Although someone may want to be in an intimate relationship, they might not feel that this is possible for them. The reason for this is that they might not have been able to get very close to another person.

Or, if they have been in at least one relationship, this might have soon ended just as they started to move closer together. There is the chance that this has happened on more than one occasion.

Totally Confused

At this point in time, they could wonder why they are unable to take the next step; it could seem as though someone or something out there is holding them back. If so, there could be moments when they feel like a powerless victim.

But, if they haven’t been able to achieve their aim and they have been playing their part, how else would they feel? The time for them to be positive and to keep their head up may have been and gone.

An Old Approach

In the past, they may have done their best to stay positive and not let what is going on get them down. Yet, as this has been going on for so long, they might not have the energy or the desire to be positive any longer.

They will no longer want to live in hope; they will want this area of their life to actually change. Over the years, they may have done a number of things to try to change this area of their life, only to feel more frustrated.

For Example

So, when it comes to what they have done to change their life, they may have worked on their confidence and appearance. Along with this, they may have put themselves out there by going to different events, social clubs and even travelled.

They may have also done their best to live a life that is fulfilling and let go of their need to be with anyone. Another part of this is that they may have become more successful, in the hope that this would make them more desirable and seen as a stable partner.

A Closer Look

If they were to open up to another about what is going on for them, they could end up being surprised by the response. They could be told that the reason they are unable to experience what they want to experience is that part of them doesn’t want it.

This could end up being dismissed and seen as something that is not true for them. They could say that the fact that they have been putting in the work, as opposed to simply sitting around, proves this.

Two Parts

If this is how they respond, what they will need to think about is that they have both a conscious and an unconscious mind. This means that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind, and this part of them is smaller and far weaker than the other part of them.

As they haven’t been able to have what they desire at a conscious level, there has to be something that is taking place at an unconscious level that is cancelling his part of them out. Still, it is not that this part of them is trying to undermine them; it is trying to protect them.

Going Deeper

As their conscious mind doesn’t understand what is going on and is confused, it is likely to show that their brain has blocked out the information that would shed light on what is going on. What this may show is that there was a stage of their formative years that was deeply traumatic.

If they were to look back on their life, they might not be able to think of a stage of it that was painful. They could even say that their early years were fine and that they were not abused and/or neglected, for instance.

Way Back

Regardless of whether or not their childhood years were or were not very nurturing, their developmental years might not have been. From the moment they were born, they may have often been left and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care.

When they were left, they are likely to have felt helpless, alone and as though they were going to die. As for when they were given attention, they are likely to have felt smothered, trapped and as though they were going to be annihilated.

A Brutal Time

How they felt would have soon ended up being automatically repressed by their brain and they would have gone into a shut-down, collapsed and frozen state. Additionally, they would have come to associate human contact with something that would cause them to lose themselves and die.

Therefore, they would then have been deprived of the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way as an infant and then they would have unconsciously continued to deprive themselves of what they needed as an adult. But, as this took place very early on and their brain blocked out what took place, it is to be expected that they have believed that they had no control over this area of their life.

It’s not over

What took place will be well and truly over but their brain and body won’t have truly moved on from what happened. They are likely to be carrying a lot of pain and arousal and this will need to be released and worked through.

Their system will gradually need to learn that it is safe for them to get close to another, to maintain their sense of self and that they won’t die. This is whole process is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author of 25 books, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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