How To Reconcile With Husband After Separation: My Husband Says He's Not Ready For A Reconciliation

If you are having a separation in marriage this is probably a very stressful time for you. Something you need to know is that it is possible to get back together and fix your marriage. The first thing you must do is get a hold of your emotions and take care of yourself.

It is understandable to feel panic with the loss of control you are experiencing. Before the breakup life may not have been ideal but you knew what to expect, now your world is full of unknowns. It makes sense that out of desperation you would do anything to bring back some sense of normalcy back to your life, but you have to resist.

If you contact your ex out of desperation you will drive them further away. You need to relax and take a break from the relationship. Don't contact your ex or try to see them. The separation is way too fresh-you might do or say the wrong things in this state.

Give yourself about a month to let things cool down. It might seem like an impossibly long time, but you need to give yourself time to think clearly about what has gone wrong in the marriage. After the time is up, you can start to have real communications with your spouse.

While this cooling off period will help you, it is also the first step in repairing your marriage. You need to give your spouse a chance to start to miss you, this period of time is when that can happen.

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After a break up or separation the thought that is most likely on your mind is how to get your husband back. It is possible for that to happen. There are steps you need to follow and the following are a good start.

You need to be patient, you can go back to him promising him that you'll change your ways or do anything he wants so you can get back together. You want to keep your contact with him to a minimum. A little hello or a friendly wave are fine. Just don't things that will drive him away from you. The key is to draw him back to you, get him attracted to you again.

It is very important right after a break up to not pester him. Don't call or text him a bunch. Let some time pass, you can even let him know that you are okay with the break up.

As time progresses you can start talking to him a little more, but keep it light and not too involved. Also it is fine for him to see that he is not the most important person in your life. If you're both at a party and you're talking and some of your friends show up, stop the conversation with him and go talk to your friends. Of course, be nice, but the message will be clear.

If he calls you, don't answer the phone and don't return the call for a few hours or the next day, telling him that you have been real busy. You want him to wonder what you have been doing, create a sense of mystery and jealousy.

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Do you have an emotionally distant husband? Does he often "check out" on you or refuse to talk to you? Or maybe he just doesn't know how to connect emotionally? This is a common problem that many women face in their marriages. It might seem as if your husband doesn't care about you or that he isn't interested in you. Sometimes, you may feel like your suffocating under the emotional neglect. Some women even go so far as to say it feels as if their husbands hate them because of this problem.

What can you do if you find yourself in this kind of situation? Is he really uninterested, or is it that he just doesn't know how to relate in an emotional way? If so, how can you help him to come out of his protective shell without pushing him away? If I may, I would like to offer a man's perspective on this important issue.

The Problem - Why Husbands Are Emotionally Distant

There are many reasons why husbands can be emotionally distant. We men often find it very difficult to open up emotionally to our wives. In most cases it has nothing to do with whether we are interested in our wives or not. In fact, we want nothing more than to be the best husbands we can be. And that's exactly where the problem lies. We're afraid to fail.

It is a scary thing for a man to expose himself emotionally. What if he looks foolish? What if he looks weak? What if he looks like he doesn't have it all together? What if his wife judges him, or worse, openly criticizes him?

This is scary stuff for a man. Seriously.

Not to mention that most of us just haven't had much practice in this area. Most men have very few close relationships with other people that we can share this type of stuff with. We internalize our thoughts and emotions and mostly try to find logical ways of dealing with things. Sharing our dreams, desires, fears and conflicts is unnecessary, maybe even counterproductive.

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To make the problem worse, men are wired differently than women are. You've probably heard that women are multitaskers and men aren't. Not only do men find it hard to do more than one or two things at a time, but we also find it difficult to hold onto more than a few thoughts in our heads.

If you're a woman, you probably have about 100 things going on in your head at one time. You're worried about your kids, you're thinking about your friend who is having relationship problems, you have a running to do list going, and you have several other hopes, dreams, fears, and concerns all bouncing around in there at the same time.

As a man, I'm usually only thinking about one thing at a time. Usually, if it's the task I'm currently engaged in. If I'm doing something that doesn't require much attention then I can think about something else at the same time too. This is why my wife can ask me what I'm thinking about and I can often say "nothing" with complete honesty.

There are plenty of other reasons why I might be emotionally distant from my wife as well. Maybe I'm tired and have had a long day. Maybe I'm irritated because she said something I didn't like, so I withdraw. Maybe I'm irritated with something that has nothing to do with her. Maybe I'm worried about work or bills or something else. None of these things mean I don't like my wife or am not interested in her.

The Solution - What To Do When Your Emotional Needs Aren't Being Met

So here you are left with this gaping need for love, affection, and intimacy on an emotional level. Your husband isn't meeting this need, either because he's ill-equipped or he's in a bad season in his life. How do you, as a women, get your emotional needs fulfilled?

The first thing you should do is stop looking to your husband to meet all of your needs. That isn't his job. That's not the purpose of marriage.

Only God can satisfy your deepest needs and desires. It is only when you look to God first that you can have your needs satisfied. Don't believe me? Look at scripture:

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."(Psalm 37:4 NIV)

When you look to Him first and foremost as the ultimate fulfiller of your desires you will be satisfied. If you try to get your emotional needs met by your husband, your kids, other relationships, or some romance novel you will find that it just doesn't work.

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That being said, having emotional distance between you and your husband is not part of God's design for marriage. So how do you help him open up his heart to you?

Have you ever tried to tell your husband how much you need him to open up to you? If so, this is the wrong move. You're actually pushing him further away by doing this. Why? Let me illustrate.

Your husband thrives on respect. It is the primary thing he needs from you. You need to feel loved, cherished, desired and attractive. Your husband, on the other hand, needs to feel important, accomplished, capable and needed.

If you tell him "I feel like you don't love me," you are communicating a need to him. He doesn't see it that way, though. He feels as if you are calling him a failure. He's not a good enough husband. And he withdraws even further into his protective shell. He shuts down and shuts up.

So what can you do to fix this situation? You need love. You thrive with it and you wilt without it. The solution?

Give him respect.

Do your best to make him feel like he is the best husband and father in the world without putting the pressure on him to perform. You will find that with some time, he will begin to open up more and more to you. He will start sharing on his own, without needing to be poked and prodded and, dare I say it, nagged.

"But it's not fair," you may be thinking, "why should I have to be the one to do all the work? Shouldn't he put in the effort to meet my needs?"

Yes, he should. In a perfect world, you wouldn't have to worry about it. He'd give you all of the love you need and you would give him all the respect he needs. But this isn't a perfect world. We live in a fallen world, and both you and your husband are fallen, fallible people.

If you want more love from your husband, give him respect. You can complain about it or you can do it with a cheerful heart and see the results for yourself.

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When it comes to understanding men and how we feel about touching, I couldn't give you a straight answer. Some guys like it, some guys don't. All I can tell you is that we like it more than it is made to seem. For some reason, the general consensus out there is that because women are more sensual, they are more tactile and touchy-feely. Us guys love a bit of touching now and then. It just depends on the time and place.

We like to be touched, that shouldn't be a secret to you. What really gets guys going though is the touching that happens in public, discreetly. I know that's what gets me going, anyway.

Just the other night, my wife and I were out at a casino, having dinner with our mates. Under the table, my girlfriend just did one thing: she put her hand on my leg. Nothing more, nothing less (I swear!). I couldn't help but feel a flush of warmth towards her.

Same casino, a year prior: we were still in the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship and instead of putting her hand on my leg, she hung her leg off mine instead, again underneath the table and again, while we were out with friends, eating.

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There was this one time we were out at a friend's engagement party. She led me out to the balcony where she saw someone she used to know from school. She was holding my one hand with both of hers and stood partially behind me. While she was talking to her friends, she rested her cheek against my shoulder.

I don't know, it's just little things like that that make me feel like she's the one, you know? Maybe it's just me, but it's not all about the sex. To me, that sort of casual touching shows affection.

Us guys really dig a girl who will make the first move, especially if they usually aren't the type to. There is nothing better than having the girl's hand slide neatly into yours when you're out in public. I know that seems rather simplistic, but that's the truth. We do tend to get desensitized to it over time, but for the guys who are really into touching, it will always give us a buzz.

Understanding men and why we like touching comes back down to a few simple ideas. We like it because it gets us closer to you. We use it to show affection. However, sometimes the woman might have to make the first move. If we do, it might not turn out the way that we want it to.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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