How To Calm An Angry Husband: Why Is My Husband So Angry At Me All The Time

Passive aggressive behavior does not happen in a vacuum; it requires an adequate partner to play the game with. This interaction is created between two people-one person who resists proximity and responsibility and the other one who accepts too much frustration to feel a minimum of "love," "acceptance," or "company."

How this dynamics does get engraved in the little girl's mind? She learns this pattern in her childhood observing her parents, of course!

The need for a woman to choose and stay with a passive aggressive partner is a dynamic that is set up in her childhood. One parent withdraws and frustrates the other spouse who in turn becomes progressively more and more angry and resentful. When she grows up, the woman unconsciously chooses men who will play out the familiar patterns of withdrawal and attack of her childhood.

She falls for the man's charm, his sweet neediness and fast search for togetherness (he is talking about marriage in the first month of courtship) and ignores his real lack of connection with others. It would be easy to ask: "why he is not having any friends around him"? But it is too painful to reach a conclusion: that she is conditioned to search for people more damaged than she is, so she can "help them."

If the man's hostility and withdrawal behavioral cycle is left unchallenged, the woman begins to doubt herself. His failures become her failures, and she feels that she is not doing enough to make him happy. The harder she works on the relationship, the deeper is his need to escape and elude her.

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Her life is in continual unbalance as she navigates the inconsistencies in daily connection events. As much as he feels threatened and insecure, he withdraws; this leaves her lonely so she gets angry.

The more she gets angry at him, he has to withdraw in his cave and the unresolved conflict boomerangs between then. They get locked into their own needs, not expressed enough, but acted upon. He will not show his anger at her persecution, but will do a lot of little vengeance acts which will drive her more crazy.

Living with the passive aggressive man pushes the woman into frustration and anger as the major dynamic in daily conflict. When she cannot get her needs met, she becomes the person who can blame him with intensity or have an anger attack, which then makes the man confirm his worst fears and feel very insecure in the relationship.

She rides an emotional roller coaster as she is always stuck hoping for more from her man--more commitment, more cooperation, more attention and love, and more doing what he says he will do -- as a signal that he really loves her.

With continuous cycles of this dynamics, her self-esteem erodes more and more as her frustration and anger turn to rage; getting to feel lonelier and more abandoned than when she was a single person.

To avoid repeating the choosing of passive aggressive men in several successive relationships in her future, she needs to learn a better way of reacting to his passive aggression in a way that teaches him what does she need, and what the limits for his procrastination and sabotaging are.

In short, she needs to remember that she is now a grown up person and can limit the damage other people can do to her in several active ways, from saying STOP!, to setting her own limits and or walking out.

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The wedding was awesome. All the love and heavenly feelings made it all seem so surreal. It was well planned and the few parts that didn't quite come together as planned went unnoticed. Everyone had a ball and just about everyone said it was the best wedding they ever attended. It was a great start to what was supposed to be the greatest marriage that ever happened. Our new family was supposed to feel love and protection and every day was going to be better than the next. Our kids were going to be perfect (not like everyone else's) and were going to be raised in the perfect environment of love and support. Nothing was supposed to go wrong. What happened?

Don't confuse reality with plain old ignorance

If you have spoken to anyone about the let down some couples experience after the first few years of marriage, they probably said something like, "oh, that's just what happens, welcome to reality." But marriage isn't supposed to transition down. In fact, a healthy marriage is supposed to transition into something much better than the first phase. You, like 99% of us, just never learned the basic skills or knowledge required to be married. You wouldn't be asked to fly a jet liner without training, but since our society doesn't address marriage scientifically, you just don't know what to do. It isn't too late!

The three loves: Eros, Familial and Agape

There are three loves you experience as your marriage progresses. The first, eros, can be simply described as selfish love. It's the love tied to the physical and is all about you. It is where you feel enamored and even dependent on your partner. It is all about sensuality, sexuality and tit for tat love. Although the sensual aspects of eros can last, the selfishness starts to fall away as you get used to each other and realize all the time in the rack can be very draining and unfulfilling. You begin to get into each other as people and appreciate each others company more; the normal relationship evolves into familial love.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

Obviously there are grey areas and transitions in marriages. The main point is, in familial love you do not depend on each other for constant reinforcement. Some couples never get past the eros stage and become emotional wrecks because they feel unfulfilled. Their selfishness limits the relationship. Nobody ever told them that relationships mature in a certain manner so they get scared. But familial love is less expecting. It's the kind of love you feel because it is safe. It is the same kind of love you have for any blood relative. It is a love of acceptance. It is the first step towards the love that we all seek, agape.

Agape is the love that we all want, but hardly anyone realizes it is meant for us to give agape love and not expect it in return. Agape is unconditional love. It is the magic everyone seeks and why marriage is so promising. Agape is the unspoken of desire. Those who learn to give love unconditionally are forever in a state of joy since they also receive the agape love in return.

You can have the marriage you dreamed of

Marriage needs to be understood and developed scientifically in order to have true success. We live in a cause/effect and free will world. If you understand the effects of certain behaviors you can use your free will to make your marriage better and better every day. Don't give up. You can have the marriage you want.

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"Why would a person act like an 'angel' in public and a 'devil' in the privacy of his home?"
~ Hugh R. Leavell

Some lead a double life,
And that's how it can be,
Only those in the home,
Are able to fully see!

THERE was a time in my life when I led a double life. I drank on weekends to relieve the stresses of the working and family life, all-the-while presenting as a clean-and-crisp occupational safety and health manager who breathalysed fuel truck-tanker drivers on Monday mornings. I felt like a hypocrite and it was soul-destroying. It ate me up fast - but that life was ten years in the making. (My most recent ten years have been entirely different.)

Something disastrous happened, those ten years ago, that pulled me up in my tracks. Suddenly I was revealed for who I actually was; not the ultraclean citizen, but a broken man with a mask on. I never hit my wife or was abusive, but there was a public life and a private life - and never the twain did meet... until that day when one life ended and a new life started.

My then wife found love (or should I say, attention that I was not giving her) in the arms of another man, and in fighting for her I found myself stripped bare and owning all my sin. It was a humbling if not humiliating reality. But the bigger reality was serene. Throwing the door open and allowing the world in was the experience of the Presence of God I needed, notwithstanding the reputational consequences.

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In being stripped bare - and routinely, day after day, for months - I got used to living an authentic life where there was no tolerance for masks, where integrity was becoming my actual byword.

So I can speak on the subject with some credibility. I have lived both lives: the double life and the integral life. There is no comparison regarding hellishness and joy. The double life seems like an absolute party, but where there is a conscience the soul is eroded day by day, not to mention those who love you and their souls. But the integral life - one lived in the home as on the streets - is tranquillity of soul. What a blessing it is to be able to look ourselves in the eye before a mirror.

OTHERS AND THEIR SITUATIONS

You may have dealt with abuse or neglect in the home by a 'model husband' so far as his street reputation was concerned. You may be that husband - and you may be trying so hard to get your life together. (I knew I was.) You might be aware of someone's situation that is secret in the dark and pretty in the light.

The only hope for such situations is for them to be revealed in all truth.

This is not only about justice for the abused and/or neglected; it's also about fresh hope and the smashing of fear structures (for all concerned).

Have a hope that with integrity comes freedom, no matter how difficult that journey is to retrieve such integrity.

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As married couple, there are some things that must be in your marriage for your marriage to be on the positive side of matrimony. This is what I call kiss principle of marriage.

'K' - Kindness: You must learn to be kind to each other, do anything to show kindness and love. Speak kind words to your mate, relate kindly, act kindly and operate kindly. Be generally kind to your spouse, do not allow anger to degenerate in to bitterness, deal with anger, forgive your spouse and reconcile.

'I' - Intimacy: Do everything to draw closer to your mate, create bonding and togetherness. Don't just join your hands together, join your mind. Don't just join your body, join your soul. Don't just be alike, be the same. Be intimate, be friendly, be interwoven, be available to each other, and let the Lord take the glory.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

'S' - Support: Give adequate support to each other. Be a pillar, refuge and shield to your spouse. Give moral, physical, financial, spiritual and mental support to your mate. Never leave your spouse desolate nor defenseless, you are the only one he or she has. Please do not disappoint but give support. Be there for the one you married. Marriage is not just about sex and romance, it is about all round support and supply of energy to you mate.

'S' - Surprise: Give your marriage a new meaning by learning how to always surprise your mate with a good deed. Cultivate the habit of giving surprise gifts, birthday bash, surprise date, surprise visit in the office. Give room for surprise elements in your marriage and try to impress each other with positive surprises. Do something that will make your spouse cry for joy, do this without telling him or her ahead of time.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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