A destructive man has to get traction with a woman in order to establish power and control. His ability to gain momentum when he meets you is based on how you perceive his contact, how you interpret his communication, and how you respond to his gaze.

If you are on his radar, or already in his life, he noticed that you are, or might be, the type of woman that perceives him differently than other women--so understanding what he sees, that is, understanding what it is that you do differently than other women whom he would not target, provides valuable clues about how destructive relationships develop, how you can avoid them, and how you can stop getting sucked back in by him, if you’re already trapped.

Most of us are unaware of how a toxic man infiltrated our lives. The first violent episode is often unexpected, as they usually present themselves differently up to that point. When women first meet a man, they often reveal too much too soon, and this sends a signal that they may be the type of woman who is more likely to tolerate him. By learning how we expose ourselves like this, we learn how to communicate with caution, and then un-attract and avoid destructive men. We must continually be looking for what makes us ignore, deny, challenge or interpret warning signs and abuse, and we must pay attention to our rationalizations and premature openness, continually looking for what signals we give off that encourage the wrong guys to pursue or harass us.

Understanding how destructive men perceive the women they target or abuse, and paying attention to how we perceive men and how we interpret their language and behavior has to happen, or we will never see change. Even the way a guy approaches us is a clue to who he is, and women can learn to spot destructive men as early as the first hello--which can be laced with very subtle warning signs. To do so, however, we have to stop interpreting the man’s communication through our wishes, filters, and traits. When a woman has an excess in traits, it is even more critical for her to pay attention to herself and how she reads men. Any excess in traits signals danger for her, and these include, but are not limited to, an excess in:

compassion, empathy, sincerity, tolerance, trust, loyalty, competitiveness, sentimentality, friendliness, hopefulness, compliance, passion, honesty, respectfulness, reasonableness, accommodation, faithfulness, fairness, patience

These traits in excess taint the ability to assess and interpret situations and people, unless, and until, we train ourselves to shut the trait-interpretation off at-will.

The first thing a woman with an excess in traits must do to accomplish this, is shut down her first response and interpretation when she meets a new guy. This first response is the natural, from the heart, emotional, and instinctual response she feels--the one that makes her want to jump right up and ease any pain, discomfort, embarrassment, or sorrow he feels. Her initial response and desire to comfort will be especially convincing to her, because it is powered by inherent, deeply rooted, permanent traits, but it is the excess that creates an inaccurate and inappropriate interpretation and response to dangerous and destructive situations. This causes women to deny warnings, to believe that all people can change and that they see and approach the world the same way she does; but this will never be so with destructive men, so she is setting herself up by seeing him in a way that is not real.

Women must not only reject suspicious, abusive or destructive men, she must also reject her own natural instinct to interpret what he means or feels, and she must curb her desire to soften or relieve the suffering of another at her own expence. Our excess in traits cause us to naturally, instinctually, trust, empathize, and feel hopeful--it makes us default to putting other people before ourselves without a thought. We must shut down the traited reactions in some circumstances, in order to protect ourselves, and that is hard and unnatural for us--but if we don’t, our responses will overtake all reason, weaken our perception, and align us with danger.

Interpreting destructive men through our trait-filter is a very dangerous habit; it takes awareness to catch yourself interpreting in this way, and it takes time to change this pattern of interpretation and perception, but it can be done with patience, awareness, and practice and I encourage every woman to pay attention to herself.

Author's Bio: 

Teagin Maddox is a Certified Life Coach, Certified Relationship Coach, and the Exclusive Expert on Domestic Violence at SelfGrowth.com. She provides analysis and interpretation of high conflict/destructive relationship cases in the media-from a unique perspective and delivers powerfully effective communication strategies that help women recognize, avoid, and recover from destructive relationships. Teagin also teaches dating safety, awareness, and success programs. Visit her at www.TeaginMaddox.com.

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