How To Solve Husband And Wife Problem: How To Solve Marriage Problems

How To Solve Husband And Wife Problem: How To Solve Marriage Problems

No marriage is perfect. Humans are not perfect. And the fact that imperfection exists makes arguments and conflicts a reality in marriage.

You may have heard and read so many tips on how to resolve conflicts in marriage. But what you should know is that there's no perfect formula applicable to all married couples. Each couple is unique just as each individual has his own unique personality.

No matter how much couples try to keep their marriage smooth sailing, conflicts can crop up along the way. However, this alone should not be cause for your love to fade. It's natural that misunderstandings and arguments can occur due to differences in opinions and beliefs. What matters most is how you two are able to handle the situation and find ways to resolve your issues.

The advice of some people to solve issues that may come up during the day before you call it a night may not actually be right. Do understand that emotions can be high after a conflict and for others, it can take more than a day before they can cool down and let the issue pass. The most important thing to do then is to give each other space to cool your heads off before making up. If your spouse is not speaking to you, let it be that way for a while.

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Wives tend to be more skillful when it comes to determining whether their husbands are ready to solve the problem. They can stretch their patience if necessary for the benefit of settling the issue and to regain the peace in their homes. But of course, there are also husbands who can be very understanding of their wives and their personalities.

If you love your spouse, there's no way that you should let conflicts affect your marital bond. Acceptance of each other's flaws and unique personality is vital. Being anxious is a natural emotion when in this situation but learn to get the courage to settle problems in a calm manner as much as possible.

No conflicts can be settled with each of you raising your voices. To effectively communicate your message, talk things out in a calm voice making sure that you give each other time to speak what's on your mind. Listening is crucial as well because this gives you the opportunity to hear out what your partner feels and wants to accomplish.

Conflicts in marriage can come from different aspects. It can be about money, your child or children, your home, in-laws, business or attitude. Most often, money is the root of all issues between married couples. This can really be devastating especially in situations when one spouse loses a job or suffers from disability that will prevent him or her from working.

Minor problems when not solved right away can also get bloated eventually leading to more serious conflicts. The right attitude is to never ignore them but instead try to find a way to correct them. Self-assessment can be very helpful as well.

Keep in mind that your love for your spouse should be a major reason to keep your marriage in good shape. No conflicts can break your tie if you love and trust each other.

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Are you feeling the effects of an unhealthy or failed marriage? Are you angry about how things have turned out? Are you feeling lonely or overwhelmed? Implement these 5 steps and heal your marriage.

Step 1: Take Time to Grieve

The struggles of your marriage are a sign of the end of a dream. Did you wish for certain things to happen and they didn't? Are things not going quite as you hoped?

It's OK to be sad, it's OK to be angry. It's part of the natural process to mourn what we no longer have or realize what we can't achieve.

Just what are the stages in the grieving process?

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Depression

6. Acceptance

Just because there's a list, it doesn't mean that these are the specific "steps" you have to follow.

There is no right way to grieve. You might go through the 5 stages in order, or you might feel like you are a ball in a pinball machine and you are bouncing from stage to stage and back again. Just knowing what stage you are in assists you in moving to the next place. This then assures you that this IS an end to your grief.

What can you do?

The process of grief is a difficult and confusing one. Feelings come and go so unexpectedly. Just when you think things are getting better, the feelings come back and are worse than ever before.

1. The most important thing to do is take care of yourself.

See Step 2 for more about this.

2. Access the support of friends and family.

Don't grieve alone! As humans, our first response is to want to hide and be alone. We don't want others to see that we've failed or are hurting. It's hard to go against this natural reaction.

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3. Find a support group.

This is a healthy, effective way to cope with grief. Be sure and look for a program where you can learn new ideas and ways of thinking, where you can then practice taking action in a safe and loving environment.

Step 2: Take Time for Self-Care

Flight attendants advise passengers in case of an emergency, place your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. Why? Because you'll pass out from lack of oxygen. And who can you help if you're unconscious?! So put on your oxygen mask! You can't help your marriage if you have nothing left to give.

What makes you smile? What gives you that extra boost of energy? What fuels you up from the inside? Below are some examples, just keep it simple. Make sure to always schedule at least 30 minutes of JUST YOU time weekly (better yet DAILY!)

1. Schedule in your day planner 30 minutes alone time -- just for you.

2. Take a bubble bath

3. Get a manicure and pedicure

4. Get a massage

5. Go to a movie with a friend

6. Take a walk

7. Go to a yoga class (or do yoga at home)

8. Read a book

9. Garden

10. Take your dog for a walk

11. Go to the beach

12. Take a short drive

13. Work on your favorite craft

14. Take pictures

15. Draw a picture (even if you can't draw!)

16. Write a short story or poem

17. Take a pottery class

18. Take an acting class

19. Go back to school and earn your degree

20. Sing (in the car, in the shower, on American Idol!)

Step 3: Know your "Love Style"

Gary Chapman talks about love languages in his book, "The Five Love Languages." These five languages are:

Words of Affirmation

These are expressed as verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouraging words, kind words (it has to do with the way you speak them, your tone of voice), or humble words (love makes requests not demands).

Quality Time

This way to give love is expressed by giving someone your undivided attention, togetherness with focused attention, quality conversation (dialogue where you are sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings in an uninterrupted period of time), and quality activities.

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Gifts

Gifts are visual symbols of love. They may be purchased, found or made. What's important to the receiver is that the gift represents how much the giver was thinking of them.

Acts of Service

This way to give love is expressed by doing things that you know the other person would like you to do. Washing dishes, cleaning the bathroom, washing clothes, cooking a hot meal and have it ready by 530pm sharp every week day, mowing the grass, changing the cat litter box. When they are done in a positive spirit, it's an act of love.

Physical Touch

Most people automatically think of sex as the primary way to give and receive physical touch.

But it's also important to hold hands, kiss, run your fingers through their hair, or give a back rub.

It's important to understand that we usually give love in ways that we like to receive love. If the person you are giving your love doesn't receive it in the same way that you do, their "love tank" runs on empty and never gets filled.

When I took the Love Language quiz in Gary Chapman's book, I found out that my primary way to receive love was through physical touch and receiving gifts was a close second. On the far end, I had ZERO points in the words of affirmation category, whereas my husband's way to receive love was through words of affirmation and on his far end were quality time and physical touch.

Before reading this book and taking the quiz, my husband didn't understand why I was completely devastated when one year he tried shopping for Christmas presents on Christmas Eve at 10pm and was completely amazed that WalMart wasn't open. He then proceeded to give me an IOU as my Christmas present. (Then never got me anything at all that year!)

And on the flip side, I never understood why my husband was always complimenting me, telling me how wonderful I was, and always asking me if I loved him, if I was attracted to him, if I would stay with him forever. Words of affirmation meant the world to him, and I could care less if I received them or not. But I was always giving him gifts and trying to make his birthday special. He could care less. His birthday was just another day of the year!

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Both my husband and I were starving for love and not getting what we wanted. We were giving to the other what WE wanted most, but the other didn't receive love that way. Neither of us understood, were frustrated, and our "love tanks" were running on empty. When your tank is empty, you're angry, hurt, negative, and rarely want to do something for someone else. But when your "love tank" is full, you're happier, life feels good, and you gladly do things for others "just because."

Understanding how to speak my husband's language of love made a significant difference in our marriage in a very short period of time. I highly recommend getting the book.

Step 4: Communicate

I know you've heard it before, but communication is vital. For years there were things I didn't talk to my husband about because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. My husband didn't want to "put his foot down" about my spending habits because he thought I'd leave him. We enabled each other and hurt our marriage more in the long run.

The key to communication is to have conversations regularly, when you're not angry, and from your point of view.

Rules to follow when communicating

1. Regularity

Schedule a specific time each day or week to really talk. What are your dreams and fears? What do you want to be doing in 5 years? What do you want to do when you retire? How do you want to raise your children? What are your priorities in life? What's important to you? What are your money habits? Leave NOTHING to chance.

2. Not when you're angry

Don't confront your partner when you're angry. It's OK to be angry, and let them know, but we all say things in the heat of anger we'll regret later. So when you get angry, take a few minutes to get it out and then come back to the conversation.

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3. "I" statements

Did you have an older brother or sister or maybe a friend who always told you what to do or how you felt? And was your response, "You're not the boss of me?" The only person you can ever really know and understand is yourself. When communicating with your partner try to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. When you use "you" statements, you are attacking, blaming, bossing and sometimes belittling your partner. For example:

"You make me angry when you come home late and don't call. I had dinner ready at 5:30 and it sat there for 2 hours and now it's ruined because of you."

This was most likely said in the heat of the moment when the person came home.

Instead, when the late person comes home try this:

"I'm very angry that you're late. I need to take 10 minutes by myself, can we talk about it then?"

Then go scream, beat a pillow with your fists, stomp your feet, get the anger out. Then approach your partner from your point of view:

I feel angry when:

It hurts me when:

Can I make a request? I'd appreciate it if:

Step 5: Commitment

Marriages must be tended to like a garden. A garden needs water, sunshine and weeding for the plants to flourish. To have a healthy garden, it takes a commitment from you to take care of it.

And so does your marriage.

You must commit to tending to your marriage in the following ways:

Plant the seeds

You planted the seeds of your marriage when you wanted to know more about someone else and also when you fell in love.

Water

You water your marriage when you commit to self-care.

Sunshine

Knowing your "Love Style" gives your marriage the warmth it needs to flourish.

Weeding

By following the rules of communication, you weeds out the hurts before they can damage your marriage.

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If you have a rough period in your marriage and if you don't want to divorce then you should know that there are a few ways to stop the marriage breaking apart. You mustn't give up because it doesn't matter what is the problem in your marriage as long as you fix it.

To find how to solve this problem you can always call a friend or a therapist but all of them will recommend you to do something else and you will only feel confused.

If you want to save your marriage then the first thing you should know is that you must have patience.With patience you can solve all the problems in your marriage and you will prevent divorcing.If both of you want the same thing, and that is saving your marriage, then you shouldn't have a problem in achieving this. Here are some small steps that will mean a big difference in your marriage:

1. Each of you must make a list with the problems in your marriage;

2. After you make the list ,start discussing every problem that you wrote on the paper;

3. On the list that you've created establish some goals which involve solving all the problems and of course achieve the goals;

4. If you want to recover your relationship then try to do some fun activities together, something that you both like or something that you've always wanted to do but didn't do.Now it's time to do it.

These small steps require patience but it saved a lot of marriages before and it could save yours too.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

Click here to save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected, satisfying relationship.