Create the Life you Deserve

Create the Life you Deserve to Live
What would gaining more inner-confidence give you?
How could feeling more confident improve your life?
Are you ready to really go for it? To take a good long, hard look at who you are? To not just skim read through this article, but to actually do the activities and exercises? To explore, play and experiment? Are you ready to believe that you can be the person you long to be? That person who is just waiting for the chance and permission to shine? You know she already exists really, she has just got a little lost along the way. With a bit of gentle coaxing and cohesion she will soon start to emerge, just like the butterfly form the chrysalis, or a delicate flower slowly opening its petals to the sun.
It means being totally honest with yourself and saying;
I DESERVE…
“This is who I am, this is what I want and this is what I will do to achieve it.”
So how certain and committed are you to bringing a new level of confidence and joy into your life?
How motivated are you to increase your own self-worth?

Rate your commitment level on a 1-10 scale.
10 means you are determined to do whatever it takes to improve your inner and outer confidence. If you score yourself a 10 you are 100% committed, and will do whatever it takes.
A big fat zero obviously means you have NO interest at all.
On that scale of 1-10 give yourself a score now. Do it now.
If you gave yourself an 8 or more, GREAT, you’re ready to take the next steps towards a more confident and happy you. Ideally your score should be a 9 or 10. If your score is below an 8, maybe it’s just not that important to you? Perhaps you should stop reading now. Maybe you are already happy with who you are and where you are. If so brilliant. But if the answer is no, actually I’m not but I I’m just too lazy and can’t be arsed to make then Fair enough! If that’s the truth at least you are being honest with yourself! However, if you really do want your life to move forward, to feel more confident and have more fun, because surely, like the Loreal advert says, are you not worth it?
If you are not totally committed right now, how do you seriously expect to take any sort of continual action or steps to change things?
So what is confidence?

• Being able to speak up
• Finding your own voice
• Trusting yourself
• Feeling free to be yourself
• Accepting, loving and valuing yourself…warts and all!
• I am good enough
• Being kind to yourself
• Able to listen to your inner-voice
• Holding your head up high, and saying this is ME!
• Knowing that if you want to see the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. Dolly Parton
• Feeling comfortable in your own skin
• The ability to say NO, and mean it
What does confidence mean to you?
Everyone has their own views and opinions as to what confidence means. Complete the following statements on a separate piece of paper and you will then have more idea of the type of changes you will need to make in order to increase your level of confidence.
1. When I am feeling confident I am?
2. Self-doubt makes me
3. My self-worth is high when
4. I am at my best in relationships when
5. I know that I am right when
6. I lose confidence in myself when
7. When I am facing a big challenge I feel
8. If I make a mistake I feel
9. If someone criticises me I feel
10. Increasing my confidence would make it possible for
me to?
Taken from Lynda Field – Weekend Confidence Coach

When we talk of confidence, remember we are not talking about perfection. Some walking, talking self-assured wonder women who fears nothing, she doesn’t exist. I believe there is no such thing as a totally confident person. Let’s get this clear, we all have moments of doubts and self-consciousness. We are human. To be human means to have insecurities and fears. I do not believe that there is a human being alive who doesn’t have worries or doubts. Most people care what other people think of them. I know for years I have, and still do care. I wish I didn’t! I’m working on caring less, but I’ve got a long way to go before I can hand on heart say I don’t give a flying monkey! I think the key to self-confidence is about ACCEPTANCE. Accepting and appreciating who you are. Total confidence is not so much a state of being but a state of mind.

Try this exercise:

1. Sit quietly for a few moments and relax your body and your mind. Take some slow and deep breaths and feel yourself unwind. Now, go back to a time when you were feeling high in self-esteem and full of self-respect; it doesn’t matter how long ago this was. Close your eyes and see yourself in this confident, decisive and relaxed mode. Try to remember the details of this experience. Where were you? Who was with you? What did you feel like? Recapture those feeling right now: recreate that sense of feeling great and in the flow. Now, ask yourself:
What do I believe about myself?
2. Close your eyes again and imagine a situation where you were low in self-esteem; your confidence was at rock bottom. Now, feel the painful emotions as clearly as possible and ask yourself: what do I believe to be true about myself now?

3. Come back to the present moment and ask yourself; which set of beliefs is true?

If we can have opposing beliefs about ourselves at different times then obviously our beliefs must be changeable. This has important implications, which we will be looking at in the following steps.

Believe in Yourself
“If you believe you can, or believe you can’t, you are probably right.” Henry Ford
Wise words. I love this quote, I’m a real sucker for inspirational quotes.
What do you believe to be true about yourself? Do you believe you are creative, intelligent and adventurous? Or instead do you focus more on the negatives? Perhaps thinking more about the fact that perhaps you’ve never thought you were very clever, or that you think you have no staying power or motivation?
For instance, in the past I used to believe I was rubbish at maths, and that I was not business-minded. We all have a mixed bag of beliefs and opinions about ourselves that we carry around. Some days, when we are feeling positive we can believe the best about ourselves, but then something might happen. Bang! It doesn’t have to be anything really big or life changing. Maybe just a throw away comment from someone but suddenly our thoughts can spiral into a deep well negativity.
I am useless. I can’t dance, sing, write, I’m not creative. I am not good enough.
The good news is our beliefs are not set in stone and do change, depending on how we are feeling. They can also change depending on what is happening in our lives. Our beliefs can change when we experience successes, however small. Success begets success. For years I thought I was useless at maths. I really had a mental block when it came to the subject, in fact I could go into serious melt down. After having spent a couple of years travelling, I decided that on my return that I was going to go into teaching. This meant I had to face my maths demon, I needed to get my GCSE maths, oh dear. I really thought that this perhaps wasn’t even possible. How wrong was I! With a bit of support from a kind and nurturing teacher I soon realised that I had as much potential and ability as the next person. Okay, I wasn’t going to be the next Carol Vorderman, but I re-sat the exam and got a C grade, enough to get me a place on a teaching course.

Think back, have there been times in your life when you have actually proved yourself, and others wrong? Maybe for years you thought you weren’t good at something but then actually found that this was a load of old tosh and nonsense?
What old beliefs are you still carrying around with you, about yourself that are actually totally unreal, have no basis in reality and are basically bull****?

Write down as many beliefs about yourself as you can. Here is an example of mine from a few years ago;
Old Negative Beliefs
• Not good at maths
• Not business-minded
• Never be rich (I used to think that having money equaled being greed. Now I see financial freedom as Time and more choices)
• No IT aptitude (Well I’ve managed to create this blog so that can’t be true!)
You get the picture…
Get a pen and paper and write as many beliefs that you can think of about yourself. Write down good beliefs as well as bad. How true are these beliefs? What evidence do you have? Is this really a fact. I can now say that all the beliefs that I mentioned above were just that, a belief, NOTHING ELSE. They were just outdated ideas about myself, that I had created over time. They may have had some basis in truth way back when, but they certainly do not serve me now. I can see them for what they were. They only existed in my mind.

Now, remember a time when everything was going was going really well, did it affect your confidence? What about those other days when you are not feeling at your best? What is your self-image like when the going is not so good?
The fact is your beliefs about yourself are not necessarily true; they are not facts, they are only what you are choosing to believe.
This is good news. It means that the negative beliefs that you carry around about yourself at the moment can be changed and you can start believing the best about yourself.
Check your self-image
Stage1:
What are you really like? Look at the following words. Read through this list, putting the word I am before each word and score as follows:
0 almost never
1 Sometimes
2 often
3 almost always

tolerant adventurous bossy cynical
depressed intelligent irritable self-conscious
free stupid flexible creative
embarrassed articulate worthless kind
negative trustworthy supportive worthy
proud caring self-aware temperamental
boring reflective interesting lovable
shy lazy unemotional amusing
energetic critical predictable unmotivated
foolish fearful controlled guilty
sensitive indecisive happy protective
passive optimistic overbearing upbeat
demanding capable helpless spontaneous

Stage 2
Look at the characteristic which you scored a three. Make a list of them.
These qualities are part of your self-image. Now consider the ways in which these characteristics affect you levels of confidence.
Ask yourself, which of these characteristics increase my self-confidence and which ones do not?
Project a confident you
The next step in look at yourself, and I don’t just mean in the mirror! I mean deep within yourself, and actually like what you see. You are an amazing person. There is no one in the world quite like you. Let’s face it, we are meaner and far more horrible to ourselves than we are to other people. Can you imagine saying the things you sometimes say to yourself to your family and friends? I don’t think so. If I did I certainly would not have a friend in the world left, as in the past I have been my own worst enemy. Well maybe some of your family but stick about, as they tend to love us unconditionally, but friends, no chance!
“We often think that people perceive us in the way we perceive ourselves, with harsh critical judgement. This further undermines our self-esteem.” Lynda Field

Take a real good, long, hard look at yourself….but not through your own eyes. Think of a friend who you are especially close to, who knows you very well. Someone who cares about you, and you enjoys spending time with. Imagine you are looking at yourself through their eyes, the eyes of your friend. What do they see? What do they most love about you? What are all the good qualities that they see?
Take 5 minutes to write down all the god stuff that they see. Do not just skip over this activity. It will only take 5 minutes…DO IT!
Next
One way we can relate to ourselves with love and compassion is to imagine who we want to be, rather than who we think we are. Stop waiting for external validation which, after all, come rarely – and start loving yourself as you are NOW, while also imagining who you want to be in the future. Then you will begin to become that person.
Begin writing a journal
Explore your feeling, emotions and write as regular as possible.
Answer the following questions in your journal:
• Being a positive, confident person would mean my self-image would improve in these ways………make a list
• Being a positive, confident [person would change my life in these ways…..
Being a positive, confident person would mean I would perceive myself as….
• Being a positive, confident person would mean others would perceive me as….
“You always get more of what you focus on in life.”
So if you focus on worry and negativity that is what you will get more of!!!
In your journal make a list of all the things in your life that you are grateful for. For example, health, family, friends etc. Be as specific and detailed as you possibly can be.