Surviving Abuse and the Long Term effects of Eating Disorders

Surviving Abuse and The Long Term Effects of Eating Disorders
From the Prospective of a Very Grateful Survivor
Index
Chapter 1- Gratefully, I’m Still Here
Chapter 2- The Gallery of Eating Disorders
Chapter 3- Medical Delights to Come
Chapter 4- It Is Your Choice
Chapter 5- Find Peace Within

Chapter 1- Gratefully, I’m Still Here
Hello to all my brothers and sisters in our collective human family. I’m tamiel and I’m a bulimic. Everyday when I awaken, I thank our Creator for another day. I know that I’m on bonus time. I have dealt with the effects of this disease for the last 45 years of my life. I’m 53 now and still have a difficult time with the disease when I am stressed. I am in control of the disease most of the time. I can not eat whatever I want too. I know not to eat any foods that I have had problems with. I eat very little meat. I enjoy all seafood; but can not eat it fried. I eat mostly fresh fruit and veggies. I’ve had this disease since I was seven years old. My biological Dad was an abuser. He started molesting me before my third birthday. He threatened my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters if I told anyone about our “special time” together.

My Dad beat up our Mom on a regular basis. Before he died, he had sexually abused both of his daughters. I was the eldest child of four children. My brother blew his brains out before he was nineteen years old.
Bulimia was not even a recognized disease in those days. Besides, my dad was considered a pillar of the community. Every adult I confided in told me that I was an awful, horrible child to accuse such a wonderful man of such heinous behavior. I only told two adults and with the response I got; I knew I had to find another way to stay safe. Bulimia was my choice; It was a way to keep my Dad away. I discovered accidently that illness was a way to keep Dad away. I was attacked by my cousin’s German shepherd while we were visiting my Uncle’s farm. The dog split my head and sinus canals open. It took at least 400 stitches to sew up my head and several hundred more to sew up my sinuses. We were in a small town in north Louisiana and at that time they used something called cat gut to sew me up. Dad stayed away and did not bother me even when mom was gone for two months. We lived in a large city; so the first thing that happened when I got back home was a visit to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. He took out all of the stitches and replaced them with newer material. Bulimia seemed to be something I could control and keep dad away at the same time. I never thought it would be my companion for the rest of my life. I never thought that I would live this long. I had decided by the time I was seven years old that I was ready to die and leave the abuse, fear, and pain of this world permanently.

Thankfully, our Mother/ Father God had other plans for me. Each time I would plan an escape from this planet; I would emerge alive and usually with no more than some bumps and bruises to show for my adventures. I spent at least a week in the hospital every several months re-hydrating from the eating disorders and alcoholic behaviors I had developed . I had my first full bar in the clothes closet I shared with my younger sister. My beautiful baby sister is seven years younger than I am. She is one of my best friends at this stage of our lives. As she watched me build a safe space; I prayed she would never need to use it. This closet was large enough to make a safe spot, a space built carefully behind the wall of our shared closet. Mom was a packrat so their were boxes of books and items our mom deemed important enough to be saved in boxes. I made the space just large enough for a blanket bed with books and even a small light . It was my way to avoid what my dad called “our special time”. Even though my sister was still very, very young- she never betrayed me while I hid out when Mom was gone.

My Dad was an amazing man; this is a sickness that I do not believe humans can overcome in a lifetime. It is my personal belief that those who prey on children can not be healed or medicated and should be kept for the rest of their lives with others of their kind away from children.
It made life hard for the four of us. As the oldest child; I did my best to keep my siblings safe. It worked until I left home the first time. I never knew he had continued his predatory illness with my baby sister until after he died. He had all of us so terrorized with his threats to my mother that if she tried to divorce or leave him – He would kill us all one at a time. He said he would save Mom until last; so she could watch us die. He was so violent regularly we all knew he could do it. The foster care system was not any better. I had several friends who were sexually abused by either one or both of their foster parents.

Chapter 2- The Gallery of Eating Disorders

In the 1960’s and the early 1970’s eating disorders had not even been diagnosed or labeled. This left me alone with my illness. I spent weeks in the hospital to rehydrate.
The terms anorexia nervosa , bulimia nervosa, and Binge Eating Disorder did not exist while I was growing up. I did meet several other young women in the same condition as I was. They have all passed away; most in their early twenties. Anorexia and Bulimia can kill as patients rarely seek help and usually have all of the other eating disorders as well. By my tenth birthday ; I suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder which is another room in my private “Hell”. For me , the hospital was a safe haven and I got my best uninterrupted sleep in hospitals.
Mom was not stupid. She found solace in every organization that appreciated her hard work; so she was gone several hours for several days each week. As soon as her vehicle was out of the driveway – he started hunting me. I was already hiding if possible in the closet afraid of what I knew would happen to me if I was found.

Those dealing with eating disorders today – who will seek help actually have a better chance of winning this battle. Relaxation techniques such as bio-feedback and total brain integration are popular and available. Most insurance plans will pay for these therapies. The men and women, the boys and girls who have eating disorders are usually very intelligent individuals with Type A personalities. They would never be considered as a candidates for these deadly diseases. Most patients of eating disorders look just like every one else. There are several markers to look out for if you think someone you love is living with an eating disorder. Those might include immediate absence after a meal to the bathroom to binge, or the total avoidance of food. Some play with the food on their plates. They simply stir it around and never eat more than a bite or too.

Anorexia nervosa patients starve themselves and the disease does not show up physically at first. All those with eating disorders have low to no self esteem. All have distorted unhealthy body images and views of their physical bodies. With bulimics' and those with Binge Eating Disorder are less difficult to see the warning signs.
Bulimics will disappear within 15 minutes after a meal with an excuse to go to the bathroom to purge ; they force themselves to vomit all within their stomachs. They do not usually learn until it is too late that this disease takes over. In the beginning phase of the disease, they force themselves to vomit. Within a period of around three to five weeks they no longer have to force vomiting; it happens automatically. Binge Eating Disorder seems a little harder to diagnose. These people may still appear to have weight problems. They hoard their favorite snacks and binge usually alone. Unless they are also afflicted with anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa their private battle with food may become very hard to diagnose.

Bulimia nervosa patients do not realize that they are creating a monster that will kill them if not stopped. They vomit every thing in their stomachs and no longer seem to have a choice in the matter. Anorexia patients become thin and emaciated and usually anemic. Their bones become brittle and it is almost impossible to get them to eat. All tend to use laxatives and even diuretics to control their weight. Each of these diseases come with very low self-esteem and an extremely unhealthy body image. These diseases cause malnutrition, non-normal bone and teeth, electrolyte shortage and several other nasty medical conditions including stroke and heart failure. All people with these diseases are very secretive when it comes to meal time and where they keep their stashes of binge foods and laxatives. Each of these different groups of eating disorder patients may not only have their particular dysfunction alone; they frequently have all of them going at once.

Chapter 3-Medical Delights Yet to ComeThe rest of this book will give all of those who are still young and in the early stages of these diseases an idea of what medical situations they may face if they live through these diseases. Hello Beloveds, My name is Tamaro , my friends call me tamiel. It is pronounced tami el and I am one of the founding members of this dysfunctional group. I will be 53 soon and I wanted you all to be aware of the medical ramifications you will deal with if you decide not to seek help now and begin healing. Healing is possible as is peace of mind , love , compassion, patients and understanding. You will need all of these in order to survive this journey. I had my first stroke before my 22nd birthday. I spent several years on strong stroke drugs with no drivers license. The blessing of this journey , and their always is a blessing- even though it may take some introspection and time to find it, is that most of the extreme hate, anger, self-loathing, victim syndrome, and obsessive compulsive disorders that had plagued me were gone. I guess Mother /Father God knew I needed help and provided it. I am extremely thankful. I would love to tell you that we are done- we are just beginning. By my 17th birthday; I had my first set of dentures. The acid in a human stomach is strong enough to melt the enamel right off of your teeth. I have yet to have a pair of dentures that I like. Take care of the body “parts” that you are blessed with –

Chapter 4- It is Your Choice

Eating disorders, obsessive compulsive diseases, rape, abuse in any of it myriad forms are all control issues. Those that suffer from these conditions have control issues that need to be healed. From my prospective, after having experience with all of these illnesses self-imposed and imposed upon me; I believe that all except the sexual issues can be healed or controlled by medication. Sexual abuse of children; is in my opinion, a sickness that can neither be healed or medicated and controlled . I believe eating disorders can be controlled. It is also a day by day situation. Controlling your eating disorder or letting it control you is your choice. I realize that you may not believe you have the power to heal with help; you do. You only have two choices and what ever you decide; the choice is all yours. This is a situation in which you are in control . I pray that you decide to seek help and heal yourself. Healing is a daily blessing in my life. It is also a choice, my choice. I pray and hope that you all decide to live and that you are able to heal and never have to repeat some of my more interesting parts of my journey.

Chapter 5- Find Peace Within

The first step in healing for me was finding inner peace. This is also something that you control. I have worked with a myriad of healing methods over the years. Some I would recommend more than others. The first step for me was to finally realize that I was loveable and fine just the way I am. You are too- I love you! And know all can be healed. If you have a question that you think I maybe able to help with ; I can be reached at seraphimblueprintteacher@rocketmail.com or at www.selfgrowth.com/tami_el.
If possible – spend time outside whenever you can. Nature is one the best schools for healing. I love the ocean. It is one of my favorite places to hang out whenever I get a chance. The smell of the sea breeze and the sounds of the waves lull me into a joyous state. Mountains are sacred space as well. I love being on the top of a mountain when the view is endless. Mountains are very high energy spaces as are places in the desert such as Sedona, Arizona. I could spend the rest of my life traveling the world and some day I will.
If a time comes in your life that you are so nervous you can not think- Stop- close your eyes and breathe. I’m not talking about the shallow breathing most Americans