When he is having an affair – Dealing with the Hurt and Pain

Your world has just splintered, everything you took for granted is up for question now; you have just discovered your husband was having an affair, and the hurt is unbearable. Those first few moments when you find out that the person you love is a liar and a cheat, that he has been holding someone else in his arms, that he has betrayed you; those first few moments are the worst. You may find it difficult to breathe, or a sense of unreality can sometimes descend, a marital affair can have that impact, it can make you think that you have walked onto the set of a bad soap opera, that nothing is real. Initially you may have to deal with the detail of ordinary life, perhaps the children need bathing, your neighbor has just called round, or your mother is on the phone. All you want to do is to run, far from the news, away from the pain, but life does not stop for infidelity, it does not care that your world has just crumbled and that everything you believed in seems a sham.

After discovering that he is having an affair, your natural reaction will be to ask why me?

You will search for someone, something to blame. Was it work, was he seduced, did you ignore him, not love him enough, spend all your time on your job, the kids, the house…it will be a long list as frantically you look for something to explain the reason for his having an affair and risking the marriage. You will wonder whether he ever loved you, and at the same time, the fact that you still love him, may make you angry. You will find those first few hours and days a conflicting mix of emotions and you will wonder whether you are going mad.

You are not alone
All of this is perfectly normal; it will not feel that way but be assured you are not feeling anything different from how countless women feel when they discover a marital affair. Although this may not initially make you feel better, knowing that others understand what is happening to you, will help, and be part of your healing. Your feelings will not be ordered or logical but they will tend to follow a pattern, not exactly the same for everyone, as circumstances differ, but generally speaking there will be a set of emotional reactions you will experience. The best piece of advice at this stage is to not make any decisions at all about your future!

You may come under pressure, either from your spouse, your family, your friends, but this is your life and you must allow yourself time to deal with the shock you have just experienced. You are vulnerable, you have just discovered your husband was having an affair, you do not trust yourself right now, and you do not have the emotional strength to make decisions now that you may regret later. However, you will survive this, and you may even come out of this stronger, and with your marriage intact, if that is what you want.