My Husband Resents Me and Wants A Divorce: My Husband Resents Me How Do I Fix It
If you've been putting in a lot of effort trying to get better at understanding men, then you may have already stumbled upon this perplexing predicament when you are trying to work together with your man. There are several reasons that your man might get angry at you, but they can really be whittled down to 3 core reasons. The scary thing is, two of these three reasons are things that 90% of women do by accident, so even though you may not be trying to make your man resent you, you might be doing it without knowing it. I'll use some examples from my own marriage to help illustrate the point.
1. Doubting Us
This is probably one of the biggest things that get under a man's skin. If you want to make us feel inadequate and unable to do what we're put on this earth to do (provide and protect you), you're pushing yourself away from us.
My wife does this by accident every now and then. Probably the most common example is when she asks me to stop on the side of the road and ask directions from a servo if I'm lost (I've got a bad sense of direction). She wants to help, but I can't help but feel disappointed that she doesn't think I can take us where we need to go.
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2. Not Respecting Our Time
Us guys love to serve women, especially the married ones. Having a woman who relies only on us for her needs makes us feel validated and simply put, special. But if you take it too far and treat us like servants, we won't like you.
My wife used to do this a lot in her earlier days. She would call on me to take her out out of nowhere, often when I was doing something. When I turned her down, she resented me. Resentment breeds resentment.
3. Comparing Us
This is another big one that gets a lot of men down, especially since it's something that can be extremely personal. If you want to turn your man into your enemy, this is the best way of going about it.
Compare us to a movie star or someone else in a different league, fine. Compare us to your girlfriend's man, especially when it comes to money and giving her what she wants and that just tells us that you don't respect what we're already giving you.
Ladies, understanding men is easy. All you have to realize is that we're not a completely different species from you. We're human. Treat us with respect, never assume that we're always there and we'll love you all the more for it.
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It has become pretty apparent by now that one of the chief causes of our society's ills is the breakdown of the family. The key to stabilizing families is making marriage work. Almost everyone who marries does so with the intention of making it last a lifetime. The problem is that most people just don't know how.
The chief reason why couples fall out of love is the way they handle (or don't handle) conflict. Some conflict is almost inevitable when two individuals get close, particularly when they are eating out of the same trough. But conflict can play hell with love. Man/woman love is anything but unconditional yet many people seem not to realize that. Whether or not you can keep your love alive depends very much on what you do and say when you're angry. And we all get angry on occasion.
There are two main ways in which people mishandle anger: either it's too intense or it's too prolonged. In the first instance the anger blows your love right out of the water. When the harsh words are spoken or the threats are made and received, the tender shoots of love will be damaged, at least. The fear begins. And fear is most antithetical to love. When you hurt your loved one you make them feel hesitant and guarded. They fear being close to you. And when your loved one does not feel close to you, you are going to lose some satisfaction. When you lose satisfaction you're going to start thinking about ending it. Or they are.
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The other way people misuse anger is by prolonging it. Anger is meant to be temporary, a transient emotion that reflects a condition in your environment. When conditions change, and they are always changing, you're supposed to move on and leave the anger behind. Anger prolonged is known as resentment or a grudge. It's poisonous to a love relationship. You have to let it go and forgive.
There are four types of interpersonal behavior that, if allowed to continue, will surely corrode a marriage. Even between two people who really love each other, repeated
engagement in these four types of interaction will damage a relationship beyond repair. Marriage researcher John Gottman of the University of Washington calls them the Four Horsemen of the Marital Apocalypse because of their powerfully destructive potential.
1. criticism--an attack against the person rather than a complaint about their behavior
2. contempt--extreme disrespect, often accompanied by derision or disgust
3. defensiveness--responding to a criticism with a counter-attack, avoiding the issue, denial
4. stonewalling--a characteristically male behavior, simply ignoring or failing to respond to a complaint or request
If a couple can manage to avoid the Four Horsemen they will have a much better chance of making marriage stick.
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One of the words that became very popular in the 90s is co-dependent. Initially it was used to describe the spouses of chemically dependent people. The term gradually expanded to cover people who let the feelings and actions of another affect them to the degree that they lose control over their own lives.
Co-dependency is primarily applied to women and has a negative connotation. One rarely hears of a man described as co-dependent. Instead a male spouse of an addict who cares for house and home is looked at positively. They get accolades and recognition for the additional work that they are doing. We have a double standard in our society. What is admired in men may be frowned upon in women.
What is it about our society that has encouraged women to become co-dependent? Our culture holds women responsible for managing their families, home, and their jobs. There is little reinforcement to also care for self. Additionally, women are by nature caring about others and willing to do what needs to be done.
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Molly had been married to Jeff for 28 years. They both had jobs outside the home but Molly saw herself also as being responsible to make sure the family was functioning. For many years they worked well together, he primarily took care of the house, yard and car maintenance. As Jeff's drinking increased he did less and less at home. Molly took on his tasks also. He was less and less available to the family and began staying away increasingly. Molly made sure that the kids and house were taken care of. Between her job and all she had to do at home Molly took no time for herself. One day her husband told her that he was leaving her. How could that be? She had worked so hard at preserving the outward appearance of a "perfect" marriage. Molly was the kind of person who, from the time she was little, was pleasing others. She was taught not to be selfish. When she was sad or unhappy she pushed it away saying to herself that she should not feel that way. After a while she couldn't even tell what she felt. Denial of her feelings over time blocked them out.
I see the term co-dependency as being applied negatively to women who provide strength and stability to their families. When they label themselves co-dependent they view this as there being something wrong with them. When in reality these are incredibly strong women who need to recognize that it is important to also care for themselves. That means adding a piece rather than having to defend what they have been doing. Labels, like co-dependent, limit people and get in the way of validating their strength. Instead of labels we need to give support to women who take on the responsibility of keeping the family functioning. They also need to hear the positive message that indeed it is all right for them to also care about themselves and to have expectations of others.
Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.
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I read a story about Tony Toto, of Allentown, PA. He operated a pizza parlor there. Tony Toto survived at least 5 attempts on his life, all arranged for or carried out by his dear wife, Frances, & her lover. Twice she arranged for assailants to beat him over the head with baseball bats. On one occasion she put a tripwire across the basement stairs in their house, hoping that he would trip over it & plummet to his death. Twice she arranged for him to be shot. The first time she drugged his chicken soup so he would sleep soundly and he was shot in the head, but miraculously survived. The second time he was shot in the chest, but only sustained minor injuries. Even more miraculous than Tony's survival was his attitude toward his wife once he found out she was responsible for all of this. Tony said that he held his wife blameless. When she was found guilty & sent to prison for arranging for his murder, he took their 4 children & visited her every week - every single week. Then when she was released from prison, she went back to their red brick home to resume her married life with Tony. With his arm around her, Tony said, "We're more in love now than ever before.Wow! What a man! This is one very rare case, but how many people can live up with this? I am sure a lot of people would have thrown out the woman at the first attempt or probably kill her in the process. What is happening to our homes and marriages today?
From recent study done in the US, about 49% of all marriages end in divorce and you might think the odds of failure of marriages will be much less for couples heavily involved in the church but I am sorry to shock you, it is not so. Ministries today reports the divorce rate up 279% in the last 27years, this is a frightening statistics.
Taking a survey of all ministers in all denominations, 50% of their marriages will end in divorce. An ABC broadcast reports that the divorce rate in the "Bible Belt" is 50% higher than in other areas of the US. The Christian-Based Research Group reported in January 2000, that 21% of atheists and agnostics will or have experienced divorce while 29% denominational Christians and 34% of non-denominational Christians will or have experienced divorce. This is a rebuke to the church! Where are we getting it wrong?
Most marriages are predicated on faulty foundations and marriages with such foundation cannot last. People get into marriage for the wrong reasons for some it is the wealth that will be available at their disposal, others for reasons other than genuine love entrench in God's approval.
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Is your marriage going through a strain? Are you so stressed and worked up that you are already thinking of calling it a quit? Divorce should not be an option, you can work this through. During my counseling sessions, I have asked couples 'what attracted them to each other in the first place and if that object of attraction is still present.'
Most marriages get into murky waters when there is a down shift in the relational disposition of either or both partners. When the gifts stops coming, when the communication becomes brief and formal, when the romantic sparks becomes extinguished... then watch out, you are standing on a divorce bomb waiting to explode.
Let me share with you some secrets that I have shared with my audience. It is embedded in the four-letter word L.O.V.E. I am not saying love by mouth but this is love from the very depth of your soul, it's a connection you must have with your spouse, if anything comes in between this connection then you are on a dangerous path. Let's look at this together:
L - Living for One Another: Living for one another is one of the strong keys to living together till 'death do you path.' It means your spouse becomes the reason for your living. When you live for another it means you are dead to self, it means you are broken. At this stage, it is not about your qualification nor is it about how much money you earn more than your spouse... the moment you begin to see yourself as the more important part of the relationship then you are digging the grave for your marriage. When you live for one another, then you will grow in each other.
O - Open Up to One Another: Secrecy is a silent and gradual terminator of the peace and joy within the home. Many homes have been destroyed as a result of secrets that were believed to have been kept but later came to the fore. Your spouse has the right to know everything; that is why you are married. You owe each other that obligation. Open to one another and you will enjoy the peace that passes all understanding. Many people have held back secrets from their spouses which later inflamed them and their marriage never remained the same again.
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Openness rides on the wings of a healthy communication within the marriage. Couples, if when together are at loose of what to discuss or say to each other are already exhibiting symptoms of 'communication wilt.' Communication must be fun, informal and sincere. Openness is the first defense against external infiltration into your marriage. Be open about everything. Genesis 2:25 says "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed." There is no shame in being open. These should include our finances, sex, relationships and every other area.
V- Value for One Another: Value means worth. When you value your spouse then he/she is worth more than all the valuables of the world put together. A man who values his wife will not treat her as a slave. Learn to appreciate your wife. Treat her as the queen that she is and let her feel that sense of worth. How do you treat your husband? Do you discuss her with your friends and by extension make him a laughing-stock before them. Do you disrespect each other before extended family members? Value means you are sensitive to the needs of your spouse and that you hold each other in high esteem. Do you value your spouse?
E - Encourage One Another: Your spouse should be your first pastor. It is not every problem or misunderstanding you take to the church or your parents. Be the shoulder upon which your spouse can lean on. There is power when you agree on something together. Rather than place curses on each other, make positive declarations of a better life together.
There are women who bathe their husbands with curse and true to their word, the man will never make progress and you cannot expect to have peace in return in such situation, the devil will succeed in turning that home to a battle field. Encourage and pray for another.
The success of one should be the joy and success of another. Don't take your spouse to the threshing floor of the public, when he is ridiculed you will also be humiliated in your home. Make Jesus your focus. Face that challenge together and see God come out strong on your behalf. Your family will be beauty to behold and a reference point in the comity of families. God bless you Big.
Now Listen Carefully-
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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.
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