Now that someone is in a relationship, it may occur to them that how they have behaved for so long is not serving them. The reason for this is that for as long as they can remember, they may have tried to do just about everything by themselves and rarely expressed their feelings.

They will show that they live as though they are their own island and have no need for anyone else. For a big part of their life, this may have even been something that they were quite proud of and perhaps looked down on those who needed others.

It Worked

Living in this way will have allowed them to meet certain needs, while other needs would have ended up being overlooked. So, they might have been able to stand on their own two feet and had the money that they needed to survive, if not thrive, for instance.

Yet, when it comes to their emotional needs, most if not all of these are likely to have been unmet. This might not have typically stood out, though, as these needs might have generally been outside of their conscious awareness.

A Different Experience

By being in a relationship, however, it might be necessary for them to open up about how they feel. This is because they could be with someone who opens up about how they feel and wants to connect deeply with them and not just have a surface-level relationship.

If so, this will show that they have been drawn to someone who is partly, if not fully connected to how they feel. Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that they will just be able to connect to and share how they feel.

Another Part

Along with this, it is likely to also be necessary for them to share their needs. Yet, just as with their feelings, they might find it hard to connect to and express their needs.

In both cases, they may find that they prefer to keep both their needs and feelings to themselves. They are then going to have two challenges when it comes to developing a deeper connection with their partner: connecting to and revealing what is taking place inside them.


One on hand, this is likely to be what they want to experience, and, on the other, they can find that there is resistance when it comes to them being more relational and opening up. Due to this, they could feel frustrated and angry, and even end up blaming themselves for how they are.

Furthermore, they could feel the need to step back and create distance between themselves and their partner. Ultimately, they will be an interdependent human being but they won’t feel comfortable acting like one.


At this point, they might wonder why they are this way and why being in a relationship is such a challenge. They might even believe that this area of their life should flow and shouldn’t be so hard.

They could think about the people in their life who are in a relationship and don’t appear to have any problems and see them as being different to them. It could then be as if there is something inherently wrong with them.

Closer Look

If they have been super independent for as long as they can remember and have a weak connection to their feelings and a number of the needs, there is a strong chance that they are this way due to what took place during their formative years. This will mean that they didn’t choose to be this way and there is nothing inherently wrong with them.

There is the chance that if they didn’t become this way during their early years, they might not be alive. This stage of their life is likely to have been anything but nurturing, with them being neglected and harmed in one or a number of ways.

Back In Time

Having parents who were unable to provide them with the love, care and protection that they needed would have stopped them from being able to develop in the right way. Instead of seeing their parents as people who were safe and could be trusted, they would have seen them as a threat to their very survival.

This would have stopped them from being able to form a healthy attachment and caused them to keep most of their needs and feelings to themselves. Also, thanks to the pain that they would have experienced by being left and harmed, they would have ended up disconnecting from their body and thus, lost touch with most of their needs and feelings.

A Natural Outcome

Taking this into account, it is not much of a surprise that they ended up how they are as an adult. A time in their life when they were totally powerless and dependent and needed to form a strong attachment to their parents was a time when they were deeply traumatised.

How it was with their parents would then have created an inner template of how it would be with every other human being; the particular would have become the general. Many, many years will have passed since that stage of their life but, deep down, every human being will still be seen as a threat.

It’s over

What this period of their life would have also done is caused them to believe that their feelings, needs and themselves are bad. Revealing how they feel and their needs is then going to be seen as something that will cause them harmed and/or rejected and abandoned.

Naturally, this is going to play a big part in why it is so hard for them to surrender, let down their guard and be vulnerable. A big part of what will allow them to truly put what took place behind them and open up will be for them to work through the pain and arousal that is held inside their brain and body.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author of 25 books, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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