Who is Driving the Bus?
( and why is it smoking??? )
( a story of addiction and attraction )
I am biting my nails trying not to follow the urge to get some cigarettes. I have a little money and I have enough gas to make it but I don't want to identify with being a smoker.
I don't care if there is some weight gain because that is only permanent if I choose. So every time that urge comes I tell myself to focus on something else so as to divert my attention from the current thought of wanting to have a cig. I don't want to attach to that urge anymore and not endure its affect on me.
It's tough learning to detach from a thought especially if it has become a pattern of always reacting to the same situation in the same way. It's like I set a bus route in my mind, into a computer, and whenever I meet a certain obstacle I deviate from my original path in a preprogrammed way.
I want to be the driver of my bus as much as possible, I don't want to sit back and relax or be a back seat driver. I want to have the control to choose which direction I will take my bus load that comprises the many facets of who/what I am. Because if I can do in reality what I hope to do in my mind I must make a concerted effort to do more driving and not let the preprogram take control in its customary ways.
Sure I cannot stop the preprogramming but make the effort to keep in control.
I know I will never totally succeed as the programming is always there, always on and always alert.
I can only hope to work to navigate with it and choose how I will attach my actions once the programming does kick in. And I've basically been addicted to nicotine since puberty- 35 years- so the programming is strong.
But I have done it before, I know it is possible as I have used this to deal with major bouts of panic and anxiety that at one time hindered my employment
Milton DeWayne Benson lives with multiple physical and mental diagnoses and realizes the greatest limitations are those we place upon ourselves.
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