Although someone will have needs, it doesn’t mean that they will have a good connection with them. In general, they could be out of touch with a number of their needs and therefore it will be normal for them to neglect themselves.

But, as this is taking place without them being aware of what is going on, they won’t be able to change their life. They will continue to behave in the same way and deprive themselves of what they need.

Running On Empty

Like a car that is not getting what it needs to run at its best; they won’t receive what they need to perform at their best. This can mean that they will often feel low and deeply frustrated.

But, as they won’t be aware of what is going on, it won’t be possible for them to join the dots, so to speak. So, as bleak as their life will be they can just tolerate what is going on and do their best to keep going.

Their Experience

They could typically act as though they are an extension of others and rarely express or assert themselves. This can be something that automatically takes place as opposed to something that they choose to do.

This is going to mean that they will generally be a non-entity and who they are really are will seldom see the light of day. But, while they are not going to be happy deep down, they could largely come across as happy.

One Area

When they spend time with their friends, they could typically act submissive and go along with whatever they want to do. Some of the people in their life could be fairly self-centred and be happy to have someone there who is focused on them.

Yet, even if they are not spending time with a friend who is like this, they are still unlikely to express their needs. Consequently, most if not all of their relationships are unlikely to be very satisfying.

One Area

When it comes to what they do for a living, they may have a job that is soul-destroying; with it not giving them much apart from enough money to live. If they do something that they enjoy, they might not have been able to get very far.

It could be as if they are being held back by someone or something out there. They could wonder why the people around them have been able to make progress and they haven’t, which could cause them to feel like a victim.

Stepping Back

Based on how they life their life, what is clear is that they don’t have a good connection to their needs and they don’t feel comfortable expressing them either. Thus, even if they were to connect to them, it is unlikely that their life would change.

However, as they are not aware of what is going on, it is to be expected that what is going on externally will be seen as the issue. What this will illustrate is that a part of their own being is undermining them.


If they were to hear this, they could struggle to understand what is going on and find it hard to accept that this would be the case. They won’t be happy with what is going on and will want their life to change, so this is not a surprise.

Still, what they will need to keep in mind at this point is that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind. Along with this part of their being, they also have an unconscious mind.

One Goal

This part of them won’t want them to express their needs and this is because hiding them is likely to be seen as the only way for them to survive. It is then not that this part of them is trying to screw their life up; it is simply trying to protect them.

To understand why this part of them would believe that they can only survive by hiding their need, it will be necessary to take a closer look at what took place during their early years. This may have been a time when they were neglected and missed out on the nutrients that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Way Back

From the moment they were born, they may have been left and when they were given attention, it may have typically been misattuned care. At this stage of their life, crying was how they would have expressed a need.

By being left, they would have experienced a lot of pain, felt overwhelmed and ended up going into a shut down, collapsed and frozen state. Being aware of their needs would have been too painful and expressing them would have been seen as something that would cause them to be left, even though they would have been left due to what was going on for their caregiver.

The Message

What they would have learned, by not having a caregiver who was able to truly be there for them, was that they needed to not be seen or heard. Losing touch with their needs and not needing anything would have been seen as what would allow them to survive.

Now, many, many years will have passed but a big part of them will still believe that to survive, they need to continue to be a non-entity and to not need anything or to grow and expand. Due to what they went through, they are likely to be carrying a lot of pain and this pain will need to be worked through for them to truly put the past behind them.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author of 25 books, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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