My Husband Does Not Sleep With Me: My Husband Never Comes To Bed With Me

It is said that we take birth twice in our lives- first when we are actually born and second when we get married and each time it is a start of a new life. When we are old enough and ready to get married, our whole life gone by flashes in front of our eyes and we reminisce our childhood with all its events, the good and the bad ones together.

There is a hidden hope in all of us that after this new opportunity to live happily that is getting married, our partners would keep us happy and will be with us emotionally and physically whenever we need them, so we can finally heal past childhood wounds.

But, why does it happen that the love we have on our wedding day gradually vanishes and we just get silent treatments and sexless nights instead of the love we imagined? Is it work-pressure, lack of time or another love failure to account for this sad situation? Or is there another reason?

The main factor to explain here is the hidden pact between the parties. They hope in silence that their past wounds will be healed, but they don't know clearly how deep this hurt is, neither have they known how to express this repair need to each other. Is like two blind people dealing with each other without recognizing that they need obvious help communicating with each other.

Childhood experiences are usually packaged into a concept: what kind of attachment style did your experiences provided you? What I call childhood wounds, is more or less the condensed story of a failed attachment that left the person mostly resentful because left alone, or mistrusting people's intentions because he was lied to, or expecting the worst from the world and from other people, because this is the result that child abandonment produces. We rationalize those ideas as being "prudent," "realistic," or simply "being normal," when they are, in reality, condensed versions of childhood experiences.

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One very important point of our relational frame is that all the behavior prompted by the attachment model is unconscious. After so many years in which we tell ourselves that we have left our childhood behind, we tend to forget completely the experiences that made us as adults.

Even if both members of the couple would be ready to share their unconscious needs coming from past frustration of their childhood needs, they can't, because they can't access the unconscious well of their primary experiences.

How can we describe the two levels of a couple's communication? We have what we express as our conscious wishes for this new marriage; and we have the hidden, true but unconscious conversation underneath. Neither of the two sides of the couple realizes the strong influence of this hidden mindset!

The have forgotten the past, and only have the lessons of it as a vague mindset that prescribes for them how relationships "have to be" to make them "happy." They never realize this mindset is a strict cage where few options are allowed and fear covers the unknown dimensions. Mark Waller (1) makes an extraordinary description of the "hidden agenda of the marriage contract," here:

"The subconscious agenda behind the wedding is that this other person will finally heal our pain. Of course, we are completely unaware of our pain and how it drove us to the altar. But we expect our partner "to get it" and heal us nonetheless. They both have the same hidden agenda:

"Okay, Sally. I take you to be my lawfully wedded bride, to have and to hold, as long as you prove to be safe and never make any emotional demands on me."

"Ralph, I take you as my husband so that you can give me what my mother never gave me: approval, acceptance and a sense of importance. Recognition wouldn't be bad either. By the way, I promise never to tell you what I want since I don't know that myself... "

And their marriage goes on and on around hidden needs.

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Without knowing the weight of our hidden expectations from each other, we can easily feel again frustrated, left behind and even rejected by the partner who is not delivering the expected relief to our childhood wounds. If only we ourselves knew how to express them!

We are all children having imperfect attachments. More insight on what are our childhood wounds, and what kind of balsam we need to heal them, is necessary. Imagine that you could be so brave as to explain to your partner what were the main areas you felt deprived in (was it recognition, encouragement, appreciation?) Or perhaps you can look at the reverse: what were you given little of: (impossibly high expectations, but never a bit of appreciation; lots of nagging and never a thank you, etc.)?

Then, you could be so brave as to tell your partner: "For me, for this marriage to succeed, I need to hear frequently (daily?) that I'm valuable for you. Don't ever think that we can get away with no praise or recognition... because you will be depriving me of the nutrition I crave most. So, please, give me a kind word for each thing I do for you... up until my inner child feels secure and appreciated."

By the same token, would you be ready to hear your partner saying: "OK, I haven't revealed this to anybody, but I feel insecure when other people are around... everybody seems to be more capable and intelligent than me. Could you please, remind me in your own words, when you see me doing things that are intelligent? I will probably reject you saying: "Oh, it's nothing," but I will feel comforted and happy inside."

In this way, nobody is forced to express hidden resentment through silent treatment; or trying to get a partner's attention using sexual denial, emotional abuse, snide comments, or confrontation as the preferred communication style. Being able to express hidden wounds as requests is a style that is plain, honest and focused on what are the needs of each side, to be solved by the joint cooperative work of the couple. Here is a real, concrete marriage contract both can deliver!

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You love your spouse, but your relationship is not the way you want it to be. How can you tell your spouse without making things worse? Some people are so afraid of upsetting their spouse that they suffer for years in silence. Ironically, sometimes both partners suffer in silence over the same problem, only to find out years later when the silence is finally broken. The time of long suffering relationships is over and couples are realizing that without open discussion, their relationship will be dead in the water. All the same, communication is both a skill and an art.--one that many couples don't have in proportion to their need.

"A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down," is a line from the movie Mary Poppins that holds good relationship advice for telling people what they may not want to hear. In the case of telling your husband or wife that you are unhappy with the relationship, you will need to be quick to add that you want the relationship to become better for the both of you. Something like this, "John/Jill, I'm not satisfied with our relationship, but I want to work on it and make it better." Saying both of these things together helps to soften the blow, not scare our partner out of their wits, or create a defensive backlash.

What you must remember when you say this is that you prepared yourself before you said it. Your partner, on the other hand, is hearing this unprepared. His or her reaction is not going to be well thought out. Whatever your spouse says at this point, stay calm and don't argue. Here are three common responses spouses have and how you can handle them.

1. If your spouse agrees with you that there are problems and that he or she has also been thinking about how to make the relationship better, then great! You have a relationship that is in the minority, but well on the way to becoming a great relationship. Together, you can explore the way you would like the relationship to be (rather than how the problems started) and make plans for getting the relationship in Olympic shape. You can hire a relationship coach to help one or both of you if you get stuck.

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2. If your spouse says there are problems, but they are all because of you, then you are in the majority. This is still a good position, though, because your spouse is recognizing that there are problems. Recognition of problems is the first step to making things better. It is also the basis for starting a dialogue. Continuing the dialogue will depend on your listening rather than trying to get your points across. Your spouse will not be listening to your points anyhow. They will only be forming their counterarguments while you talk. You can be the mature one and listen carefully, agreeing with your spouse wherever possible and not arguing about even one thing.

3. If your spouse denies that there are any problems, then your job will be to raise awareness. People in denial need help becoming aware of a problem before they will even consider doing something about it. Usually, a problem focused approach will just cause more denial. Instead, suggest some of the ways that your relationship might become better--feeling closer, having more fun, more romance, a budget for each of you to be able to enjoy activities you like, etc. Do not try to push your spouse into action. Action alone will not create change. Pushing your spouse into action is like going on a quickie diet. You will end up with more of what you don't want in the end.

If your spouse is not ready to work with you now (reactions 2 and 3 above), there are still plenty of things that you can do to work on making your relationship better. Don't be trapped by the myth that it takes two to improve a relationship. Very often, it is most helpful for the most emotionally healthy person to begin working first. As improvements are made, your partner and other family members will have to readjust to your changes. In this way, the healthy person in the family has the most power to help their family to change. Marriage and family counselors have capitalized on this fact for years.

People who are dissatisfied with their relationships are often willing to make changes, but don't know how. Change is a difficult, but satisfying process that results in a life that we enjoy living and a relationship that we enjoy having. You may wish to hire a relationship coach to help you to have a positive, goal-focused approach, to create the love and life that you want.

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If you feel that your marriage is heading for the divorce courts and you are desperately searching for ways to save it. Don't panic, many couples have saved their marriages, as long as both of you realize that there are problems and are willing to sit down and discussed in a rational manner. Try to figure out where things went wrong and agree that you have to put a lot of effort into rebuilding your marriage.

There are things that you can do to correct your problems and stop your divorce:

1. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor and let them help you iron out your differences. Counselors are trained in how to help people deal with conflicts such as infidelity, depression and any other issues that you might have that are tearing your marriage apart. If you are not able to afford a marriage counselor, then search out marriage counselors in your church, a lot of times they will donate their time so they can help couples selvage their marriage.

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2. If you really want to stop your divorce then listen to your marriage counselor don't take everything to personally. Try and listen to your spouses side also and don't jump to conclusions. Don't get your feelings hurt to easily when you don't agree what is discussed, your counselor is trying to bring out both of your views out in the open and is trying to find a solution to your problems. Being honest and listening to what your spouse is saying might help your spouse to listen to you also.

3. To stop your divorce before your attorney gets involved, you must keep your cool. Don't argue with your spouse, you are not getting anything resolved at this point any way, and if you continue arguing it might just make the situation worse. Don't force your opinions on him to change his mind about the divorce, at this point he is pretty angry and you are just making things worse. The more you try to point out what went wrong the more he will try to defend himself.

4. Finally you must get yourself prepared mentally that as much as you might want this marriage to be saved, it might be just to late. Being honest and realistic about your marriage situation will help you better cope with the whole divorce thing.

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I recently heard from a wife who said that she felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under her. She had only been married for a couple of years, but she and her husband had recently purchased a home and had begun trying to start a family. But then, out of the blue, her husband sat her down and told her that he didn't feel that married life "agreed" with him. He said that he didn't think he was meant to be married and probably wasn't the right guy for the wife. He told her that she deserved better and that he wanted his "old life back" where he didn't have all these responsibilities. He assured the wife that she would find someone "more grown up" and better suited to raising a family.

Needless to say, the wife was floored and beyond devastated. And frankly, she didn't know where all of this was coming from. The husband seemed excited and committed when they had brought the house and planned their family. And now he suddenly wanted a divorce because of his own cold feet? Of course, the wife was terrified of being stuck with a large house all on her own, but more than that, she loved her husband. She wanted a future with him and she firmly believed that he had wanted that too.

She wondered if there were any signs she missed or if she were just seeing things that she wanted to see. And, she had a hard time believing that the husband could just declare that marriage wasn't for him and walk away that easily. She asked me what women typically do in this situation. Frankly, the response to this as individual as the couples themselves. But since it was clear to me that she didn't want to walk away without trying everything that she could to save the marriage, I offered her some insights, which I'll share now.

Sometimes, The Responsibilities Of Being Married Scare Husbands. But With A Plan, Space And Time, Things Can Get Better: I think that the fact that this couple had been married for only a short time was pretty telling. And, the fact that they were getting ready to make huge steps like being home owners and parents also likely played a role. The husband was likely looking around and suddenly seeing how different his life was now compared with the way that it used to be.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

And this comparison may have made him feel scared and uncomfortable. I'm not saying that this is entirely fair. The wife had changed her lifestyle too and also had some anxiety, but you didn't see her running away. However, the fact was that the husband did have these feelings so rather than denying them or trying to magically erase them (which probably wasn't all that likely,) the preferable choice was likely dealing with the issue at hand.

And I felt the wife was going to have more success if she approached this from a place of understanding rather than a place of disappointment. Yes, it was probably quite tempting to let it slip that he was being immature and cowardly. And these descriptions may well have been accurate. But, telling this to a man who is already struggling to be a responsible adult would probably not be the best call.

And sometimes, this anxiety and fear by the husband can be worked out if you have some patience and play this correctly. You want for him to know that, as his wife, you want for him to be happy. If this situation was too much too soon, all that could be changed. The idea is to change the situation rather than the marriage.

How To React When Your Husband Says He Wants His Old Life Back: This phrase was somewhat offensive to the wife. Because honestly, when the husband was single, he was immature with no real goals. I told the wife that he probably wasn't saying that he wanted to be a young kid without responsibilities. What he was probably saying was that he did want some time to just enjoy fun times with his wife and his friends before he made the commitment to be a father or to be the sole support of someone else.

This seemed very self centered and immature to the wife and she may have well been right about this. But, the undeniable fact was that this was the way he felt so, as his wife, she needed to respect this and open up the discussion. Because I didn't think it was impossible for a compromise to be reached. Nothing said that the wife couldn't offer the husband more carefree time with her or his friends. And nothing said that they couldn't make a decision to delay parenthood until they were both ready.

Sure, the wife didn't want to wait to start a family. But, she had to admit that waiting and having her husband was better than pushing too hard and sitting in her house alone. I suggested that she try to get him to have an honest conversation about this so that she could get a sense about which things the husband found most problematic. Once she had a good sense of what was truly bothering him, she could work on coming up with compromises that made them both happy.

I felt pretty certain that there was a happy medium somewhere. Yes, their marriage had come quickly and they were suddenly spouses with a mortgage and this was making the husband feel pressured. But there was also a lot of love between them and I suspected that if the wife focused on the love rather than the conflict with some very deliberate actions at the right time, she might see an improvement, which was what she really wanted even if she was angry.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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