How Do I Tell My Spouse That I Think He's Self-Centered And Uncaring? My Husband / Wife Is Inconsiderate and Selfish

How Do I Tell My Spouse That I Think He's Self-Centered And Uncaring? My Husband / Wife Is Inconsiderate and Selfish

I sometimes hear from folks who are so angry at their spouse at this particular point in time that they are not even sure that they can address the problem face to face. Many are looking for pointers as to how to write a letter to get their point across because they do not trust themselves to state this verbally. They worry that if they try to tell their spouse that he is acting as insensitive as he is, a fight will ensue and things will only get worse. So a letter can seem very attractive when you are this angry.

A spouse might say: "lately, I have noticed that most every decision that my husband makes is selfish and based only on what he wants. We have been saving for a down payment on a house. My husband's friend recently had a financial crisis and he needed to sell his car. He offered my husband a very good deal on the car. And my husband bought it. The thing is, he didn't need a car. And there went the money for our down payment. He said that the car was too good a deal to pass up and that it would last him a long time so that he won't need another car. He said in the long term it will save us money. I do not buy this. He just wanted a nicer car. And now his selfishness will cost us time living in an apartment instead of a house. A couple of weeks ago, my husband got a bad cold. I took the day off of work to take care of him. He had promised to take care of his brother's dogs and I took care of them for him. But when I caught his cold and I was just as sick, do you think he tended to me? Of course not. There was no meal for me. There was no time off. He didn't seem to worry about what I needed. His worries are always for himself. I could come up with example after example of this type of behavior. Occasionally, he will surprise me and do something sweet or selfless, but this is very rare. Mostly he acts like a self centered jerk a lot lately. However, I hesitate to come right out and call him selfish. He won't take kindly to that. So I want to write him a letter. But what should the letter say?"

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You're right to want to tread lightly here. Even though you may attempt to say this in as diplomatic a tone as possible, he can still read between the lines and see that you are calling him selfish and / or self centered. And although you may feel very justified in this and you want him to know exactly how you feel, you have to ask yourself what you really want and what you are really trying to accomplish.

Acting Only After You Consider Your End Goal: Ultimately, you likely want him to act in a certain way. You want him to act in a way that contributes to your meeting your long term goals - like buying your home. And you want him to act in a way that makes you feel valued, cared for, and loved. You have to remember this because if your strategy involves calling him out or making him feel selfish, then you are not going to be as likely to get what you want. Because he may feel defensive.

Even if you are successful in making him feel guilty, it helps to understand and remember that people tend to avoid and move away from things that make them feel negative emotions. Even if neither of you realize it, he may well tune you out the second you start alluding to his selfishness - even in a letter. As soon as you start using language where he can see where you're going, he's going to start skimming the letter so that he doesn't even fully appreciate what you are saying - much less take some action.

Catching Flies With Honey Instead Of Vinegar: I have found (and many wives agree) that the best way to get your husband to do something that isn't in his nature is to lure him into doing what you want and then praising him when he does it. You can do this in person or through a letter. But using positive feedback is so important. Why? Because in the same way that people shy away from negative emotions, they move closer to positive ones. You will be moving with the tide instead of against it so to speak and getting what you want will not only be easier, but he will be not be defensive or resisting you.

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Look for an opportunity to ask him for unselfish behavior. Perhaps the next time you are sick, ask him to make you dinner. Or the next time one of you run into unexpected money, ask him to set aside a separate bank account for your house. When he does those things or even takes baby steps, praise him. Tell him how cared for and safe it makes you feel when he makes these efforts.

Understand That Men Have Different Tendencies Than Women: I know that sometimes this seems unfair - as though you have to lure him to do something that is just basic. But being a caregiver isn't intuitive for many men. They grew up with mothers who took care of them and did the things that we are now expecting them to do. It doesn't always come naturally to them. But if you criticize, not only do they see you as the bad guy, they will often want to do the task even less than before.

But if you can make them feel like they are your ally and that you appreciate them, they will so often rise to the occasion in a way that makes every one happy. You've said that your husband does exhibit unselfish behavior occasionally. This is important because it shows that this is in his character. He just needs to know that you'd like to see more of this and that there is positive reinforcement when he does.

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Are you pleasing your spouse to keep your marriage together? Have you been worn out by trying to change your spouse so instead have resorted to changing yourself for the sake of your marriage and family? Well, if you have I commend you for making the choice to keep your marriage together but I wonder if it was the right thing for you to do.

You see, a marriage is at its best when pleasing your spouse is something that both spouses believe in. Unfortunately not all spouses understand that it shouldn't be a goal to have it their way all the time. In fact, they have a distorted view of marriage and relationships and find happiness in taking and giving back as little as possible.

So is there anything wrong with pleasing your spouse? Absolutely not! However, I would ask that you do a little soul-searching and figure out if you happy pleasing him or her? If you have no resentment or ill feelings towards your spouse because of the imbalance in your relationship then more power to you.

However, if pleasing your spouse leaves you feeling unfulfilled in your marriage then doing so may not be the best thing for you to do. You see, at some point you might have so much built up anger and resentment that when it's all unleashed your marriage could be in serious trouble.

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If your spouse is not pleasing you I would ask you the following. Does your spouse know what you need or want? Is your spouse taking advantage of your kindness or is he or she just ignorant about knowing how to meet your needs?

If you can narrow down why your spouse is so willing to let you to pour out everything you have to make the marriage work, but yet seems to have little to give back, it will help you turn things around.

What to do next?

• Make subtle changes in how you go about pleasing your spouse and begin to let him or her appreciate all the things you do.

• Begin to communicate your needs and make sure your spouse is aware how important a role him or her meeting your needs plays in keeping your marriage happy and strong. Focus on needs and not wants early in the transformation process.

• Practice behaviors that will inspire your spouse to want to begin pleasing you more.

Again pleasing your spouse is a good thing and I'm not suggesting that you wake up tomorrow and stop doing the things you are doing. However, you deserve to be happy too so I hope you can start changing things so both of you are pleased.

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If you're looking for advice for marriage because your relationship is on it's last legs then you'll want to read every word of this article.

You see, I know that it's hard to get to a place of forgiveness, but it may be the last hope that your marriage has to be saved.

Why is that? Because forgiving is part of the healing process in a marriage that you have control over, and if you've read any of my many articles you know that this is what I always say...

You Can Only Save a Marriage By Doing Your Part...You Can't Change Your Spouse...

I know learning how to forgive is one of the most difficult things that a person can have to learn. It's so hard because in our brains we're constantly rerunning the thing or things that a person did to wrong us, and so letting go is just that much harder. But the best advice for marriage is to let that go if you ever want not just hope for your marriage, but hope for yourself.

You see not forgiving builds a sort of stress in our mind that is very taxing on us. It cuts so deep because usually the things that we need to forgive about are personal wounds to our ego. And our ego is tough to overcome, even if it's in the most innocent way.

How Do I Forgive My Spouse to Save My Marriage...

It's very hard to forgive a spouse because when your spouse hurts you it seems to cut even deeper than anyone else hurting, because this is the person that you're supposed to be able to trust no matter what. This was the person that vowed to love you no matter what, and with that vow they're not supposed to betray you.

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But we know that in life, things happen. In life and relationships people do things to tick you off, and to hurt you. Most often it's not done on purpose or maliciously.

People often hurt other people simply by neglecting to empathize with the person they're hurting. In other words, when someone is in the moment they may not take the time to think about how this is going to affect the person they're hurting.

Other times they do realize this, but aren't mature or will not take the responsibility to control themselves and their actions. Great advice for a marriage is that you should always consider how what you're doing is going to affect your spouse.

The Easiest Way for Forgiving a Spouse...

When you MUST forgive to save a marriage and keep it alive, even if just for at least long enough to do some more work on it - the best way is to learn to empathize with your spouse.

You need to put yourself in their shoes for the time that they were in the moment and figure out the circumstances that caused them to do whatever it was that they did. It's very likely that you're not going to agree with what they did no matter, but simply getting to a place where you can see a reason that they may have done this can make all the difference in the world.

An Example of Forgiveness in My Own Marriage

I remember one time my wife came home from work and was driven home by a male co-worker - when she was usually driven by a female coworker. It was during the time that we were already having trouble so it wasn't good timing for our marriage at all.

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I was raging mad. I recall a huge argument, some throwing of stuff, and about 2 weeks of not speaking to each other.

During the time of not speaking she had written me a letter explaining the circumstances. The coworker she usually received a ride home from went home early that day. The office was closing and this guy was the only guy left and her only hope since she had tried to call me but I never got the call.

In my mind there was not good reason for it at all. Under no circumstance should she have gotten into a car with another guy. But after thinking about it I realized that where she worked wasn't a nice neighborhood at all. If the office was closing it would have been dark, and she would have been alone.

All of these things plus others made me realize that she had done the right thing after all...

I Realized I Needed Advice for My Marriage Because of My Own Insecurities...

But it didn't stop there. I also realized that a huge part of my problem was my own insecurities and jealousy. I realized that this was the sort of thing that I needed to start working on with myself.

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When a marriage is failing, some people just take it, and decide to not learn anything on how to fix a marriage and prevent a divorce. They think, "Marriage is a mutual thing, anyway. What value does it have, if I am the only side that is trying to save it from collapsing?". Let me assure you, they are wrong. It is in your hands to regain your spouse's affection and to fix your marriage; and make your spouse ashamed of themselves because they were thinking of a divorce.

Learning how to fix a marriage can be sometimes difficult, because the correct way to prevent a divorce is usually the opposite of our instincts about what should be done in order to save a marriage. For example, when my own marriage was collapsing, I could think of nothing else but "talking about it" with my husband. Which was fine, of course, since all marriages are built on communication. However, when you lack a clear plan, the conversation you have doesn't go beyond the usual "I promise I won't do it again, please forgive me!". And this is just begging and it will never fix a marriage. In fact, it makes everything worse, because no one wants a pitiful, begging spouse. Now you understand why I said saving a marriage required counter-intuitive action.

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To prevent a divorce, you should have a better understanding of human psychology. Personally, I had no idea about such rules of psychology - I was taught them by a lady, and only after that did I start to make improvements and learn how to fix a marriage. I am going to tell you one of the psychological traits that govern human relationships, but since I can't list everything you need to learn in one article, it's more important at the moment that you understand you shouldn't go with your instincts if you want to save your marriage.

If you want to learn how to fix a marriage and regain your spouse's love, you should understand that to make your spouse fall in love with you again, you need to be more inaccessible to them. People are programmed so that they want things that they can't easily have. So, that is another reason why you have to stop the "begging" and "pleading", because it is very damaging to your image on your spouse's mind. It makes you less desirable.

Even if both spouses love each other sincerely, at times they might find themselves getting more and more distant from each other and getting close to a divorce. But like me, you too can take some steps into saving your marriage and turning it into a satisfying relationship.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.