In general, someone could come across as though they are needless and this could take place without them being consciously aware of it. Therefore, they won’t choose to hide their needs from others, this will just be what typically happens.

What this is also likely to mean is that they will seldom be aware of their own needs. So, not only will their needs largely be a mystery to others they will also largely be a mystery to themselves.


If they were to connect to a need, they could soon do what they can to distract themselves and end up losing touch with it. Once again, this can be something that automatically takes place.

With this in mind, it will be clear that they don’t have a very healthy relationship with their own needs. Thanks to this, they are going to be depriving themselves of a lot of things that they need to be able to thrive.

An Unpleasant Time

If this doesn’t happen and they tried to meet a need, they could end up being rejected or ignored. Due to this, they could end up experiencing a lot of pain and end up going back to how they were before.

This could be a time when they will feel ashamed, helpless, and powerless and experience a deep sense of sadness. Their body could also feel very heavy and they could end up feeling very low.

The Only Option

What they will conclude from this experience, as well as every other experience like it, is that it is not possible for them to meet a number of their needs. Consequently, they will just have to put up with what is going on and hope that it will change.

If ever certain needs do enter their conscious awareness, then, they will need to suppress them. Not doing this will remind them of the needs that they are unable to fulfil and this will be a painful realisation.

A Miserable Existence

Instead of them knowing that there will be times when certain needs will be met and times when they won’t, they simply won’t believe that they will ever be met. Or if they are met, it will be something that rarely takes place.

As a result of this, certain needs can be seen as a burden and they could believe that their life would be so much better without them. Doing what they can to cover certain needs up won’t allow them to completely remove them, but it will be the next best thing.

A Strange Scenario

At this point, it can seem strange as to why they don’t feel comfortable with or expressing their needs. After all, having needs is simply part of the human experience and thus this shouldn’t be such a challenge.

Until they are able to feel comfortable being in touch with their needs and express them, they are not going to be able to truly thrive. This comes down to the fact that they are, like everyone else, an interdependent human being.

Waking Up

In order for their life to change, they might need to get to the point where they can no longer tolerate living life in this way. Once they have got to this point, the point of no return, they could end up looking for answers.

At first, they could end up looking for a way to fulfil their needs without being rejected. But, taking into account how much pain they will have experienced up until this point, this is to be expected.

Another Route

Alternatively, they could look into why they are this way; why they don’t have a healthy relationship with their needs. By looking into this, they could end up being told that it is due to what took place during their early years.

After hearing this, they could wonder how this stage of their life has played a part, which could show that their brain has blocked out most of what took place. This will have automatically taken place to protect them.

A Key Period

There is a strong chance that this was a time when their developmental needs were rarely if ever met. Practically from the moment they were born, they may have been left and when they were given attention, it is likely to have been missatuned care.

Being left and not given what they needed would have deeply traumatised them. It would have been too much for their underdeveloped brain and nervous system to handle and their only option was to automatically repress how they felt, to disconnect from themselves and to go into a shut down, frozen state.

A Brutal Time

Having needs at this stage of their life would have caused them to suffer greatly; whereas if they didn’t have needs, it wouldn’t have mattered if they were left and given the wrong type of care. As they couldn’t change what was going on or leave due to being powerless and totally dependent, they were forced to lose touch with themselves.

They needed a caregiver who would adapt to them; they were not in a position to adapt to their caregiver. Yet they had to adapt to survive and although they are still alive, they will be carrying a lot of pain and this pain will have been re-experienced throughout their adult life.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

A bit part of what will allow them to move forward will be for them to work through the layers of pain that are inside them. This is not something that will happen overnight, though; it will take endless patience and persistence.

Author's Bio: 

Author of 25 books, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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