After someone’s relationship has come to an end, they could experience a number of different feelings. So, they could have moments when they feel angry and moments when they feel very sad.

At other moments, they could feel very little, with them being in an emotionally shut down state. And, although this will be a time when they feel flat, it will give them a break from the intense feelings that they usually experience.

A Survival Mechanism

Ultimately, this will be a way for their brain to stop them from being overwhelmed, and thereby, make it easier for them to keep it together and function. The downside, of course, is that it will be as if they are watching life from the outside.

However, providing that they face how they feel and don’t run away from what is going on for them, they should spend less time in a disconnected state and more time being in tune with how they feel. This will then allow them to be on the inside more often and make it easier for them to embrace life.

Another Element

Along with what is going on for them, they could spend a lot of time thinking about their ex. This could be something that they spend more time doing when they are connected to how they feel.

Naturally, by being in touch with how they feel, their mind will start to think about their ex as no longer being with them will have played a big part in why they feel the way that they do. If, on the other hand, they were still with them, they are likely to experience different feelings.

One Outlook

When they think about their ex, they could primarily think about the good moments that they shared. If so, this can also be a way for them to keep their real feelings at bay as the good feelings that they experience, by remembering these moments, will allow them to avoid how they feel.

If they were to also think about the moments that were not so good, this could be a time when they will feel angry and resentful. These feelings can allow them to feel strong and powerful and avoid feeling hopeless and helpless, for instance.

A Balanced View

Still, what this will illustrate is that they are able to see that their relationship had both good and bad moments, and perhaps many moments that were simply neutral. Furthermore, they may see that their ex had certain traits that they liked more than others.

If so, they won’t see their ex as being a god or goddess but they also won’t see them as being worthless and unlovable. They will merely be a human being who was doing the best that they could with what they knew.

No Different

Likewise, they could also see that they behaved in ways that were healthy and ways that were not. They will then know that they are not perfect but at the same time, they are also not worthless and unlovable and will be aware of what they need to do to have a more harmonious relationship.

What this will demonstrate is that they have a good level of self-awareness and self-love. The former will allow them to see what they need to work on and the latter will allow them to acknowledge and work on their weakness without them feeling like a failure or beating themselves up.

Another Experience

Then again, now that their relationship has come to an end, they could believe that their ex was a bad person and is essentially less than human. Subsequently, they could spend a lot of time thinking about all the bad traits that they had and the ways that they undermined them.

Not only this, but they could spend a lot of time telling their friends and perhaps family about how bad this person was. Based on how they behave, then, it will be as if they are the good one and their ex was the bad one.

A Strange Scenario

Perhaps their ex was a somewhat or a very toxic person, but, at the same time, they could be making their ex out to be someone that they are not. If their ex is nothing like how they are making them out to be, this is likely to show that this is a way for them to avoid how they feel.

If they were to see their ex in a more balanced way, it might cause them to come into contact with painful feelings. As a result, they could end up feeling worthless and unlovable and very low.


By unconsciously projecting their uncomfortable feelings into their ex, it will allow them to keep their feelings at bay and to feel better about themselves. If they were aware of what was taking place, this defence mechanism wouldn’t work.

As they are unable to handle these painful feelings, it is likely to show that they don’t have a felt sense of worth or lovability. Therefore, they won’t just happen to lack self-awareness; this will be something that they have unconsciously chosen not to develop in order to stop themselves from becoming aware of the parts of themselves that are painful and threaten their sense of self.

The Solution

For them to have a more balanced view of themselves and their ex, it will be imperative for them to face how they feel. The feelings that they are doing their best to avoid could largely be a consequence of what took place during their formative years.

Throughout his stage of their life, they may have been treated as though they were worthless and unlovable. As they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and perhaps ended up creating a disconnected and inflated false self.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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