Angry At Spouse All The Time: Why Am I So Critical Of My Husband

Do you ever feel so angry your face gets hot, your heart starts to pound, and you begin to grit your teeth? Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion, but it's imperative to deal with anger in a positive way. Uncontrollable anger can lead to destruction, as well as to problems with your health and your relationships. It can lead to ulcers and heart disease and can ruin friendships and relationships in no time flat. Take a step back and feel the anger before you act on it. Here's how to control your anger before it controls you.

1. Acknowledge It - Admit that you're angry, either to yourself or as calmly as possible to the person you're angry with. Doing this can feel very validating and can put you on the right track to resolving your issues.

2. Take Time Out - Count to 10 and take deep breaths before reacting to a stressful situation. This can help calm your nerves and lessen your anger. If at all possible, remove yourself from the area in order to take a break from either the person or the situation.

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3. Go Mental, Think Blue - If you cannot remove yourself from the area, look around and count the blue things in the room. When you get angry, all of your energy is focused on being right and justified. This is an emotional place that can ruin your connection with others. It is a better idea to try to pull away from the emotions a bit so you can actually explain your feelings to the person with whom you are angry. How do you do that? Play a mental game. Count the blue things in the room where you are. This engages the thinking part of your brain and helps defuse the emotion. (Still angry? Count the red things.)

4. Think First - Think before you speak. This should be a motto in everybody's life, "Once you say it, you can't take it back." Collect your thoughts before you say one word. Allow others in the situation to do the same.

5. Seek Perspective - If possible, think of all the things you are grateful for in your life, and all the positive things going on in your world. Doing this can really make you wonder if your anger is even worth it. Try to remember you will not always feel like this. When you are angry, you can quickly feel despair and a sense of hopelessness. If you can remind yourself that this feeling is transitory, you might find that you feel more hopeful. This hopefulness can lead you to communicate more easily, making it more likely for you to get what you really want - connection and acceptance.

6. Don't Hold Grudges - If you allow anger to overshadow positive feelings, you may find yourself in a position of bitterness. Forgiveness is divine. If you can forgive the person who angered you, you are on the right path.

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7. Find Your Rock - Discuss the problem with someone you trust, whether that's your spouse, your parent(s), another family member, a friend, or your counselor. Ask them to allow you to vent to get the situation out of your system. Tell them you are not asking for advice, you just need to get it off your chest.

8. Lose Your Lizard Brain - Understand that when you are angry, you are in "fight or flight" mode. Brain science tells us that when we are angry, the primitive part of our brain (think: lizard or crocodile) is in charge. The blood and oxygen normally involved in the thinking process leave the brain and go to the main muscle groups. This is so you can decide to flee or to fight. That said, the more developed, "thinking" part of the brain is not flushed with blood and oxygen. This means that communicating clearly and understanding relationship intricacies is not possible. Knowing this bit of brain science can help you decide to "get your point across" later when you are not in your lizard brain and better prepared to communicate.

Knowing when to get help to learn to control your anger is challenging. If your anger seems to make you out of control, causes you regret, and hurts those you work with or especially those you love, it's time to seek help. With professional help, you will learn what anger is, what triggers your anger, the signs that you are becoming out of control with your anger, how to respond to your anger in a healthy way, and if there are underlying feelings present, such as loneliness, sadness, or depression.

If you're having a difficult time handling your anger, anger management can be accomplished by attending counseling. The sessions can be attended by just you, you and your spouse, you and your family, or in a group setting.

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How do you measure up as a spouse or partner? Unfortunately, especially when problems arise, people often are so busy counting and pointing out their partner's faults and shortcomings that they fail to take a good look at their own attitude and behavior.

Some questions to ask and seriously consider are: What would it be like to be married to you? What would it feel like to be talked to, the way you talk to your partner? Would you like to be treated the way you treat your partner?

If you take a careful look, you may find a couple of areas that could use a little improvement. You may want to focus on being more patient, kind or helpful. Become aware of your own behavior and how it might be perceived by your partner. Self-awareness is the beginning of a healthy self-esteem and a healthy self-esteem makes you a better partner.

If you each live so that you are an asset in the other's life, your relationship will be a much more pleasant place to live. When you hoe your own row and let your partner hoe his/hers you will probably find much more growth and harmony. Criticism, nagging and other negative exchanges are the worst possible way to motivate people.

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Some may excuse themselves by saying that their partner brings out the worst in them. And it is true that some people seem to, in effect, turn each other into monsters. However, it is important to recognize that you, and only you have control over your behavior and if your partner is controlling your behavior, it is because you have given your power to them. It is time to stand on your own two feet and decide the kind of person you want to be. It is time to act rather than react.

If you want to be thought of as a kind and thoughtful person, then behave in a kind and thoughtful way. If you want to be thought of as non-judgmental then stop judging others and even yourself.

Taking a good hard look at yourself and becoming aware of your strengths and limitations is not the same as judging yourself. The one involves being realistic, learning from mistakes and growing as a person. The other involves getting stuck in guilt, shame and blame.

Nathaniel Branden said, "One of the most significant characteristics of healthy self-esteem is that it is the state of one who is not at war either with himself or with others."

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The following relationship advice for women should be taken with a pinch of salt. Don't follow it to a T, simply use the concepts that I'll cover in it to improve your relationship with your man. Usually, people who are loud and obnoxious are hard to get along with. They simply aren't considerate, don't listen to other people and have attitude problems. However, what I'm about to suggest is that by being more loud and obnoxious, you can actually get your husband to love you more. If it sounds counter-intuitive to you, that's because it's supposed to be. Let's read on...

1. State Your Opinion

A lot of women are scared to state their opinion, simply because they fear social exclusion if what they say doesn't fit in to the social norm. Someone who is loud and obnoxious would state it without any consideration for who it may offend.

Men would like women who are obnoxious in this case because they would be more honest in a relationship. They would also be more interesting to talk to, not to mention more intelligent for having an opinion that they wish to voice in the first place.

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2. Leader

Leaders are people who have some of the hardest jobs in the world. Politicians, CEOs, rights groups. They generally aren't liked. They may also be loud and obnoxious, since these people also generally aren't liked.

Having said this, there is a lot to like about leaders. They are usually passionate about something close to them, such that they would vehemently defend it, even if it meant becoming obnoxious in the process. A leader also sacrifices, which men think is a good quality in a woman.

3. Confidence

Who could forget confidence. People who are loud and obnoxious are generally very confident people. They may be disliked, but they don't care.

There's a lot to love about confidence. It shows that you're sure about yourself. It shows that you have the guts to defend something you care about. Men like confidence in women.

So if you follow this relationship advice for women, you might become more disliked in general. However what you would gain as a result from being a confident leader who states their opinion freely is an extremely loyal and loving man. Are you willing to sacrifice your quietness for more of your man's love? It takes courage, but if you're not willing to lose that, the love of a really loyal man will be that much harder to gain.

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Some of the most common marital difficulties, including finances and infidelity, can make seeking counseling even harder. The spouse who is cheated on may feel they have been made a fool of and, like most of us, might have trouble admitting how they feel face-to-face with a perfect stranger. Likewise, a repentant adulterer may find it hard to air their own failures.

Many married couples say what they argue about the most is money. Given the current economic situation this is no surprise. In addition, a man who has been laid off may feel emasculated by the sudden unemployment. Finances are always a touchy subject and adding crushing debt and/or unemployment to this volatile mix is a recipe for an explosion.

Both of these scenarios are two of the most common reasons why people avoid marriage counseling. In addition to problems with having to disclose secrets and spending money a couple does not have, finding a qualified counselor, especially in rural areas where fewer counselors are available, can be another excuse to avoid getting the help needed.

Online Counseling-The Twenty-First Century Answer

A rapidly-expanding niche is now available which seeks to address all of these concerns-online marriage counseling.

Online counseling has a number of advantages over traditional methods. Many online counselors will not ask for real names, so the anonymity of the Internet can help people open up about their feelings, mistakes, and secrets. In addition, by using an online counselor you are assured of avoiding the awkwardness of running into a friend or acquaintance in the waiting room.

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Many online counselors can avoid the overhead of having to maintain a physical office and staff so their fees can be greatly reduced. Some may even counsel couples free of charge, thus eliminating the worry of adding to an already stressful financial situation. Not only is the counseling fee itself reduced, but, since you do not have to drive to a physical location, you can save on gas as well as wear-and-tear on your car.

If you live in a rural area you probably already know finding any medical professional can be difficult. Many small towns may lack a certified professional marriage counselor. A pastor may attempt fill that role, but most are not professional counselors. You would not trust your pet to an amateur veterinarian-why trust your marriage to an amateur counselor, no matter how well intentioned they may be? Online counselors are available to you no matter where you live, therefore a certified professional is as close as your keyboard.

Many married couples, especially those with children, have very busy schedules. Taking time off of work or spending much-needed weekend down time to see a marriage counselor can be problematic, not to mention the logistics of finding a time which is convenient for you, your spouse, and the counselor. Online counselors have schedules which are much more flexible than a traditional counselor. Some may even be available twenty-four hours, seven days a week for regular appointments and/or emergencies.

Technology has changed our lives in so many ways over the first decade or so of the twenty-first century. While not all of these advances have been positive, making certified professional marriage counselors more accessible to those who need their help the most is something which can not only benefit the married couples who seek out therapy but, by saving marriages which might otherwise end in divorce, it has the potential to help make our society better.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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