Firstly, a mother-enmeshed man will need to see that he is enmeshed, and, secondly, he will need to do something about it. It can be difficult for him to see that this is the case and doing something about it can be even harder.

If he had a physical problem, it would stand out and he would most likely do something about it. After paying a visit to his doctor, it might only be a matter of time before something is done.

A Very Different Issue

When it comes to him being focused on his mother’s life and unable to live his own life, this might not be something that stands out. As a result of this, there will be no reason for him to do anything about it.

This is not to say that living in this way won’t have a negative effect on him, in the same way that a physical problem will. What it comes down to is that he won’t be aware of the damage that is being done by living in this way.

The Power of Denial

Not putting his needs first is going to mean that he will be neglecting himself and his life. His life is then not going to be anything like it would be if he was to channel most of his energy towards himself and his own life, as opposed to his mother and her life.

To continue to behave in the same way and, thus, to overlook the damage that is being done and how he really feels, he will need to stay focused on his mother. He will have to ignore anything that sheds light on what is actually going on.

An Analogy

It will be as though he is driving very slowly towards the edge of a cliff. It could take a few decades until he will drive off the edge and end up in a bad way, but, this point in time will arrive.

To overlook his own challenges and to keep his true feelings at bay will require a lot of energy. There could come a point in time when he no longer has the energy to keep it together and it could be at this point that he finally “wakes up” and sees clearly.

Another Reason

Then again, this could be something that will take place if he was to start a relationship. His partner, by not being on the outside, might be able to see that he is too focused on his mother and is neglecting himself.

If it wasn’t for her, he may have continued to go down the same path and ended up falling off the edge of the cliff. This is not to say that this will be a straightforward process, though, as he could experience a fair amount of resistance.

On The Defensive

He could deny that he is too focused on his mother and say that he is only doing what any “good” son would do, or something similar. However, if he is open-minded and listens to what his partner has to say, it might not be long he comes to his senses.

This could be something that will take place after he has reflected on his behaviour and has started to see how out of balance he is. He might see that he has been more like his mother's parent than her son.

Two Levels

Yet, just because he will see things differently, it doesn’t mean that his emotional self will support his new outlook that is slowly taking root. Also, he could have moments when he goes back to his old way of seeing and thinking.

Consequently, it can be normal for him to continue to behave in the same way. Most likely, he will have focused on his mother's needs for most of his life, so it could be said that this is to be expected.

An Undeveloped State

Very early on, he won’t have received what he needed to stay connected to himself, to develop a strong sense of self, and to feel comfortable expressing his needs and living his own life. He would have had to meet some of his mother's needs and to focus on her life.

This is why being there for his mother will feel comfortable and he will feel guilty being there for himself. What he will need to keep in mind is that behaving in this way only feels comfortable due to the fact that his mother used him; therefore, putting himself first and living his own life is not inherently bad or wrong.

Something to Meditate On

When he does lose his inner clarity and feels bad for putting himself first, one thing that he can keep in mind is that his mother won’t live forever. The purpose of this is not for him to experience fear and to worry about losing his mother; it is so that he can see the bigger picture and focus on what matters.

As his mother won’t live forever, it will mean that he can start living his life now or he can wait until she has passed on. The sooner he starts living his life, the sooner he will be able to live a life that is worth living.

The Same Scenario

For so long, it might not have even occurred to him that there will be a time when she is no longer alive. But, by reflecting on this, it can serve as a wake-up call and make it easier for him to do what is best for him.

If he was to continue to focus on her, there will come a point in time when her time on this planet will be up and he will have very little to show for it; he won’t have much of a life as he will have used most of his life and life force on her. Just as he would have been emotionally, if not physically, abandoned very early on, he could feel abandoned, used, and betrayed all over again.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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