How To Talk To My Husband About My Feelings: My Husband Disregards My Feelings

How often have you heard or read about the "magic" of communication? How good communication is the secret to a healthy marriage? One of the biggest misconceptions about communication is that it will "fix" problems in your marriage. Are we minimizing the importance of good communication in a healthy marriage? No. However, communication without action could cause more problems in your marriage.

The importance of good communication cannot be overstated. However, acting upon the information you communicate is vital to solving problems in your marriage. For instance, suppose you and your spouse have a small sexual problem in your marriage. Perhaps your spouse needs sex approximately three times per week - while you only need sex two times per week. You and your spouse communicate your needs/feelings to one another. Problem solved, right?

Wrong! This is how it usually works. Suppose the husband needs sex three times per week and the wife only needs sex two times per week. After an excellent time of communication, the husband now feels the wife understands his needs for sex - it should be better next week - he believes. The wife has explained to the husband how she only needs sex two times per week. Additionally, she's illustrated how sex three times per week is quite challenging - given her responsibilities with the house and children. The wife now believes the husband understands the situation, surely he'll only ask for sex two times per week now.

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Although both husband and wife are truly communicating their feelings, needs and desires - no problem solving has taken place. It's quite likely the husband will continue attempting to get sex three times per week and the wife will most likely resist - feeling he should understand that twice per week as enough. Conflict will continue to arise in this relationship - only now - the relationship has more problems.

The wife feels the husband is inconsiderate and only thinking of himself and his penis. The husband is feeling pretty much the same way - after all - how can she resist his sexual needs when she now understands he needs sex three times per week? Even worse, both husband and wife have less faith in "communication" as it's only made the problem worse. What's missing in the communication is basic "problem solving".

Problem solving is recognizing how, when and where the conflict arises - then finding and agreeing on steps to resolve those conflicts. For example, suppose the husband and wife had continued their discussion - discovering that each could get what they need if the husband would agree to help with the kids and the house - freeing time for one extra night of sex each week?

Sounds simple doesn't it? Well, unfortunately this is the step that's often left out of communication and the marriage suffers as a result. Both husband and wife should make a commitment to be "problem solvers". Your marriage will blossom.

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One of the most common struggles in marriages today is the difficult challenge of maintaining intimacy once the "honeymoon phase" ends. It's easy to let yourself get so busy with work, kids, church responsibilities and the daily grind of life that spending time focusing on your relationship can be difficult.

This is something I struggle with in my own marriage. I am away at my day job for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week if you include the 1 hour commute each way. By the time I get home my wife and I are both tired, but there's still dinner to be made and dishes to be washed and kids to be put to bed. And a newborn that may or may not stay up all night because she isn't old enough to have a real bedtime yet.

So we don't really get all that much time to ourselves. The time we do get is when we are both exhausted and ready to call it a day.

It would be really easy for us to drift apart during this time, especially considering that my natural tendency is to be emotionally closed off.

That's why it is essential for us to spend dedicated time when we can just focus on our relationship. If you want to learn how to build an intimate marriage here are some tips that we have learned (or are still learning) that you can use:

1. Intimacy Is Not A Feeling

Emotional intimacy is not a feeling. It is a bond that goes much deeper than emotions. You can have an intimate relationship even if you aren't feeling very charitable toward your spouse at any given moment. If you are in the middle of a fight or your husband (or wife) falls asleep in the middle of a conversation that doesn't necessarily mean the intimacy is gone. God allows us to go through challenging times in marriage to build our character. An intimate couple will recognize these challenges for what they are and come back together again as a team.

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2. Commitment Is Key To Intimacy

Before my wife and I got married, we had a discussion about divorce. We agreed that it is not an option for us. We even made a commitment not to use the "d word" in regards to our relationship. I've seen couples use divorce as a threat to manipulate their spouse. At least one of these couples is no longer married.

The best way to create intimacy through commitment is to communicate that commitment regularly. If you have ever used the "d word" as a threat go apologize to your spouse tell him/her that you are committing not to do it again. Reaffirm your marriage vows.

Men: women tend to worry about the security of your marriage more than you do. Take that worry away from her, tell her you are still committed to the relationship.

3. Draw From The Well Of Love

God is the well of love. Drawing His love into you will enable you to better love your husband or wife. If you have a hard time believing that God loves you it will be harder to build an intimate marriage. Seek God together through prayer, Bible study, and worship. I find that doing a devotional with my wife really helps us build intimacy in our relationship.

4. Have Some Fun Together

It's hard to keep intimacy strong in your relationship if there is no fun in your marriage. Take some time to do fun stuff together. Go on dates. Play board games. Or video games for that matter. Tell corny jokes. Whatever. Just have fun once in a while.

5. Sex is Intimacy Too

Speaking of fun, sex is an essential ingredient if you want to have an intimate relationship. Sex is God's gift to married couples, and it is an important part of any healthy marriage. A lot of Christians struggle with this, because it is treated as taboo in most Christian circles. Don't be ashamed of your sexuality.

You really can't have emotional intimacy in marriage without sexual intimacy.

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A simple, sincere, heartfelt smile is all you need to launch a thousand ships in your marriage. These ships may be relationships, breakthroughs and opportunities, voyages and missions, healing and deliverance, or any powerful move of God.

Nehemiah 8:10 says that the joy of the Lord is your strength. And you can't have joy without a smile. In fact, smile is the physical manifestation of a spirit of joy bubbling inside of you. This smile is your source of power.

Though it's hard to fake a smile, practicing to smile can turn into a habit, and eventually a lifestyle. Try to smile when you are feeling down. It will be difficult at the start but the more you do it, the less down you will feel, and ultimately joy will start rising from within you.

Having that smile on your face draws your husband closer to you. It makes him feel light and peaceful. It makes him want to be around you all the time. You become a breath of fresh air for him. My smile melts my husband's heart and makes him want to come home to me with excited anticipation, knowing that he can relax and be at peace.

I am sharing all these with you not because I have been an expert on this matter but because I have come to realize how true it is. Though I have always been a pleasant person, the stress and problems of everyday life weigh me down most of the time. Marriage brought with it its own sets of challenges too that robbed me off my joy at certain points in the early years of my marriage.

I know a lot of you can relate to this one. Your husband got attracted to you because of your smile. He felt wanted and desired. He felt comfortable with you. Then problems came and you started losing that smile. He comes to you and says that you have changed. He doesn't even want to be around you anymore. You blame him for it, but honestly, you agree with him.

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The fact remains that God created us women as encouragers. You can't be encouraging without a smile. Actually, you don't even have to say anything sometimes. A simple smile can be the most encouraging gesture to your man or any other person for that matter.

Men are drawn to a smiling face. The devil knows this too well which is why porn sites are filled with young girls with those innocent smiles. If a husband comes home to a wife who always looks miserable, he will be easily enticed by other women who will offer him that smile. Of course you can say, "How dare he do something like that when he is the one causing my misery". And I can totally feel you on this one. However, this will not make you win him back, unless you really want him out of your life.

Let me share with you a secret on how I can remain smiling despite some hurtful or angry feelings I have inside of me. It's not easy though and some days I am better, while some days I am not.

I try to contain my hurts and anger within myself and leave it between me and God. I cry to God privately and ask Him to sustain me. I also ask Him to isolate me and not let my husband sense what I am going through. When I leave my hurts between me and God, and when I subject all my feelings to Him, He comes quickly on my behalf. God surely rewards our efforts. He knows that I want to keep that smile on my face to please Him, and so He helps me with it all the time.

Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous woman/wife as "smiling at the future", which means she is not worried. Worry can surely erase that smile on your face and I'm telling you... this is one of the biggest turn-offs for men. You can ask them and find it out for yourself.

I remember an incident during the 1st year of our marriage when I was having my pity party. My husband told me that I reminded him of his ex-girlfriend who used her pity parties to make him stay but which actually pushed him away further.

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Another incident that was very similar to this was a TV show we were watching one night. The husband had an incident in his office. A young girl they just hired was so happy for her new job that she put her arms around him and kissed him on the lips. This bothered the husband. He felt good about it but knew that it was not right. He then talked to the girl and honestly told her that what happened should never happen again. This husband didn't want to hide anything from his wife so he opened up to her and told her what happened. The wife, already feeling insecure because she is an at-home mom, felt so jealous and mad. She ended up crying and telling him how disgusted she was. I was totally feeling her on that one and my husband blurted out: "I hate that look". It made me upset that he said that. I defended the wife and explained to him what she was going through. My husband didn't change his mind about her.

This is the reality, ladies. Men hate a depressed, defeated look. It's not that they don't want to see us crying. They just don't want to see us look so miserable. It drives them away. And this is why we have Jesus. He is the One we should run to... the One we should cry to... the One who will let us cry without driving Him away.

Remember... A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones (Proverbs 17:22).

Your smile will heal your husband from any issues that he still has, while your misery will just dry up his bones. Your smile will make him feel wanted, desired, and adored. It will make him feel like a real man. And when a man starts feeling this way, oh believe me; he will do anything for his woman. This is where you will see him change.

You can't do this on your own though. You need the joy of the Lord in you to be able to maintain that beautiful smile that God has gifted you with. It all starts by having that desire to please your husband, as unto the Lord.

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What men want in a woman is someone who has done ballet in the past. Their body structure and mannerisms qualify the woman as perfect wife material... obviously, I am joking. You may be a ballerina reading this article. I have the utmost respect for you and your craft. You truly have a lot of discipline to pursue this elegant dance. At any rate, elegance is the reason why I chose the metaphor of a ballerina for this article. Ballerinas really do have a lot of characteristics that men love. Let's go through some of them here.

1. Gracefulness

You cannot talk about a ballerina without talking about how graceful and serene they look. They are able to execute the most complex of dance movements with utmost precision with not a hint of clumsiness.

Men like graceful women, simply because men can't be graceful (or few of us are). It's not only that we like that which we can't get, it's mainly because we're attracted to the feminine nature of gracefulness.

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2. Power

The gracefulness of a ballerina belies the power that is held within the muscles of a ballerina. Ballerinas have to undergo strict exercise regimens, going so far as to practice hours and hours a day to perfect their bodies.

Men are attracted to power and if a woman is strong, men will naturally gravitate towards a woman if she exhibits power.

3. Discipline

Discipline is the precursor of power and is what is required to develop it in the first place. Discipline is a generally attractive characteristic that most people are attracted to, simply because so few people exhibit it on a long-term basis.

If you have positive traits, they mostly came through hard work and discipline. You're proud of your traits because of the hard work you put into them. If you have a toned body for example, men will be able to tell that you don't succumb to night hungers.

What men want in a woman is someone who is a ballerina. They don't have to have done all the training and hours and hours of rehearsals. All they have to have done is have the mindset and mannerisms of a ballerina. Grace, power and discipline are traits that men find attractive. If you can incorporate it into your daily life, your man will be a lot more affectionate towards you. Just give it a shot.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. You Can Save Your Marriage These powerful techniques will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save Your marriage today! Click Here

Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

Do you have a unique situation? Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: RelationshipTalkForum.com