For as long as a man can remember, he may see that he has had the need to focus on his mother and to take care of her needs. Nonetheless, this is unlikely to be something that he consciously thinks about, as it is likely to be something that just happens.

It will then be clear that he spends a lot of time and energy on her, and, in comparison, very little on himself. Naturally, his life is not going to be anywhere near what it would be if this wasn’t the case.


Still, even though he has this insight, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to change his behaviour. He could have a strong need to continue to behave in the same way and this can be hard for him to handle.

There could even be moments when he will think about how his life was better before as he was blissfully unaware of what was going on. Now, he is aware of what is going on but he can feel powerless to do anything about it.

Another Experience

Consequently, his life is not going to be a great deal different to a man who is in this position but who is not aware of it. When a man is not aware of what is going on- just as with a man who is - he will do what he can to serve his mother.

It won’t occur to him that he is out of balance or that he should spend more of his time and energy on his own life. Most of his life force, then, will be directed towards his mother and used to build up her life.

A Source of Power

When it comes to his life, just about every part of it could be neglected. He could often ignore his physical and mental and emotional health, his relationships could be in a mess and his career, if he has one, could be a far cry from what it could be.

But, if he is channelling most of his energy towards his mother, how else would his life be? However, as this is how he has more or less always been, there will be no reason for him to join the dots, so to speak.

The Signs Are There

This is not to say that there won’t be signs that will shed light on the fact that he is neglecting himself. For example, he could spend a fair amount of time feeling down and depressed, with it often being hard for him to find the motivation to do anything.

Yet, due to his need to be there for his mother, he may do what he can to avoid how he feels. Thanks to this, it won’t be possible for him to make use of the feedback that is being provided and, thus, to change course.

Drawing the Line

Irrespective of whether a man is aware of what is going on or not, what is clear is that he is on this planet to live his own life. He is not here to be an extension of his mother and to do what she wants.

If appearances were put to one side, it could be said that he will be behaving more like her parent than her son. It will be essential for him to take a lot of his energy away from his mother and to start directing it towards his own life; if he doesn’t, he will continue to live an unfulfilling life and watch his life pass by.

A Big Risk

Now, although behaving in this way is not serving his highest good, it is going to be what feels comfortable. This shows that something isn’t right, as focusing on and living his own life should be what feels comfortable.

If he was to change his behaviour, he could end up feeling guilty and experience fear and anxiety. It is then going to be as if he is doing something wrong and his very survival will feel under threat.

What’s going on?

What this is likely to show is that, during his early years, his mother used him to fulfil some of her adult and unmet childhood needs, which would have stopped him from being able to develop properly. He won’t have gone through each developmental stage, hence why his survival is still attached to his mother.

If his needs were met on a regular basis and the care that he received was “good enough”, he would have grown out of the enmeshed state that he was in and developed a sense of self. Furthermore, he would have felt comfortable with his needs and expressing himself.


He will look like an adult but, at an emotional level, he will feel like an abandoned boy. If he no longer focused on his mother and focused on his own life, he would come into contact with his early trauma.

Instead of having a strong core, he will just have a false self that has been created on top of the emotional pain and trauma that he experienced very early on. This false self would have been automatically created very early on and it would have allowed him to survive this brutal stage of his life.

Living on the Surface

Unlike his true self that will be found in his body, his false self will a be creation of his mind. To handle this stage of his life, he would have needed to be super focused on the external world as this would have allowed him to do what his mother wanted and to please her.

Being in his body and in tune with his needs and feelings wouldn’t have served him. Being in tune with his mother’s needs and feelings, on the other hand, would have decreased his chances of being punished and abandoned.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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