Dealing With Marriage Separation Pain: How To Cope With Separation From Your Husband

Today, I felt inspired to write about loneliness. Loneliness is a truly difficult emotion to deal with; it can arise unexpectedly and hit you really hard, slowly creep up on you and linger for months or years if not addressed. Loneliness, and the fear of being alone, is so powerful that it can keep people locked up in unhappy marriages for decades. Frequently, my clients share a list of negatives about their relationship, and when I ask what is making you stay, they often reply with "I am scared of being on my own", or "I don't want to end up a lonely old man", "but, what if I don't meet anyone else?".

Anne, whom I coached, felt lonely in her marriage to Dave. She no longer felt comfortable around him and began to feel really irritated by his presence. In our coaching sessions she told me how she was happily sat reading alone for hours, but as soon as he entered the room she felt alone and as though she couldn't breathe. This loneliness - I put into the category of connection, or lack of. In this example, Dave's company was a reminder to Anne that they had lost the special bond they once had, and in its place she felt only frustration. For Dave, his loneliness was about companionship, he hated coming home to an empty flat after a long and tiring day, it would leave him feeling lonely and with a sense of failure (failed in keeping a family together and also failed in love). Then there is Mohamad, who shared with me that he felt lonely at the weekends when he didn't see his children. He said week days were fine, as he was busy or travelling heavily, but it is the weekends he doesn't know what to do with himself. His lonely feeling, I would place into the boredom category. Then, there is the loneliness brought on by our own thought processes of comparing ourselves to our past, expectations we had for our life, or against others who have what we want.

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On a personal note, there are three times I have felt and recognised true loneliness and I talk about them here to highlight the different types, then we will delve into the actions you can take to turn this emotion into positive experiences.
The first period of loneliness I remember is at age 21. I was extremely lonely in my final year of university, despite living with 7 other people in a huge 3 storey town house in Bath. It's amazing how you can feel alone living with people, especially if you don't feel close to them or feel like they are interested in or care about you; it is painful. This type, I attribute to a lack of connection with others.

The second time I remember feeling lonely was at Christmas, once again this experience might sound a bit ridiculous as I was surrounded by my family. I felt lonely through my own thought process, I started the death trap of comparing myself to my two sisters with their husbands and my brother with his wife, even my sister 10 years younger than me had a loving boyfriend. I became to wonder and ask myself a stream of damaging questions like: what is wrong with me? Why am I on my own? What do they think of me? What do people think of me being on my own? This loneliness was purely my own mind-set and psychology.

The third time I remember feeling lonely was when I first relocated as an expatriate to Dubai. Some weekends, I literally saw no one and no one called. I felt lonely on two levels: I craved companionship, and I was bored.
Imagine never feeling lonely or alone again? This is possible. From these experiences I created a system below that worked for me and works for my clients. It is a system that helps them feel great, and creates the change they deserve. It is a session my clients end up loving, which is why I include it in my VIP days.

Step 1 Acceptance - accept and allow yourself to feel it

Step 2 Review - ask yourself where this is coming from, and distinguish which category or categories it belongs to: Companionship, Boredom, and/or Mind-set and Connection,

Step 3 - Act - Take action depending on the categories you selected

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

Mind-set - Are you comparing? Are you asking yourself damaging questions? Are you feeling sorry for yourself, but in doing so making yourself feel worse? Change your thoughts, change your feelings - it is that simple. Challenge these thoughts, are they helping you - no, are there valid reasons as to why you are feeling lonely, are there any actions you can take to feel better?

Boredom - Plan and get going.

#1 Get online and find something fun to do. Check out Meetup.com, Timeout.com, Community and Event Networking Groups. Join a fitness group or club that interests you or you like the sound of. Some ideas could be public speaking groups, running, yoga, painting, cake decorating, cycling.

#2 Plan good times alone. When you have time alone - enjoy it. Write a list of what you would love to do in that time. From watching a movie, reading a book, get your nails done, long bath, listen to the radio or an audio book, cook or bake something new, read the financial times, organize your wardrobe and cupboards. Yes, I have had people say to me that they would love to clear out their closets. For me, I love to take myself to my favourite breakfast spot along the beach front, sit in a café and plan my week, month and year, what trips or holidays I would like to do. But even more than that, my all-time favourite pass time is walking in the sun, listening and learning from audio books.

#3 Reach out to others. Friends and family. Get out your diary or scheduler and contact friends to meet for a meal, coffee, cinema, spa treatment. No money or have the children? Invite friends over, plan skype evenings.
Companionship -
Animals - Consider getting a pet, volunteering at an animal shelter or ask friends who have pets if you can take them out.

Still Married? - start doing activities together and build back your special bond. Having fun together can create a lot more love into your relationship. This is one of the most important emotional needs that need to be met for a relationship to flourish and continue to do so.

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Children - In addition to reaching out to spend time with friends in the earlier step, help out your friends with their Children. Children make great companions and give us the opportunity to be young again. They are also great at grounding us and living in the moment.

Connection -
Single? Are you ready to date again? Only you know this, If so, take action to find the love of your life. Unsure what you want and what action to take?

If you are missing that deep connection after a separation or divorce, then it can quite often be about sharing our feelings and thoughts. You can help do this by having deep and meaningful conversations with your closest friends, family or with your coach. If it is important for you to have someone to talk to, then pick someone that won't judge you, someone that you can safely confide in.

Still married? There are various ways you can get back that connection, making time for affection, intimate conversation is very important.

Conclusion
Use your loneliness as a sign that you need to give to yourself. Change your thoughts and start taking the necessary action to effect the change, so you can lose this feeling of loneliness and start bringing more good into your life.

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Marriage is not a problem-free relationship. Couples will experience marital problems more than once in their married life and if couples do not know how to deal with marital problems, the relationship will suffer and they will eventually find themselves unhappy with their marriage. While it is normal for couples to experience marital issues and problems, it is important to know how to handle relationship issues to avoid bigger fights and conflicts. The following tips can be very helpful to handle marital problems.

Keep your cool. If you will get carried away with your emotions, you will lose your temper and your sense of reason. Although it can be really hard to keep your sanity and remain cool when your spouse is pushing you to your limits and provoking you to engage in a fight, try your best to gather all your sanity to keep your cool if you want things not to get worse. Talk about the issues in your marriage in a peaceful way. If your spouse do not want to talk about the issue right now, give him or her time. Your spouse might need some time to cool down but set an appointment to talk to each other within 24 hours.

Fight fair. Fighting in a marriage is not always a bad thing. If done correctly and fairly, it can strengthen the marriage. Fighting fair means knowing the current issue in your marriage, stick to it and do not bring up past issues. Do not let small things build up until you explode because it is not fair. If something is bothering you or you feel something is not right, make it appoint to talk about it with your spouse within 24 hours. It is not fighting fair to involve other people like your in-laws and friends so keep the fight just between the two of you. No name calling, yelling, threatening or hitting below the belt. Do not blame or accuse your spouse. Remember that you are not fighting with an enemy but with your spouse. Always keep in mind that you are fighting not to win but you are fighting for your relationship. It is not the absence of conflicts that makes the relationship strong but the way you deal with marital problems.

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Willingness to compromise. It can be hard to deal with marital problems if couples are not open-minded and willing to compromise. Couples do not see each other eye-to-eye all the time. So when couples are not seeing each other eye-to-eye, good communication is necessary to be able to find the middle ground and compromise. Relationship should be give and take and it is easier to deal with marital problems if couples are willing to compromise.

Seek professional help. Research shows that many couples suffer years of marital problems before seeking professional help. Years of marital issues could make the relationship worse and could make marriage problems too big to be resolved. Do not wait until your marriage problems become serious and beyond repair before seeking help. There are couples who are in denial and do not want to admit that there are problems in the relationship. If you think your marriage is in trouble now, it probably is so seek help if you and your spouse find it hard to resolve issues in your marriage on your own. One best way to deal with marital problems is to acknowledge that there are problems in your marriage and seek help.

Willingness to forgive. It is important that couples know how to forgive each other. Couples must be willing to let go of the pain, disappointment and resentment to build a better relationship with each other. Stop dwelling on the pain that your spouse caused you and start to rekindle your relationship through the act of forgiveness. If you want to properly deal with marital problems, forgiveness is inevitable.

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Comes a time in all marriages and households for the splitting and re-splitting of chores - if nothing else, for fairness. This is a time to throw out from the mind any useless precedent and tradition that anchors us to the past and condemns our future, for these will surely restrain progress if we let them.

"That's not my job, it's yours! Do what you promised, please!"

Familiar words?

I think every household deals with the same issues, however dormant they appear. And certainly if hearts were more fully known there'd be more of a screech at any given moment. At times we don't give voice to the worn and tired track. It's done us no good in the past; why continue?

Repenting

We all make mistakes when we criticise our partners for their performance on tasks around the home. Many of us are even given to 'serially' calling attention to the same thing. The "quarrelsome wife" of Proverbs - the one who "nags" - also has an alter-ego of the opposite gender. Yes, men, we too are given to it.

It certainly is a skill to competently give due feedback for less than satisfactory performance on a house chore - and sin it is when it's not done perfectly. It is better to repent of the criticism so the relationship mightn't falter due merely to one or a couple of astray tasks.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

The one who criticises - the one who started the fight - should be the first one to repent.

A Better Plan

I recall when courting my then-to-be wife the both of us having one of our 'discussion dates' and talking in mutually enjoyable ways about the splitting of tasks around the home. We did this according to our strengths, our passions and to ensure a reasonably balanced contribution both ways.

She took the budget, accounting and taxes. I took the car and repairs around the home. I'd wash dishes; she'd wipe. Taking out the rubbish and mowing the lawns were my things. Mopping the floors were hers.
And then things changed, as they always do.

Keeping Things Fresh (and Fair)

Circumstances change. This is where we're often caught out in our marriages and within the family home. Things change and we don't adjust to make the commensurate allowances.

A review of tasks every now and again is a good thing. But we're loath to retain or cherish our history as a precedent we're reluctant to let go of. We're best starting with a fresh slate each time or at least to have a fresh outlook as we manage things 'by exception'. Chances are if one partner is prepared to give way to the meeting of their desires the other will quickly follow suit.

At the end of the day they're only minor daily or weekly chores we're talking about. And, still, these are key opportunities at perfecting the 'labour the love,' are they not?

Doing a random chore... or to bless with love. Even better it is, to work together to halve the work.

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Author's Bio: 

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