I Hit My Husband During An Argument: I Hit My Husband In Anger

My husband is a confrontational man who can be very provoking, while I am a woman who always defends her side when confronted. He is a man who loves correcting others while I am not easy to receive correction. What a perfect concoction for God's miraculous move. Indeed, this placed a great challenge in our marriage and definitely put us on high risk. I didn't realize this deadly combination of issues and personalities until I saw the worst in both of us during our arguments. During those fights, the very love I feel for my husband instantly turns into hatred just over some petty issue that blew out of proportion. It hurt my heart like crazy, took my peace away, stressed me out, and made me feel stupid later on. The worst part about it is I always feel separated and divided from him after an argument.

I know there are couples who don't get into heated arguments or big fights. I won't say this is better than getting into the kind of arguments that my husband and I used to go through. On the contrary, those who never argue may be burying issues so deep that they never get resolved. I know a man who drifted away from his wife just because they never talked about their problems in their marriage.

For me, "arguments in marriage" is an attempt by the husband, wife, or both, to communicate and express their opinions about certain things or situations. It is a form of communication that is more of a misunderstanding than getting the message across. Unless the person just loves to argue, most arguments stem from a wrong perception of what the other one is trying to say. In short, arguments happen because of misunderstanding. To manage an argument then is to start understanding where the other person is coming from. Of course this is easier said than done when you are already in the middle of an argument, which is why dealing with arguments start prior to the argument itself. How do you do that?

I had to go through a lot of heated arguments and painful results for me to learn what I am going to share with you now. So thank God for letting me go through what I've been through. It was meant to make it easier for you to deal with and manage your arguments better.

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The first step is for you to look back to the arguments you've had with your spouse. What caused it? What was your role in it? If you were the one who provoked him, examine yourself. If he was the one who provoked you, examine yourself still. Beneath your arguments are issues that God is exposing because He wants to heal them. Stop looking at your husband's fault for a moment and just focus on yours. Keep analyzing and examining yourself and ask God to reveal yourself to you. What triggers you to argue with your husband? Why?

In my case my biggest issue was fear of rejection. I didn't know this until God started revealing it to me. My being defensive when my husband corrected me was my way of defending myself from being attacked. I looked at my husband's correction as rejection. I felt he was not appreciating the good things but always looking at the negative things. I felt I was not pleasing him enough and that he doesn't love me. What a lie! Yet that was exactly how I felt each time he corrected me, which surely led to a heated argument.

I am not saying that all our arguments were my fault. Yet, my reaction towards it was a reflection of issues I had within me, issues that God was exposing so He can heal me thoroughly.

As I've said earlier, I've always felt separated from my husband after an argument. It was the after effect that was more painful than the actual argument itself. It was that aftermath when the enemy kept replaying in my mind every hurtful word my husband said, like a tape recorder playing over and over and over again. This was the part that tortured me and which made me cry out to God seriously for help. It was then that God opened my eyes to what my husband feels during our arguments... why he acted why he acted and why he said what he said. In short, God put me in my husband's shoes for me to see where he was coming from. I started understanding him and his issues more than ever and I started praying for him.

After examining yourself and after asking God to put you in your husband's shoes, I want you to meditate on 1 Peter 3:1-4

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

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Pay attention to the phrase QUIET SPIRIT and what it does to your husband. If this is very difficult for you, ask God to see you through.

This Scripture was given to me by God when I was praying to Him one time and complaining about my husband. When I saw the words, QUIET SPIRIT, I cried. I knew then what God was telling me to do and it convicted me but almost discouraged me at the same time. It was just so difficult to have a quiet spirit when you have a husband who is very provoking during an argument.

What I've learned from this is that I can't have a quiet spirit during an argument if I don't have that quiet spirit in me as part of my character. God had to make it clear to me that having a quiet spirit does not mean not talking or being passive but having that inner strength that will silence anyone who plans to attack me. It was the same quiet spirit that Jesus had on Him when He was being provoked by His accusers and He remained silent. When I finally understood this, it became easier for me to have that quiet spirit.

Another thing I've learned is to detect the argument when it is starting. This is when I start praying in my mind for God's grace and strength. This is when I bridle my tongue and control my flesh who wants to defend herself or to answer back.

Honestly, it's pointless defending yourself or explaining your side in the midst of an argument. The best thing to do is let the argument subside and when things have settled down, then that's the time to talk.

Psalm 37:14 says: Seek, inquire for, and crave peace and pursue (go after) it!

Avoiding an argument from escalating is a way of putting this Scripture into action.

Recently, my husband was telling his Aunt how my having a quiet spirit has helped pacify his anger and has convicted him and made him feel stupid. That's when I really knew that God has done a great work in me and continues to do so.

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There is a useful term that one hears relative to investments but is rarely mentioned when discussing relationships. The term is "equity." We more often hear people discuss "equality" in relationships. Unfortunately, equality is not nearly as constructive a concept for guiding a couple to creative solutions. When people discuss equality in a relationship, they usually ignore a basic reality: people are not equal. They are not equal in that needs and desires usually differ. If a couple focuses too much on trying to make things equal, they will miss opportunities for trading off their differences for mutual gain. Instead of equal responsibilities and equal opportunities in a relationship, a couple is better off strategizing complementary trade-offs:

Jack Spratt could eat no fat.

His wife could eat no lean.

But in betwixt the two of them,

They licked the platter clean.

We all know that men are usually better at fixing tires and women are usually better at mending clothes. However, much more creativity and imagination are required to negotiate trade-offs such as different vacations or job relocations. The concept of equality has some connotations that do not encourage one to make strategic sacrifices. You make a strategic sacrifice when you willingly defer or give up a lesser interest of yours in order to enable your partner to pursue a major interest of his or hers. If you work it right, you can get your partner to make a similar sacrifice in the future that benefits one of your more important interests. In this way, both you and your partner come out ahead. Looking for constant equality in a relationship tends to limit one's focus to the immediate situation. It also tends to limit one to advocating for self-interest alone, as if the relationship is a zero-sum game. The most useful connotation of equity is one involving time. You sacrifice and invest in the present so that you can profit at a later time. The concept of equality has no such connotation.

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No doubt many readers of this article will abhor the notion of sacrifice after having felt victimized in past inequitable relationships. If you're one of those people, please consider that what probably went wrong had more to do with faulty implementation. I have found that most people are very poor at explicitly negotiating reciprocity and would rather assume it. Unfortunately, if you only assume that your partner will reciprocate without getting an explicit commitment to do so, you will set yourself up for disappointment and resentment. Many people often will a) not remember when a partner is sacrificing a self-interest for one of theirs and b) not remember when a partner made a sacrifice in the past to benefit them.

For these reasons, assuming your partner will notice and remember on his or her own is often naive. Establishing equity can require hard negotiating and bargaining. If you're willing to relocate with a partner for his career move, it would be wise to extract an agreement that the next move after X number of years will be yours. If it's not a reciprocal career move that you want, you can negotiate for something else. Maybe you want the next car. But get the agreement up front! If you don't, it may be assumed that you went along with his move because you didn't have much of a preference. In other words, your sacrifices (investments) will be minimized.

Of course, when we talk about sacrifice, we are talking about necessary sacrifice: the type that is required for either you or your partner to get something you want. For those of you who sacrifice yourselves with only magical notions that somehow it will benefit someone, there is a much more fundamental problem involved. If so, it would be handled best in a 12-step recovery group such as Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics.

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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Your marriage is meant to be great. It is meant to be something wonderful, something amazing. God's intent is that your marriage would be full of hope, passion, joy, and companionship. More than that, your marriage is meant to be a shining example of God's love for the whole world.

God's plans are for you to have a hope and a future, and that includes your marriage. God's plans are to use you and your marriage as a vessel to spread the message of His mercy and glory throughout the Earth.

Your marriage is meant to mean something. God's desire is that your marriage would stand for something great. To make an impact on this generation when the world is full of darkness and sin.

Somewhere, Things Went Wrong

If you're anything like most married Christians out there, your marriage doesn't look anything like that. The truth is, most of us live in apathy to the call of God on our lives. We go through our days worried about things that have no eternal significance.

More than that, most of our marriages are troubled by a number of problems brought on by selfishness, pride, anger, or passivity. In other words, sin.

Sometimes marriage can be downright hard. Other times we might feel that we are just living side by side, not really sharing our lives. And other times our marriages can seem great, all the while we just know that so much more is possible.

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This isn't always a bad thing.

God cares more about your holiness than your happiness.

If your marriage isn't all it should be, this may be an indicator that God is trying to get your attention. He has a way of using our spouse as a mirror to expose our own sin. It is only when we see our sin for what it truly is that we can repent, turn away from the sin, and turn to God's righteous power to cleanse us and set us on the path of holiness.

As long as we live in ignorance or denial of our sin there can be no change. One of God's purposes in marriage is to force us to see our sin and to give us a reason to want to change. Only then can His healing and restoring power begin to work in us.

What If It's Not Me?

Oftentimes marriages can be difficult even when you are doing everything you know how to follow God and submitted to His leadership. You are doing everything you can to be the best husband or wife you can be. Sometimes it may seem that you've tried everything in your power but your marriage is still on the rocks.

First, I would say that you will never be free of sin, nor will you ever be the perfect spouse. You will always be a work in progress and God will always be working to show you your sin so that you can repent. Difficulties that arise in marriage can be one of the ways God does this.

Wives, do you get angry at your husbands lack of initiative? God may be trying to reveal his sin of passivity, but He is probably also trying to reveal your anger at the same time.

Husbands, do you shut down when your wives try to take control? He's probably at work in your own life to reveal your passive-aggressive tendencies.

That being said, I'm not saying it's all your fault that your marriage is having problems. The truth is it may be your spouse that is causing the most problems. The only thing you can do is remain faithful to God and your spouse and to stay in prayer for your situation.

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You cannot control your spouse, nor are you responsible for their sin. You can only do your best and trust in God to deal with your spouse.

This doesn't mean you can't have an influence on your spouse. But by far the best way to do this is often to let go of the situation and hand it over to God.

What If It's Not Either Of Us

Even if both you and your spouse are following God and doing your best to be obedient to Him there can be problems in your marriage. This is because we live in a fallen world that has come under the influence of our Enemy. He will stop at nothing to keep us from impacting the world with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He is the de-facto ruler over this earth and is very interested in keeping you down.

It is his goal to keep us from realizing our full potential. If he can keep us in sin, he will. If he can keep us in apathy and passivity, he will. If he can keep us preoccupied with trivial matters, he will. If he can send difficulties our way to distract us from God's mission, he will.

Whatever he can do to stop our marriage from making a difference in this world, he will do it.

This is why it is important to continually submit ourselves to God and remain under His authority. Resist the devil and he will flee. The darkness has now authority over the light. Remain in God's truth and you will be protected from the full force of Satan's malice.

God's Purpose For Your Marriage

God's purpose for your marriage is the same as His mission for the Church. It is the same as His mission for each individual Christian. It is the same as the mission of Jesus Christ.

His vision for your marriage is to use it to redeem the lost and to transform lives with the power of Jesus Christ.

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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