As we begin to become friends, you will notice that I'm very frank with my language because I want you to heal and not go around the same emotional mountain for many years needlessly the way I had.

The reason for that is so that you will learn from my experience since I didn't have others to speak into my life at the time.

So I thought the very first thing we should discuss is the question most people say when something tragic happens...WHY????

Now even if your loved one was ill for many years, perhaps in and out of remission with cancer of some kind, and even if they had a stroke and were progressing, or maybe even another chronic disease, you will still, at some point, ask Why.

And as for the sudden, accidental or violent deaths, the why is an even great issue. But either way, no matter how a person dies, the Why stands out because you can't really fathom how this could have happened just now. Just then.

After all, she was really progressing so nicely. After all, he was at the pinnacle of his career. After all, the twins were only a few weeks old. After all, she was my soulmate and it took all these years to find her.

So whether the person died after a long illness, or whether they died or were killed suddenly, you will most likely feel like it was a sudden death. Because you can't figure out why it happened NOW. Why not another time, why not another day, why not another hour.

But it happened now and it still sucks because no matter when they go, it'll never be the right time, no matter how good or bad the relationship was at the time, the geographical distance was, etc.

So what you need to know is will NEVER, EVER, EVER, figure out WHY. You just won't.

I know it sounds really bad and I know it won't settle well with your soul as you read this, but believe me, if you can get your head around this, even for a few minutes, it will be one of the greatest gifts I can give you.

The only person who will know the WHY is God. Period. Because it took me over a decade trying to find something, somewhere, some answer that I could wrap my head around. Some answer why my 11 year old stepdaughter was murdered three months before my wedding.

There was no satisfactory answer. There just wasn't. And I spent so much time trying so hard to figure it all out and I'm telling won't. You just won't.

And it wasn't until I heard a lady preacher on the television at 5:30 am after working on my first book in 1995 all night long that I got that answer. She said something that changed my life and lifted the burden that I had been carrying for so long.

She said if you knew all the answers to the why questions you'd be God.

And I took several minutes to digest that statement. Ok, so if I knew the answers to it all, yes, I guess I would have to be God. Because why would an 11 year old be murdered.

I never believe God would cause anything so violent to a young innocent child. So I guess the only way I was going to get an answer would be when I, myself, died and found out.

Now, let me tell you, in the beginning, it really shocked me to hear this. I thought to myself, "Now can I really buy this explanation?" After all I'm an educated, professional gal...does this really make sense to me?

And so over a number of weeks, I tried to let this settle in my soul. And what I found out was that I could actually buy this idea.

I thought that I had wasted over a decade with this WHY question spinning around in my head, never having an answer and never coming up with anything else that made sense. So I decided that this was the closest thing that would settle within me.

It took a bit of surrendering to allow myself to trust enough that only God had the true answer behind this event and that nothing I would ever do will give me more satisfaction than that. And once I sort of turned it over to Him, (even thought I was still so angry with him at that point), I felt a sense of calm.

Now it didn't all go away immediately, but I felt like this weight was being released from my shoulders. This spinning feeling in my being was being calmed down and it was like I was consciously getting off some rollercoaster I happened to find myself on for many, many years.

So I tell you this so that perhaps you too will consider that in our lifetime on this earth, we may not ever get the WHY question answered. But just maybe if we change the way we look at wanting the answer, we might find ourselves moving into a move peaceful state.

You don't have to accept it all immediately. Just sit with it, if you think it's a bit much. But I wanted to address this issue right away because how we look at this question can truly affect our journey through the grieving process.



P.S. Go onto to read my blogs and learn more about the grieving process.

Author's Bio: 

Mary Mac is a grief and bereavement specialist, award-winning author, speaker, and consultant. Among her work is the highly acclaimed "Understanding Your Grieving Heart After A Loved One's Death" and the award-winning "National Directory of Bereavement Support Groups and Services." She uses her expertise to assist the bereaved and those dealing with loss and transition through her website which helps hurting people better understand their journey. She is Founder and President of the Foundation for Grieving Children, the first national public charity which raises funds and provides grants to community-based non-profits which assist, counsel, comfort and educate children, teens, young adults and their families after a loved one's death.