression and a host of other health risks such as high blood pressure, increased heart rate and even cancer are the result of repressed anger.

So one mustn’t suppress it or express it inappropriately but we in the Western World believe anger is an essential part of our being, so where does that leave us in terms of answers? The anger management industry is experiencing an enormous boom as people struggle to come to terms with what they believe are justified feelings of anger and the “right” way to express it.

Eight years ago after undergoing radiation treatment for a rare tumour and living with a very uncertain prognosis, I experienced an inner peace and gratitude that lasted for about a year. During that time, I was rarely angry for the simple reason that very little bothered me. It was like water off a duck’s back in terms of the small irritations of modern life, like being cut off in traffic, having someone butt in line in front of me or not getting service in a timely manner. Nada, no response, I existed peacefully with others, easily maintaining a “live and let live” attitude. I was just so happy to be alive; every single day with my children was a blessing. I was content to wait my turn or to allow others their issues and not take it personally. It was like a gift from heaven and more importantly, I had never felt so powerful.

Slowly this blissed out feeling dissipated, leaving me even more sensitive than I had been before. I was told this was a “normal” reaction to what I’d been through, kind of like survivor guilt and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder all blended into one hypersensitive bundle of nerves. I hated it, I wanted to go back to my state of blissful peace and I’ve been looking for the way back ever since. I know that not taking it personally is a big deal; I understand that gratitude is a huge factor, blaming others for my situation is becoming more and more repugnant and I meditate and use self-hypnosis regularly. It’s creeping back, like a feral cat, unsure and ready to beat a hasty retreat, that feeling of anger-free power I experienced years ago. It requires careful coaxing and deliberate, conscious effort, but I, like the Buddhist monks know, it’s well worth it. Part of that recovery process for me means helping others to get there too. I want to share the bliss, be generous with the power and get others to that incredible place where anger management is moot and becomes a matter of bliss, peace and power management. I mean, what would the world be like if no one got angry because they were too busy being grateful, happy, hard-working and successful?

Maybe there would be more people like Chris Gardner, the man Will Smith plays in The Pursuit of Happyness. A man who takes responsibility for himself and his son, who doesn’t take the easy way out by blaming his life on the fact that he grew up without a father and his angry, embittered wife ran out on him. This man is able to see the big picture, seldom allowing himself to get frustrated by the petty demands of a boss who makes him get the coffee, fetch the donuts and move his car seemingly on a whim.

Chris Gardner lets it go, moves on. There is no sense of entitlement, he works hard in the hopes of getting what he wants, and Chris doesn’t expect any free rides. He frequently uses his sense of humour and is undeterred and polite even when he hears the word “no”. When Chris asks a young successful looking man parking his Porsche what he did for a living the young man answers “You’ve just got to be good with numbers and good with people.” I believe it should be taken one step further, I think we need to be good with ourselves.

Understanding both our strengths and weaknesses and being willing to do whatever it takes to heal old wounds, release past grievances and move on towards a brighter future are all essential components of true success and are indeed the foundation of anger management. Maybe if we truly understood the value of perseverance, integrity and letting go of the small stuff without allowing ourselves to become doormats, we could retrieve the power of peaceful living from under the rubble of rage that litters the lives of so many.