My Husband Said We Are Too Different: My Husband Keeps Leaving Me Because He Thinks We're Too Different

When your husband first walks out on you, it can feel like an awful abandonment. When he comes back, you can feel a huge sense of relief and you hope that the worst is over. The idea is that you can begin to heal and put this behind you. If that doesn't happen, it's quite disappointing. But it's devastating if he leaves again. And again. It can begin to feel as if he is walking out on you at the slightest hint of any conflict and this can frankly make you question his loyalty and commitment to you.

A wife might explain it this way. "My husband and I have admittedly had a rough time of it lately. My husband found out that right before we got married, my ex boyfriend came and saw me and begged me not to go through with the wedding. We spent a night together talking, going to dinner, and just walking, but nothing sexual happened in the least. At the end of the night, I told my ex that I was still getting married and that I wished him well. My husband seemingly can not moved past the fact that I didn't tell him about this. I regret not telling him, but I didn't want him to make a huge deal of it - the way he is doing now. So that was the first time he walked out on me. And frankly, I understood that one. He came back after a couple of weeks later and said that he wanted to make it work between us. I wanted that too. For about six weeks, every thing was OK. There were days in there when things actually seemed to be back to normal. But then, we got into a disagreement about politics of all things and this escalated into a fight about how we are just different people and he stormed out and walked out me again. A week later, he came back. Again, for a couple of weeks, we tread water in our marriage. Then his mother made a nasty comment about me and I asked my husband why he didn't defend me. He told me that in many ways, he agrees with my mother and that once again, we have different values. So once again, he left our home. At this point, it is obvious that we are in an awful cycle. Every time we fight, he walks out. It's at the point where I'm going to be afraid of having a conversation with him for fear he will get angry and leave. My friend says that I should tell him that he can't come back home if he's only going to walk out again. Is she right?"

Knowing The Risks Associated With This: Telling him he can't come back might be taking a very harsh stand, but I agree with the friend that there are obviously some issues that are not being worked through. Therefore, nothing really changes. Every one is relieved when he comes back home, but both people know that they are on very shaky ground. They know that the ice is thin. They know that they are going to tip toe around each other until a new batch of stress presents itself. And then they risk him leaving again.

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I don't have to tell you that this is no way to conduct your marriage. If things keep going this way, you will never have the sense of security that, no matter what, your husband has your back and you can work through your issues like committed adults. He may well have had a legitimate complaint with the ex boyfriend and that issue appears to be cropping up under the guise of the whole "we are not compatible issue."

The Same Issue Could Be Coming Up Repeatedly Under The Guise Of Something Else: It's quite possible that he is leaving and giving you this "we're two different people" line in the hopes that you will say or do something to convince him that in fact, you are compatible and that you feel that the two of you are so good a fit that you are not sorry that you chose him rather than your ex. He's not coming out and saying this with his words, but he is saying this with his actions.

Still, his actions are extremely damaging and this is a cycle that needs to be stopped. Obviously he has doubts about ending the marriage because he keeps coming back. But nothing ever changes. So I would suggest a dialog and hopefully more actions that address the core problem.

I'd suggest something like: "you know that I welcome you coming home. You know that I want you back home. But I just need to say that I think we have a much larger issue here. We keep fighting over things that don't really matter. I suspect that we never worked through the issue that happened right before our marriage. I would like if we could go to counseling or work very hard together in order to move past this once and for all. It was bad enough that this hurt our marriage once. But it is continuing to hurt it over and over again every time you leave. We can't go on like this. I want to welcome you home, but before I do this, I want your word that we will work through our problems once and for all and that, should they crop up again, we will sit down like committed adults rather than you leaving again. Can you agree to that?"

Hopefully, he will see that you are sincere. He needs to know that you really and truly have chosen him and not the other man. When he feels more secure, I suspect that he will be less tempted to leave at the first sign of trouble. Because learning to stay put and work through your problems is a very necessary skill in navigating a healthy relationship.

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What value, benefit, and blessing does your spouse gain from being with you? What is it that you bring to your spouse that really augments, enhances, and improves their life? What do you offer your spouse that is significant and meaningful to them?

What about the other way around...

What value, benefit, and blessing do you gain from being with your spouse?

How does your spouse augment, enhance, and improve your life?

What does your spouse share with you that's significant and meaningful to you?

Sadly, for too many people, their marriage relationship is really nothing more than a "boarding arrangement"...two humans helping each other survive...two people pooling their resources and splitting costs...two friends helping each other with chores and responsibilities...two roommates filling in or standing in for each other when needed.

And, while it is good to have someone standing with you in this manner, it is not enough to satisfy and fulfill a person. If it was, people would just continue living with their brothers and sisters or they would continue to "dorm" with their guy friends or gal friends.

But, it is not enough...people want more...they thought they were getting more when they married...and too often, they end up with nothing more...sometimes even less...than what they had before they married.

How and why does this happen more often than not?

It happens BECAUSE of how each person RELATES to the other. Too frequently, the way people RELATE is based on:

1. Ignorance - primarily, this is a lack of understanding about the opposite sex but it can also be other forms of ignorance such as poor people skills.

2. Selfishness - where a person cares only about their self and their interests, projects, and happiness.

3. Insecurity - fear that causes a person to shut-down and close-up which distances them from their companion.

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4. Entitlement - the belief that my spouse should just give me whatever I want with little to no effort or contribution on my part.

5. Laziness - the knowledge that one should and could relate to their spouse in a better way but lacking the desire or motivation to do so.

Without fail, these kinds of RELATING will assuredly drain the very life out of a relationship...draining it of respect, appreciation, attraction, honor, adventure, passion, and fun...leaving people in the "boarding arrangement" that is so unfulfilling and unsatisfying to them.

Soon, bitterness, resentment, and anger begin to build because people feel stuck and trapped. They have children and other long-term obligations and responsibilities that ethically and morally "locks" them into their "boarding arrangement".

But, how come so many people can't seem to fix their marriage relationship?

They can't because they are so actively engaged in pride, ego, stubbornness, resentment, anger, bitterness, hatred, and other negative-emotions that it's easier for them to either distance themselves from their spouse and "live" in an imaginary / pretend / fantasy world...or to step out and seek affection, intimacy, sex, fun, and adventure with an outside person.

What many people don't realize is that there are easy ways to "save face" and let go of pride, ego, and negative-emotions so that a person can do the "right thing" and create the happy, satisfying, fulfilling marriage relationship of their dreams with the spouse they already have.

Having said that, some people don't want to have the relationship of their dreams with their current spouse. They WANT it to be ANOTHER person. Well, that's the pride, ego, and negative-emotions that's driving that kind of response. And, here's what such a person should know: your unhappiness is INSIDE of you and will REMAIN WITH matter who the other person in your life is. Your unhappiness will continue wreaking havoc in YOUR life UNTIL you learn how to rise above pride, ego, and negative-emotions.

Actually, your situation will only get worse for you because each new person you move to will only ADD TO the unhappiness that's inside of you.

So, a person must learn to conquer the pride, ego, and negative emotions that block them from the satisfying, fulfilling marriage they so want...they must learn how to relate with their spouse in a way that produces the marriage satisfaction and fulfillment they so strongly desire...they must get the deep-level insight into their spouse...such that with this knowledge (versus ignorance) their marriage relationship is forevermore more satisfying and fulfilling.

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Do you remember the early days of your relationship with your spouse when you two just couldn't get enough of each other? The dynamic of most marriages changes over time when the couple has to start dealing with the stresses of every day life. Things like chasing after children, pursuing your career and just keeping up with the bills can take its toll on your intimacy. If you miss your spouse in a sexual sense, you need to change that. Couples can revamp their sex life so they don't have to continually live in a marriage without intimacy. If you want your spouse to desire you just as much as they did on the first day you met, there are things you need to start doing now.

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One important thing you must always remember if you are living in a marriage without intimacy is to not place blame. If your spouse feels attacked and senses that you resent them for the lack of sex in the marriage, they'll likely pull back even more. You need to always remain understanding and supportive. You should take whatever steps are necessary to encourage your spouse to talk about anything that is bothering them. Quite often what happens is that an underlying conflict within the relationship causes one partner to shut themselves off. For many people it's almost impossible to be physically close with the person they are married to if they are arguing with them over something. Try and work out any struggles you two are facing. Compromise is key to doing this.

Your time as a couple has to be viewed as important and not just a luxury. When children come into the picture, the couple often morphs into parents leaving their roles of lovers behind. Your relationship with your spouse is still the most important one there is. You don't want to lose the connection you two share when you have children because once they are grown and have moved on the pursue their own lives, you'll find yourself living with a stranger. Make time each and every week for one another. Whether it's going out to a movie, or staying in and talking after the children have gone to bed. You need to view that time as instrumental in keeping the marriage strong and alive. So much of intimacy doesn't happen behind the bedroom doors. Just talking while holding hands or going to a movie and sharing popcorn while laughing can strength a couple's commitment to one another. Once your spouse feels close to you again, physically intimacy will become much more desirable and natural.

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Married couples after years of being together tend to ignore the relationship and begin to treat the relationship as just a routine. The relationship becomes decayed, dull and lifeless. They seem to forget that they still need romance and add spice to their relationship to strengthen their relationship as years go by. Dating your spouse should not be a forgotten event in your relationship. Creative dating is one way to bond with each other.

Dating your spouse needs creative thinking. Of course as a couple you have to consider your budget especially if you have kids to support but it doesn't mean you cannot have decent dates together. There are inexpensive dates that you two can enjoy. What is important is that you find something that you can do together and enjoy at the same time. Here are some inexpensive dates you can do with your spouse:

Enjoy the beauty of nature. Enjoying the nature is a gift that the two of you can enjoy. Dating your spouse to walk along the beach or visit a bird park and feed the birds while talking and remembering the things you both enjoy is fun. It is nice to enjoy the beauty of nature and take a day off from house hold chores once in while and enjoy each other's company.

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Free Treats. Check your local newspaper for free or discounted concerts. If you both love to listen to good music, dating your spouse to watch a free concert is a nice way to spend time together for free and have fun at the same time.

Physical activities. If you are both athletic and you both need some exercise activities, it is nice to do it together once in a while. Although men love to do it with other men, there is nothing wrong dating your spouse to play tennis, exercise, jog or walk around the block together once in a while. This is not only good for your health but it will strengthen your relationship.

Discovering and learning new things. It is nice to learn new skills and new things with your spouse. This will create new memories with your spouse. For instance, you can both learn to cook a new menu, learn magic tricks together, prune bonsai etc. You can even look for free trainings or classes on things or hobbies that you both enjoy. Doing new things together is fun and an exciting way in dating your spouse.

Visit museums. If you both love to spend some quiet time together, visit a museum in your area. Dating your spouse to visit museums is affordable and you both can spend quality time together. Museums do offer treats and free entrance too.

There are countless inexpensive creative ideas in dating your spouse. You need to give time to bond with your spouse to preserve and nourish your relationship for a lasting marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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