One thing that someone could wonder, if they had a mother who was typically not very nurturing, is why she even had a child or perhaps children. But, based on how she generally behaved, this is to be expected.

If she had generally been nurturing and supportive, there would be no reason for them to have this question. However, it might have taken them many, many years to get to this point

A Number of Hurdles

For so long, they might not have been aware of the fact that their mother had been cold and cruel. This will be because their brain blocked out what took place in order to allow them to keep it together and function.

Also, after they became aware of some of what took place and if they had always been aware of certain things, they might have blamed themselves for what happened. What this would have done is stop them from being able to see their mother clearly.

Inner Clarity

Now, though, as they have been able to see her more clearly, it is likely to show that even if they do blame themselves for what happened, this blame won’t be as strong as it was before. Thanks to this, part of them will know that what happened wasn’t their fault and that their mother couldn't have been in a good way.

Undoubtedly, if she had been in a good way, there would have been no reason for her to mistreat her own child. After all, this child was her own flesh and blood; not a random stranger, who simply came into her life and needed to be cared for.

No Access

There is a chance that they have tried to find out directly why their mother had a child but not have been able to make much headway. Moreover, their mother might deny that she mistreated them and make out that she was a good mother.

For example, she could say that she gave them what they needed, with her focus being on their material needs. This could be true but what she will have seldom met was their emotional needs.

Another Direction

By not being able to find out directly why she had a child, or to have their early experiences acknowledged, they will know that they need to find another way to answer this question. What could also enter their mind is that their mother is not very connected to herself.

Therefore, what could stand out is that she is not aware of why she had a child. And, if she has given reasons as to why she had a child, they will just be some of the reasons as to why this was.

Going Deeper

Taking into account how disconnected she is likely to be and how she behaved very early on, it is likely that her early years were anything but nurturing and she was deeply wounded. She would then have been deprived of the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Consequently, her physical and mental self would have grown but her emotional self would have been frozen in time. Additionally, to handle what happened, she would have ended up leaving her body and creating a disconnected and perhaps inflated false self.


So, when she became pregnant, it would have been as though a child was carrying a child and, when her child was born, she wouldn’t have been in a position to provide the child with what they needed. At this stage, their child needed a mother who was able to attune to their needs and generally meet them.

Yet, as she was out of touch with her feelings and perhaps had a brain that was damaged due to her own early deprivation, she would have lacked the ability to do this. Instead, her child would have had to adapt to her needs and been deprived in the process.

A Continuation

As the years passed and her child got older, the fact that she wasn’t able to attach to her child would have made it easier for her to mistreat them. If she had bonded with her child, it would have been a lot harder for her to do this.

But, although she was mistreating her child, she is likely to have really been engaging in indirect revenge. She was probably unable to see her child clearly, with her unconsciously projecting her parent or parents into them.

The Main Question

With this aside, if she has said that she wanted a child, for instance, and that’s why she had one, what will stand out is that there were many other reasons why she had one. But, as these reasons were hidden, she wouldn't have been aware of them.

First, what may have played a part is that as she was a woman, she felt that she should have a child. Second, she might not have planned to get pregnant but had been pressured into keeping it.

The Other Side

These will relate to what was taking place for her at a couscous level; there will then be what was taking place for her at an unconscious level. Deep down, she may have believed that having a child would allow her to finally receive what she missed out on as a child.

A child would give her the attunement, love, admiration and attention that she missed out on from her own parents. Her child, before they were even born, would have had their role set out for them.

Repeating The Past

Along with this, there are likely to be many other reasons why a mother, who couldn’t love but wasn’t aware of this, both had and kept her child. Ultimately, as she was likely to have been deeply wounded as a child and hadn’t become aware of let alone dealt with any of her issues, she passed on what was done to her.

This is an example of how one generation passes on what was done to them, while being totally oblivious to what is taking place. What this emphasises is how important self-awareness and healing are when it comes to drawing the line.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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