Addressing a Betrayal or an Emotional Affair by Linda Lipshutz, MS, ACSW

I Want to Believe Him, But……….

In today’s world, we like to think of ourselves as worldly and open-minded in our love relationships, but what happens when our instincts are telling us that something is not quite right? Listen to your Gut Feelings!!!!!

It wasn’t too long ago that family life was fairly insular. Of course, there were temptations in the community or at the workplace. A former relationship could be re-ignited at a class reunion. But the logistics of flaming an extra-curricular relationship were often daunting and cumbersome.

Modern technology has changed all of that. The internet, Facebook, texting, and cell phones have created an environment that can offer a treasure trove of excitement and opportunity for those who are so inclined, and the means to do so instantly, and with privacy.

How do you know when your loved one’s activities have crossed the line into dangerous or worrisome territory? What if you suspect that a friendship has crossed over a line? Listen to your Gut Feelings!!!

It could be possible that your partner has shifted emotional energy outside of your relationship, whether it is with another person, or via the internet. It is unfortunately not uncommon for a person to intentionally, or unintentionally cross relationship lines, hurting not only the ones they love, but also, THEMSELVES.!
In the process they often compromise their own core values and sense of integrity.

They may have started to share increasingly more and more personal confidences and experiences with a receptive third party. As the intensity of the extra-curricular friendship heats up, they have entered a domain of secrecy and deception, which puts strain and distance on the primary relationship. If confronted, they are often reluctant and unwilling to address the extent of their involvement.

However, addressing concerns sooner, rather than later, might head off irreparable damage before things have careened too far out of control.

If you have suspicions, your first inclination might be to call him very name in the book or to throw a cup of hot coffee in his lap! This is obviously NOT advisable!
First of all, you are not necessarily sure what is going on. Putting your loved one on the defensive will not promote an atmosphere conducive to discussing the concerns and red flags.

When facing the repercussions of a betrayal, many people realize that they do NOT want to lose their primary relationship. Lying and deceitful acts erode the security, integrity and intimacy of a couple. Not everyone can survive the hurt and anger. Picking up the tattered pieces can be heartbreaking and exhausting.

It takes tremendous patience and perseverance to address a relationship’s vulnerabilities and to repair the damage. Both parties must be on board to move through their hurts to solidify the boundaries necessary to shield them from outside influences. They must find a way to join together, as a cooperative team, to face life’s demands, whether it be finances, employers, in-laws, etc. They have to make a conscious decision to respect and support each other, even when they disagree, and must be determined to come up with compromises they can live with.

I have met many couples who have decided that their relationship is definitely worth the effort. They were able to successfully tackle the challenges and move through their disappointments and anguish to forge a relationship that will have to be very different, but potentially even better than before.

Linda Lipshutz, M.S., LCSW is a psychotherapist committed to serving individuals, couples and families. A Palm Beach Gardens, Florida resident, she holds degrees from Cornell and Columbia and trained at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy in Manhattan. She can be reached at her Gardens office at 561 630 2827, or online at www.palmbeachfamilytherapy.com.