Resolving Conflicts - Match the Intensity!

A Chairperson’s worst nightmare! n nRecently, I attended a Board Meeting that got out of control. After only a few minutes, there was tension in the air. Some of the directors openly disagreed with one another. One man huffed and puffed his displeasure, while another woman rolled her eyes and dismissed her colleagues’ ideas with snide comments. As I glanced around the room, I noticed a man who was getting visibly angry: He was scowling and his face was turning red. Finally he stood up and yelled, “I’M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS! NO ONE HAS LISTENED TO A THING I’VE SAID!”n nEven though the chairperson was surprised by the outburst, he did his best to defuse the situation. In a low, steady voice, he said, “Bill, calm down. There’s no need to talk like that. Everyone’s opinion matters.” Unfortunately, “Bill” didn’t calm down; in fact, he began to yell even louder. n nCertainly the chairperson needed some coaching on how to run a meeting, but my question is this, what could the chairperson have done to defuse the situation?n nMy advice? In emotionally charged situations, the best thing to do is Match the Intensity. In other words, show the angry person that you’re taking them seriously by your tone and volume. Telling an angry person to “calm down” is the worst thing to do. It just makes them angrier. n nLet me explain how to Match the Intensity. Here’s a possible response to Bill’s outburst:n n“BILL, YOU’RE REALLY UPSET! And, I want to hear your ideas.”n nNotice the response is simple and direct. It acknowledges Bill’s anger (you’re upset) and addresses his complaint (no one’s listening to him). n nWhen I say, match the intensity, I mean, MATCH THE INTENSITY. The first sentence needs to be said at the same decibel level as the outburst, but minus the anger. After the first sentence is said, then gradually lower the volume. What you’ll notice is that the angry person will also begin to lower their level, following your lead. n nThis is not easy to do though for many reasons. Many professionals have been told it’s not “professional” to raise your voice. Recently, in one of my seminars, after explaining how to match the intensity, I asked for a volunteer. It took the volunteer three attempts to raise his voice and the match the intensity in a mock situation! In real life, we don’t get three tries. n nSo, practice some of these skills before you’re confronted with an angry colleague or customer. Remember to: n · Match the intensityn · Validate feelingsn · Address the complaintn nThere are other skills needed to resolve conflicts, but matching the intensity is the best place to start. I hope this helps you and your team work better together!nDr. Mark DeVolder