If your husband cheated on you, I’m sorry. I know only too well how painful it can be to be cheated on. In an instant your whole life is turned inside out and you feel so disoriented. Nothing quite seems “real” anymore. But day by day, you keep having to deal with it and sooner or later you overcome the denial and the reality sets in.

How could he do something like this is? Is this the man that I married?

Well, if you’ve ever read any of the other articles I’ve written, you know that the main cause of infidelity in a marriage is a lack of one person’s needs being met, but what does that mean?

What is a need? Does it just mean that the two of you don’t get intimate enough? Sometimes, it might, but that’s not the limit of it.

There are really 2 kinds of needs: emotional and romantic.

Emotional Needs - These have to do with how supportive the two of you are with each other and how connected the two of you feel. Do you feel like your husband is there for you? Do you feel like he will stand up for you and help you through the tough times? Do you ever have one of those conversations together where the two of you get so enthralled with each other that everything else just melts away and it seems like both of you are in a separate bubble from the rest of the world?

If you answered no to any of these questions, you may not be completely meeting each other’s emotional needs.

Romantic Needs - Romance is more than just a dozen roses delivered on Valentines Day. Romance is something that needs constant effort, and more importantly, it needs to be something unique (not just the half-hearted box of chocolates or unoriginal bouquet of roses).

I know that your emotions are a bit raw right now just following the affair, but honestly try to answer these questions. Do you or your husband ever make romantic passes at one another? Do you flirt? Do you ever plan surprises for each other?

If not, then the romantic needs in your marriage are probably also lacking as well.

One good thing to do is to sit down with your husband and have an honest discussion about needs. Most couples don’t do this, but it is extremely important in the longevity of any relationship. Tell him what your needs are or where you think they might be lacking in your marriage. Also encourage him to tell you what his needs are. This will give you a better understanding of what really led up to the affair.

Now, I want you to understand that unmet needs are still no excuse for your husband having an affair. They explain why it happened, but they don’t let him off the hook. He still made the conscious decision to cheat at some point. Don’t feel bad because you may have been unknowingly been leaving some of your husband’s needs unmet. It not your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Simply learn from the past and make different choices in the future.

Author's Bio: 

If you're struggling with your husband's affair and you want to know more about how to survive an affair, be sure to check out my Marriage Sherpa review.

Alex Haight is a relationship writer helping women with relationship problems and specializing in affairs and infidelity.