Angry At My Husband For No Reason: Why Am I So Angry At My Husband All The Time

Do you ever get angry? Of course. But, here's a less obvious question? Are you always clear who and what you are angry about?

Before you can decide what to do about your anger, you need to be sure you understand what the anger is really about, and who it is really towards. In the example below, Abby was frequently angry at her husband, only to discover she was transferring onto Lloyd her anger at her father's treatment of her as a child. So, you can't decide what you want to do about your anger until you fully understand it.

"You're suggesting my anger at Lloyd is really about my father, right?" Abby has been seeing me for several weeks. She has explored lots of reasons why she is, in her words, "irrationally" angry at her husband, but we have not made much progress.

"It's true, I have resisted talking about my father. But, I don't buy it. I've always known I'm angry at him. I don't think I have to go digging and probing the past."

"You don't," I say, "unless you want to save your marriage."

Abby runs her fingers through her hair. "You shrinks are all alike. Always wanting to dig up the past; always blaming things on your parents."

"No, I don't always want to dig up the past. Only when the past is interfering with your present. And, when everything else we've tried isn't making a difference in how you feel," I counter.

"Okay," she says reluctantly. "So what do I have to do?"

"Here's an exercise that will help you figure out what you have to do. I suggest you write your father a letter, not to be sent," I emphasize. "You must be free to say absolutely everything you feel, without worrying about his reaction. To remind you you're not to send it, I recommend you start with 'Dear F_g A_, Dad. And to ensure you keep remembering this is not to be sent, and to help you stay focused on your anger (it's so easy to slip back to intellectualizing or forgiving), I recommend you use a minimum of five swear words."

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Even if you never swear, there is something about using swear words that help you go deeper into the anger. Many people avoid that. They say, "I've told my father (mother/brother) I'm angry. I don't' need to do anything more." However, if the anger still burns inside, or as with Abby, it gets transferred onto someone else, just stating you are angry isn't sufficient. This type of letter helps you get to the core of the anger, often something more significant than you can imagine.

Abby has trouble getting started. For several weeks, her excuser is some variation of, "I'm thinking about what I want to say."

I finally say, "You are thinking too hard. This is not a letter to think about; it's just to get at some of your feelings. When you think, you censor."

"I want to say just the right thing, though."

"That's part of the problem. You can't say the right thing until you know what you are feeling. Remember, this letter is not to be sent. If afterwards, you want to send him a letter, you can decide then what to write. Or, you may not even want to write him. You have no idea how you'll be feeling at that point."

The following week, Abby comes in with a five page letter. "You won't believe what happened." She grins sheepishly. We'll, maybe you will. I started off with all the old stuff - how angry I was he never came to my school plays; he never did anything with me. He yelled at me or ignored me. He never kissed me or hugged me. Then I went on, using all my swear words, at how angry I was he humiliated me, put me down in front of my friends. He never had anything nice to say about me or to me. I was on a roll. I remembered how I wanted him to teach me to drive, take me to Sunday School, help me open a bank account (when I was ten years old). I went on and on, ranting that if he had cared about me he would have treated me better.

"Then I found myself writing if he hadn't wanted to do these things, he shouldn't have been a father; he never should have had me. That led me to how he talks about my childhood as if we had done all these wonderful things together. My anger just plopped. I got horribly sad. My father didn't know me; he created in his head the father he wanted to be. That father, though, didn't exist."

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Abby sits silently, staring at her shoes. "No, I would never send this letter. I don't know if I will ever even confront him. He wouldn't know what I was talking about. He fabricated my childhood; the real me didn't exist for him." She nervously crosses and re-crosses her legs. "What do I do now?"

I take this as a rhetorical question and wait.

"Well, the first good thing is that Lloyd and I are getting along so much better. It's as if the anger I was thrusting on him has been re-focused. This is major. My anger at my father is so deep, but it's totally worthless to try to talk to him or send any letter."

I remind her, "I said the letter you just wrote was for you, not him. And it seems you got a lot out of it. What's important for you from this? How can you use what you are feeling to help you?"

"I need to keep reminding myself I am a valuable person. I have bought into my father's image of me; I kept thinking something was wrong with me, and any time Lloyd criticized me, it was if he confirmed my father's belief - I'm worthless. I guess I've been living down to Dad's low expectation of me."

Abby thinks for a moment, then continues. "I'm going to have to let go of that. He didn't know me, so he couldn't have any accurate expectation for me. This changes so much - without changing anything. I mean, I'm still the same person I was before, but now I have to see who that person really is, not see her through my father's distorted eyes.

This should make a big difference with Lloyd. I don't have to fight him as if fighting for my life. It's not the end of the earth, when we are having ordinary arguments, probably like all couples.

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You have spent months of planning your wedding day and dreaming of your future life with your spouse. Making the arrangements to make your beautiful day special and thinking about your honeymoon was building up the excitement. Then, once the honeymoon is over, reality sets in and married life begins. Although you may have the greatest marriage, there are sure to be times when things are not quite as exciting as they used to be. So when things start getting a little boring, what can you do to save your marriage? Well... spice it up!

Get Spontaneous
Even though there is nothing wrong with having daily routines, they can surely make things boring if nothing ever changes. Break up the monotony by doing something totally new and different. Plan a date night and go somewhere you have never been before. Instead of making it a weekend date, you could go out on a (gasp)... Wednesday!

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Weekend Getaway
Plan a romantic weekend away for just the two of you. This does not need to be expensive. Getting a room at a local hotel and nice dinner can be done inexpensively. As much as you love your children, spending time alone together is very important for the health of your marriage. Even if you do not have children, just getting away from daily life can be beneficial.

Intimacy
Being intimate with your spouse can become routine like as well. Change things up and do something different. Surprisingly, some people are afraid to talk to their spouse about intimate things they desire. If you feel comfortable, open up to your spouse about what you would like and see what he or she would like as well. You may just be surprised by the reaction you receive.

Keeping your marriage exciting does not need to be a chore. Try these tips and you are sure to spice things up and save your marriage in the process.

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Surely, there are useful tricks that can be employed in a positive manner to lift up your mood and make you say, yes, I can save my marriage. The techniques can yield wonderful results.

To begin working at saving your marriage, it is best to know why it's not work anymore. You need to spend some time either together or alone to examine the relationship, to see what the problems are. What are your needs that are not being met in your marriage. And, what needs does your spouse have that you are not fulfilling. Objectivity is the key in tackling this step.

Another important aspect in saving a marriage is to understand that both men and women have similar but different needs. When you know what these basic needs are and how to meet them, you may have solved the problem to your marriage.

When you are in a marriage and your needs are not being met it can be very frustrating and heart breaking. As a marriage ages, it becomes important to be vigilant in meeting our partners needs. When we are first married we will do anything to please our spouse, but as the years pass, we become much more accustom to each other and begin to take each other for granted.

Of course, the most important part of saving a marriage is addressing the immediate problems, but for the long term health of a marriage, you need to see it with fresh eyes. Try thinking like newlyweds, change things up, be spontaneous, definitely don't do the same old things.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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There are few worse things that can happen to a marriage than somebody having an affair. Usually when this happens it ends the marriage, however this does not have to be the case. If your partner has an affair it is possible to stay together. You will have to take an honest look at your marriage to decide if it is worth saving, if it is there are things that you can do to keep it together.

The most important thing that you are going to have to do in order to keep your marriage together after your partner has had an affair is to address the trust issues. All good marriages are built on trust and clearly this going to be a problem after an affair. The only way that this is going to happen is if you and your partner can communicate in an honest way. This is not easy to do, especially when you have to hear about the affair but it has to be done if you want to save your marriage.

Another important step in saving a marriage after an affair is to forgive your partner for cheating. This is closely related to rebuilding trust. It is not enough that you start to trust your partner again, they have to know that you trust them. There is no way that this is going to happen if you haven't forgiven them for the affair. It is not going to be easy to forgive somebody who has done something so horrible but unless you are prepared to do it there is little chance of staying together.

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At some point you and your partner are going to have to address the reason why they cheated. This is not an easy conversation to have but it is an important one. Clearly there is something wrong with your marriage if one of you found it necessary to have an affair. If you don't address what that is there is a pretty good chance that it is going to happen again.

It is important to keep in mind if you are trying to save your marriage after an affair that you both have a role to play. If you expect the person who cheated to be the one who does all the work to keep you together you will be disappointed. Marriage is a partnership and you have to work together to keep it going.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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