My Husband Yells At Me For Little Things: Husband Always Yelling And Putting Me Down

In any serious relationship we always hope it will last a long time if not forever. If life were simple then chances are it probably would. But with the stresses and strains of modern life relationships no matter how strong they appear to be can take a real battering.

So how do we keep a loving marriage or partnership together in the midst of recessions and a society that is more me orientated?

We do it with love and understanding and a lot of listening and compassion. I see so many couples battling over the smallest of things all because they want things their own way. The word COMPROMISE is like a foreign language to partners like this. They argue about almost everything and throw digs at each other constantly. Some of these relationships can go on for years until one partner in their infinite wisdom finally realizes there is a life better than fighting.

They put each other down and spend quality time points scoring over which of them was able to get the most insults in. If you are not in a relationship like this you probably know some people who are and when you visit them come away exhausted by their constant bantering. Their insistence at you taking sides is even harder to bear as you can end up falling out with one of them as you try to play the diplomat.

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If you personally are reading this article and recognize yourself as one part of a couple who are like this I suggest you rethink the whole thing. Often one partner gets totally worn down and then the other initiates a form of control. When it gets to this point something serious has to happen as the partner under the thumb is destined for a life of sheer misery.

Before it gets to this point sit down with your partner and tell them you are tired of fighting and want it to stop. In some cases you will find your mate has had enough as well. This is great if you can make this happen but fighting is habitual and you will both slip while you are trying to quit. Some couples will not know what to say to each other as quarrelling is all they know. They may even be embarrassed because they have not been able to talk open and honestly about their true feelings.

It may take a good counselor to sort through the surface stuff and get to the real issues that lie beneath but you can start by calling a halt to this negative behavior yourself. If your partner is reluctant to change you might want to think about your options, as a life of bickering with someone you love is not healthy especially if you have children. There is always help out there and some fantastic people with techniques that can turn even the worst of marriages around.

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Have you ever related to your spouse/partner in a totally non-defensive, emotionally open way?

If you have, in that moment you and your spouse/partner were vulnerable and receptive to each other's emotional needs/experiences. To do this, you were able to free yourself from the emotional blocks that so many men struggle with-you were unencumbered by the stereotypes and preconceived notions about masculinity that stand in the way of an authentic emotional connection.

During moments of deep emotional intimacy there is no pretense or ego at work.

Unfortunately, these non-defensive moments of connection don't last. Like so many couples, you may cycle from patterns of emotional connection with your spouse/partner, to periods of disconnection (not necessarily total disconnection-think of connection and disconnection as running along a continuum).

Why is emotional intimacy so difficult for men to achieve and maintain?

Are men trapped in an emotional straitjacket, unable to maintain a level of intimacy required by the marital and relationship standards of the twenty-first century?

There is no easy answer to these questions-parts of this complex puzzle include genetics, developmental influences, family and culture.

The kind of intimacy desired by women (wanting men to talk more, express themselves and share feelings) often conflict with our masculine ideals. Requests for greater intimacy require that men experiment with new ways of being and relating-in order to achieve this, we may need to rethink our definition of what it means to be a man (the strong, silent type is clearly outdated).

In my work as a psychologist and couples counselor, I've seen firsthand how men can steer the course of their relationship destiny in a positive way. To achieve this takes ongoing vigilance and work.

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Relationship Help: What's Needed for Intimacy?

For intimacy to flourish, men need to learn how to experience (and tolerate) "softer" feelings, including feelings of helplessness.

Men often feel helpless when we see our wives/girlfriends upset about something and any feeling of helplessness tends to drive us into problem-solving mode, an approach that ends up frustrating our spouse/partner (in these instances problem-solving invalidates the other person's emotional experience).
Experiencing a wider range of emotions (which includes feelings of sadness, longing, helplessness) means having the feeling without reacting in any way-without trying to immediately eradicate the feeling by fixing the situation through some form of action.

Often when men start to have these softer emotions, we react against them (because they conflict with and threaten our stoic sensibility) by becoming frustrated or angry. In order to learn how to tolerate and then fully experience these emotions, we need to literally sit with these feelings. The challenge is to become mindful of them (and how they affect our bodies), to relax our bodies (rather than tense up) and to breathe into these uncomfortable experiences.

And ultimately, we need to observe these feelings without judgment!

Today marriages and committed relationships require men to be emotionally available and supportive in ways that challenge what we've learned and internalized from our male role models. Many of the traits acquired in our childhoods (and our culture) are often restrictive and smothering and prevent meaningful intimacy. The challenge for men is to discover ways to hold onto the traits of masculinity that we value, while removing (or at least marginalizing) the traits that erode the intimacy we all desire.

To be in a healthy marriage/relationship you must work to understand how the traditional versions of masculinity prevent you from being a considerate, compassionate and emotionally available partner without it feeling like you are required to abandon your entire identity as a man. Let's consider this a work in progress.

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Right now we are all living in a fast paced changing world. The stresses of daily living are demanding and it is easy to put "taking care of self" on the back burner. Life can feel like one is on a constant treadmill being pulled in many directions. The key to insuring success in work and personal relationships is to be centered within oneself. These tips show you ways for regaining control over your life.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Make Time for Yourself

Your mindset lays the foundation for how you will care for yourself. If you see yourself mainly as having to meet the deadlines and demands of others you will end up feeling out of control. Give yourself permission to re-center your life. How do you want to live? When do you feel taken advantage of? You alone can decide what is right for you and what you are able to do. Set a few minutes a day aside to think about what would help you to get centered and feel i n charge of your life.

2. Create Order - Structure Simplifies Life

You will find that by organizing your surroundings you will start feeling lighter. Start out by making one little adjustment each day and before long you will feel more in control of your life. Have a regular time for eating and going to bed and getting up. Pay attention to how much time you are spending watching TV which can become a time robber. Use a calendar to keep track of appointments.

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3. Re-focus on Taking Care of Yourself

Find ways to create energy for yourself. In order to be fully engaged in life you have to be energized. Some ways of creating energy are by eating healthfully, exercising regularly, being intellectually engaged, having friends, and being involved in the community.

4. Cultivate a Positive Attitude

We all have control over our attitude. It is not something that is predetermined by genetics and the environment. You can take control of your attitude. You may have to unlearn some habits which do not serve you well. For instance, if you are used to putting yourself down and measuring yourself against others you may want to rethink that. It is your job to treat yourself as your own best friend.

By refocusing on caring for yourself you will start to feel more in control of your life and the direction it is taking. The main thing is to do things consistently and before long you will feel lighter and happier and have vibrant relationships.

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I once heard that in an average day, women speak 5 times as many words as men do. I don't know the source, but there will be a lot of men out there who would agree with me.

Does this problem sound typical to you?

The woman tries to "get through" to the man. The man stonewalls and blocks the woman off. He doesn't want to hear what she has to say. It seems like he doesn't care about their relationship.

If there's anything that's important about you understanding men, it's that we like being spoken to, but not "over-spoken" to. If you say something to us once, unless we ask you to repeat it, you can assume that we've heard it. If you tell us over and over, that communicates to us that you think that we're ignoring you, when we really are putting effort into doing what you ask us to do.

The woman cares a lot about the relationship. That's the only reason that she would be so vocal towards her man. The man doesn't see much problem with the relationship; he thinks that she's making a big issue out of the whole thing.

Us guys are just like that. We're stubborn and think we know everything. We know we don't, but the pride that we're right is more important than actually being right.

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We hear what you're trying to say, so it does get slightly annoying when you go ahead and say it again over and over.

If we're not listening to you, it's understandable if you have to tell us again and again, but if we're doing what we can and you're simply not recognizing that, then you're simply blowing hot air.

Us guys respect you ladies a lot. If you respect our desire for peace and quiet, we'll make sure whatever it is you want us to do gets done. We might even - god forbid - start a conversation with you!

We just figure that if you're doing most of the talking, then we don't have to talk so much then, now do we? I'm not trying to be a smart aleck, but when my married friends talk to me about their communication problems, the single most recurrent issue is that the man doesn't seem to be listening to his wife, when really it's the wife assuming that the man isn't listening to her if he doesn't appear to be responding.

Understanding men and why we don't appear to be listening is an issue that really gets blown out of proportion. Remember ladies, say it once, make sure we've heard it and leave it at that. Anymore and we see it as a loss of respect for us.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Author's Bio: 

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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