How to Resolve your Relationship Conflicts through Communication

Relating with others is a delicate balancing act between having our own wants and needs fulfilled, and making sacrifices on behalf of the other person. In other words: relationships are about give and take. The line where things grow blurry is in the everyday exchanges we have with those we care about.

* When is it okay to say what we really feel – even if it’s ‘not 100% good news?’
* When is it better to “spare” the other person from our true thoughts and feelings, because exposing them might cause pain?
* Is it ever right to ask or expect someone to do things differently? Or is it true what some say — that people never really change?

It is in our most challenging relationship moments that we get to learn about love, acceptance and life. Keeping this in mind will help us survive those “frustrating moments” and overcome communication barriers that can cause problems between us and the important people in our lives.

I designed a communication style called Honor Talks™ — used to express your feelings, communicate boundaries and create closeness based upon understanding and acceptance.

Honor Talks™ can help to transform a complaint into the foundation to keep a relationship healthy. They can help us “clear the air” so that things don’t become bottled up and lead to resentment – which is the biggest relationship killer of all!

Honor Talks really aren’t about trying to change anyone. The majority of the time, we don’t actually need people to change who they are or what they do. What we truly want, deep down, is to be understood and feel a sense of belonging. Honor Talks™ help us to be seen and heard, and to establish understanding in the relationship.

Sometimes behaviors will change as a result of an honor talk, yet it’s important to not walk into the talk with this expectation.

Here is the Honor Talk™ format:

1. State your intention. Let the other person know WHY you feel the need to have this talk. Maybe it’s to clear up a misunderstanding, create intimacy, address feelings, or reach a compromise.
2. Express gratitude. Tell the other person all the things about them that you appreciate. This creates a sense of safety within the relationship, and will keep the other person from becoming defensive during your conversation.
3. Speak your truth. This has to do with sharing how YOU feel instead of telling your partner what THEY do or don’t do. For instance, you might want to say something like “You never listen!” but instead you could communicate that as “I don’t always feel heard.”
4. Listen and clarify. A huge part of Honor Talks is simply LISTENING – recognizing and acknowledging that the other person has their own perception of what’s happening between you. Repeat back to them what you believe they are saying. Have them do the same for you.
5. Use affirming body language. Use your body to create a sense of closeness and connection. Make eye contact. Sit with your body facing your partner. Reach out and touch them gently during your talk.
6. Speak compassionately. It can be very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of an Honor Talk. Use words that express understanding, caring and acceptance: “I know how you feel.” “I see where you’re coming from.” “I didn’t realize how much that might hurt your feelings.”
7. Be accountable. Recognize that relationships are a two-way street! You are as much responsible for what’s happening as the other person is. Own up.
8. Commit to resolution. This is about making agreements. Open your mind to ways that you can change and grow together, reach compromise, and improve your communication with each other.

This part is very important: Take some time to process your feelings around your irritation before having an Honor Talk with someone. It’s not recommended to have an Honor Talk when your feelings are at a heightened state.

So, are you willing to have an Honor Talk with someone you love? You can do this. Give it a try!

Here’s to healthy, strong and intimate relationships!