It may seem impossible when you first find out that your spouse is cheating, or realize you’ve cheated and potentially destroyed your marriage, to realize that you can come out of infidelity with a happier and healthier marriage. It really doesn’t mean the end if you are both committed. Here are some things you can each do in order to repair your marriage.

For The Former Wayward Spouse:

• Stop the Affair Immediately – You cannot keep going with the affair and make your marriage work. You must stop it, and stop it now. If you work with this person you need to take steps to find another job so that you’re not near the person. Even if you do not feel tempted it will be too hard for your spouse to deal with you being around the person. It’s not to say it’s all that other person’s fault, but it is to help your spouse overcome the infidelity and help your marriage heal.

• Be Willing to Answer Questions – When your spouse first finds out about the affair they’re going to have a lot of hard questions. Some of them will feel down right personal and be things you don’t want to answer. But, if your spouse asks, and you should let them ask, do not feel attacked. Instead, answer the questions repeatedly if needed. Tell the truth, and don’t hold back even if it’s painful and unflattering.

• Be Compassionate to Your Spouse – Don’t be repelled by the amount of emotion your spouse will show about the affair. Try to show empathy and compassion. Be there to comfort them and reassure them about your intentions for your marriage. It may take you a lot to do this because you’re going to want to move on quickly but it’s going to be a lot harder for your spouse. They really do not know what’s in your heart and head, and now they do not trust what you say. You’re going to have to be more patient than you ever thought possible if you want your marriage to survive and thrive.

• Take Full Responsibility – Even if there are other problems in your marriage once an affair has come out into the open it’s not time to address those problems yet. You will need to address them eventually but do not use them as an excuse for the affair. Instead, take all of the responsibility for the affair because it was your choice and not something your spouse can accept any responsibility for.

• Keep Listening – Your spouse will need to talk a lot about the affair and about their feelings and you will need to keep listening. Listen to how your spouse feels, how they hurt, how they’re lacking in trust now and how this has affected them. Really hearing it will help you avoid ever doing this again if you really care about your marriage and your spouse. It may be hard to keep hearing it but it’s important to your recovery.

• Be Committed to Your Marriage – Once you end the affair, you’re going to have to recommit to your marriage in a symbolic way at some point. This is going to help you and your spouse move on from the infidelity. If you really want to beat the odds and survive infidelity this is an important step to take for your marriage. Both parties need to be ready for this and should be a final step toward reconciliation.

For The Betrayed Spouse:

• Ask Questions – Once you find out about an affair you’re going to have a lot of questions, some of them you may feel bad asking. But, it’s important that you voice the questions and ask them instead of allowing them to play over and over inside your head causing you to lose sleep and make up things that may or may not be true. Plus, the fact that your spouse is willing to answer the questions with love, care and kindness will mean a lot to the recovery of your marriage.

• Get Mad – It’s perfectly fine to get angry and get mad. Anger at your spouse for cheating on you is as natural as the pain is. You are human. You’re allowed to get mad and express it. However, be careful about how you show it. Do not become abusive in your quest to get answers or to show your spouse how badly they hurt you. Try to channel the anger into a positive way so that you can get answers, and move forward in your marriage and not backwards.

• Set a Limit – In order to truly recover from infidelity you’ll need to come to a place where you do not speak about it anymore. This isn’t going to happen overnight but it will help if you set limits. For example, early on you’re going to wallow in it, and that’s okay, but as time goes on set shorter and shorter time periods where you will bring up the affair and ask questions. Eventually, you want it to be something in the past that you just don’t need to talk about or think about because it’s done.

• Be Ready For The Rollercoaster – Overcoming infidelity isn’t a straight path. It’s more like a rollercoaster ride with many ups and downs. You’ll have good days and bad days. As long as you realize it, it won’t be as hard to navigate. Go with the good days. If you are feeling loving toward your spouse show it. They also need incentive to know that you will forgive them and you will move past it if your marriage is to work. Don’t only show them the down days.

• Forgive Slowly – The fact is you shouldn’t forgive your spouse right away for infidelity. You will need to know for sure that your spouse really does want the marriage to work. Not just work, but thrive. You want to be sure that they are in the marriage for good, and for happiness not just because they think they have to. If you take your time to work toward forgiveness because your spouse wants it and deserves it, then it will be a more permanent act rather than one just based on fear of loss.

• Get Support – Hardly anyone can get through infidelity alone. You’re going to need support to help you. The fact is, support from your family probably isn’t going to work. You need support from outside sources that have the same goal that you have, which is to make your marriage not only work, but to beat the odds and not just survive the affair but end up with a super happy marriage in the end.

If you’re both committed to bringing back the love and trust in your marriage, you can beat the odds. There is no doubt. Many people come from an affair and say that without the affair their marriage wouldn’t be as good as it is now. You can be one of those people if you do the work necessary to beat the odds.

Author's Bio: 

C Mellie Smith knows firsthand the pain of betrayal. At Infidelity Healing her mission is to help couples beat the odds and survive infidelity together. Visit: to get started.