How To Fight For My Marriage: How To Fight For Your Marriage And Win

No marriage worth its name is without the usual turbulence. Couples, who boast that their marriage has been one continuous honeymoon, are either lying or are not sensitive enough to even realize the simmering undercurrents that are as inevitable as tomorrow. Come to think of it, a marriage can not be termed 'happy' unless there is a tiff now and then, a little misunderstanding over small issues, etc. But if there are more tiffs than happy times, then it is time to build that bridge over troubled waters to save your marriage. Remember a marriage neglected, is a marriage ruined.

However, you cannot do anything to save your marriage, unless you know the areas that are causing tension between the two of you. It could be something that is 'silly and insignificant' but that is only your version. Your spouse could be thinking otherwise. To avoid having parallel views, it is better to critically analyze your own situation and look for some tell-tale signs of a neglected marriage, in order to save your marriage and build a stronger bridge to strengthen the relationship:

• Are your priorities same? Is your spouse spending more time at the golf course or at the shopping mall? When two people in a marriage have separate and engulfing priorities, it shows. Sporadic communication, children ignored, separate friends' circle, different agenda, lack of time for each other, are some the after-effects of different priorities. It has a high-speed snow-balling effect, which can ruin an otherwise perfect marriage. A glowing example is when one or both partners are workaholics. Therefore, to save your marriage, before it gets out of hand, discuss the matter frankly with your spouse and come to a mutually acceptable solution.

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• Limit your distractions. It is always possible to have your attention divided amongst several things that you are committed to do. But trouble starts when the distractions are too many and happen too often. Apart from being stressful, the togetherness goes for a six and the marriage seems to be another marriage of convenience more than anything else. Ignored, this too can further the distance between the two of you. Take your spouse into confidence, and talk matters out. To save your marriage, you might have to take the initiative to schedule some exclusive time which both of you should spend together without any interruption from any other source.

• When did you last spend some quality time together? This requires some deep introspection as this could hold the key to your troubled marriage. Remember though, that many people are insensitive to this intrinsic necessity. Therefore to save your marriage, and in your own interest, you could devise some ways by which you force your spouse to go for a vacation, go for a cozy dinner or simply go for a romantic walk in the woods. You would be surprised, what this little togetherness can do to help you build that bridge over troubled waters.

• A bit of pretense helps to save your marriage. Though it may seem to be a Herculean task to take a renewed interest in what your spouse does or what makes him or her tick - but a wee bit of effort can rekindle that lost spirit of love between the two of you. Small gestures of encouragement or gratitude can go a long way in clearing misunderstandings and many misgivings which widen the gap in a relationship. However, this is not a one-time activity. If you sincerely want to save your marriage, you have to be consistent in your efforts so that your sincerity shows. After all, love is a good cause to walk that extra mile.

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Fixing a broken marriage is hard, but it can be done. The biggest thing is both couples need to be committed to fixing the marriage. Both people must be willing to do whatever it takes to stay together. By having this mentality, the couple is ready to go on and start fixing their marriage.

Find out what the root problem is. Was someone unfaithful? Is there a communication problem? Are you the problem? To find the root problem, each person has to be completely honest with each other and themselves. Once the problem is identified, the couple needs to work together to fix it. Most of the time, it is best to seek a counselor who can help mediate the conversations. A counselor can also present a unique perspective on the problem that the couple might not be aware of.

Fixing a marriage has to be worked on every single day. Each person in the relationship needs to commit to do at least one thing for the marriage every day. Whether it is planning a surprise for the other, saying nice things, or showing appreciation some other way, try to do something.

Listen a little more and pay attention. The person may not say exactly what they mean because they don't know how to voice it. By paying attention to moods and behavior, a lot can be learned from the partner. Then, ask the person about it. Maybe they didn't realize what they were doing or how it was affecting the people around them. By bringing this to their attention, it can be openly talked about and hopefully put anything that is bothering them to rest.

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Remember why you got married. By revisiting the early years, before marriage, the couple can hopefully reconnect. Another way to do this is make a list of everything the couple loves about each other. Read it to the other person. By doing this, each person will feel more appreciated and maybe rekindle those feelings that once made them fall in love.

Turn off the electronics. Take time to spend with each other, and only each other. Maybe go on a spontaneous vacation or just lay in bed together and talk. The important thing is giving all the attention to the other person at the moment. Show them they are special and worth precious time.

Be kind. This holds true for just about everything in the marriage. Whether it is chores, talking, or anything in between. Being kind will go a long way. Remember the golden rule, treat the other person as you would want to be treated. Do not be condescending or sarcastic, it will not go very far in a marriage. Instead, think about what you would want and try to give that to your partner. It will be much appreciated. Also, try to notice is your partner is doing this as well. Be thankful and acknowledge their kindness.

Fixing a broken marriage will take a lot of time and effort. Remember to find out what the root problem is, work at the marriage every single day, listen and pay attention, turn off electronics, and be kind to one another. Counseling can help make these even more helpful by giving great tips and techniques.

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During the 1980's, John Hughes directed movies like "Sixteen Candles", "The Breakfast Club", and "Farris Buehler's Day Off." His movies defined a generation and made us all believe that the geek really could get the popular girl, the nerds could become kings of the school, and the perpetual bad boy could reform because of the love of a girl. The hero would ride up on his white horse (or red convertible), usually when you had lost all hope he was coming, and rescue the damsel in distress and ride off into the sunset. Even though you knew the movies were hardly based on reality, you couldn't help but be inspired and hopeful that true love could really conquer all.

But, John Hughes is not directing my life; and, I'm pretty sure he is not directing yours either. Our lives hardly follow the pattern that made his movies classics. Like many of you, my marriage has seen more bad years than good, and we've had a hard road to travel. But that doesn't mean we have to give up hope! Do you remember what it felt like when you first fell in love? Once upon a time the only thing we cared about was spending more time with each other! We shared our dreams, our passions, and our secrets. Our primary concern was getting to know this new special person in our lives. We were eternally optimistic, unwavering in our devotion, and ready to conquer the world together.

But somewhere along the way we lost that feeling. The truth is, that most of us have forgotten what it felt like to fall in love. That overwhelming optimism and the euphoric feeling that all is finally right in the world is replaced with worry, doubt, and complacency. We have forgotten our first love. Now a days we struggle to survive. When we are surrounded by piles of laundry, raising children, having more conflicts than conversations, drowning in debt, dealing with crazy schedules and overwhelming demands, we fail to remember what we are fighting for. In all reality we don't care about riding off into the sunset with our prince charming-we just want to take a nap.

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Sometimes when life gets unbearable, and marriage seems to hard, the only thing we can do is hold on to the knowledge that once upon a time we loved each other and trust that God is working in our circumstances, regardless of the evidence. The Bible warns us about the danger of forgetting our first love. In the book of Revelation chapter two verses 1- 5, the apostle John offers us some advice on how we can restore that first love and put the passion back into our relationship. He tells us to:

• Remember what it felt like when we first fell in love. Take a trip down memory lane and reminisce about what life was like when you first fell in love. Remember those early days when everything was new and special. Look back to see where you have been, what you have overcome together, and celebrate how far you've come. You need to remember that first love! When life gets overwhelming, you need to hold on to that first love, trust that God is still in control, and you need to remember what you are fighting for!

• Admit you've lost that first love. We cannot find freedom and restoration if we cannot tell the truth. Admit to yourself, to your spouse, and to God how far you've fallen. Admit you cannot do it alone. Forgive each other and commit to the process of restoration.

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• Do the things you did when you were first together. Give your relationship a quality check. Are you spending enough quality time together? Ask yourself when was the last time you did something fun and spontaneous together? Do you look forward to spending time with your spouse like you did in the early days? Do your conversations revolve around children, work, and bills? Do you know each other's hopes and dreams? Do you feel connected to your spouse like you did in the early days of your relationship. Look for the things that you did in the early days and start adding them to your relationship again.

If you have forgotten your first love, make a point to spend some time with your spouse this week and remind yourselves of why you love each other, and start restoring your connection to each other. I'm not going to lie to you. It takes a lot of work to restore your relationship with your spouse-but it is worth it! When you get afraid and timid and ready to give up, remember what you are fighting for. When you realize that love is the nucleus of your relationship you are willing to stay in the game regardless of failures, set-backs, and missed opportunities. When you understand that love is the power behind your relationship, you are willing to fight for it, overcome every obstacle that comes your way, remain faithful, trust God is working in the hard times, and once in a while ride off into the sunset. Your relationship will never be the same again!

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How would you define compassion? It is basically treating others as you would like to be treated when grief comes your way. It can be about a tragedy or something small, but compassion is still called for. Think deeply about each question and see whether you are truly compassionate when someone needs you to care about what they are going through.

1) When someone is hurt whom you know or maybe an athlete on TV, how do you react? Some people laugh about it, while others jump into action and do what they can to alleviate the pain. Where in the spectrum are you? It tells a great deal about you as a person how you answer this question. In life, it will mean the difference between a good and lasting relationship or failure.

2) Outside the realm of compassion, what type of person are you? Abusive? Giving? Helpful? If you are giving and helpful in other areas of your life, and not compassionate, why is there a difference between the two?

3) Construct a way of collecting the opinions of those around you, without knowing which person said what. Put a note on the container asking them to rate your compassion level. Have them be unsigned. You may be surprised at the answers you get from this survey. Many times we cannot see the flaws in ourselves that people around us can see.

4) If the above survey came out negative about your level of compassion, how would you react, and what would you do to fix it, if anything? Would you be mad at the people who gave their honest opinions or use it as a growth tool to improve yourself?

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5) Do you resent constructive criticism from those around you, whether it is a boss or someone you care about deeply?

6) What kind of response do you expect from others when you are in need of help? How does this compare with what you give to others in their time of need?

7) Why do you think people act in a bizarre manner, like laughing, when someone is in a hurting situation? If you are one of these, what caused it to be in your personality?

8) Do you think all the news, video games, and other negative influences have desensitized our society to others' pain? How have you changed over the years due to the influences of seeing people die and go through tragedies?

9) When you see a need in your family or community, do you take action or figure someone else will do it?

No one else may ever know your answers to these questions, but you do. What are you going to do about the answers you gave? Were any of your answers convicting to the point of your doing something about the answers that didn't meet your expectations?

It is one thing to take a test such as this, but what really counts is what you do with the answers you receive. Without positive actions to back it up, taking a test is of no value. It is up to you alone to make it valuable and to grow personally from it.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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