An excerpt from Talitha Cumi; Mothers and Daughters Arise!

At the age of fourteen, I made up in my mind that I would never do drugs, never become a whore, nor would I loose my mind and I would be a success. Why did I make such an affirmation? Well, a very significant occurrence happened at fourteen, actually several life changing events happened.

The first being, I told my mother that a man we trusted had molested me for seven years. As my mother looked at me, I saw the light dim in her eyes. Not only had she failed me as a nurturer and a protector, she knew how I was feeling because she too as a child had been molested. For the first time in my life, I saw a strong woman wonder, how she could rectify this situation without worse making matters. You see, she had sensed things were not right but did not want to cause trouble by planting ideas, if she was wrong. She did not want to make the same mistakes as her mother. So this is a message to mothers, if you sense something is wrong with your child you are probably right. It is better to be safe and protect your child than to be too lenient.

As I watched my mother struggled with the idea that this matter could not continue, I felt her pain. However, I wanted to be free of the horror, I had lived with for so many years, the shame that I had felt and the sheer hatred and anger that would boil out of me at the most inappropriate times. I found myself fighting for the sake of fighting. It was almost as if I was trying to control others because I had to surrender control in the still of the night to him. I remember my first fistfight in the sixth grade. I felt liberated with every blow, at this point, I realized that all my anger, my stress, and even rage could be let out on the person I was fighting. The great part about it, to me, was I did not lose, and I walked away with some sense of power. But did I really?

For several years after this, even as an adult, I would find ways to release my hatred, anger, and bitterness on any one that opposed me. At the smallest infraction, I would turn into the angriest, meanest, and uncontrolled person I could. I remember journaling about a situation where, I verbally beat a person with harsh, angry, spiteful words. I said it was like taking all my anger, frustration, bitterness, jealousy, and feelings of being unloved and I hurled it at this person with everything that I had. The sad thing about it was that for a bit, I felt relieved and vindicated but moments later, I felt sick to my stomach. With all this emotion running through me, each time it occurred I would do the same thing. Wishing I could stop myself.

The next event would be God called me to ministry. He called me to prophesy, preach, and teach His word. A girl full of rage, bitterness, hatred, and pain, He wanted me to surrender myself to Him and allow Him to use me for His service, His purpose. The dream was so real I awoke in tears. Even in my distress to give an answer, I could feel how much God loved me. At that point, I knew I would never walk away from Him. If God could love me this much, I would be silly to let Him go.

The last event that took place at the age of fourteen actually set the path for my healing. Remember I said that I did not want to do certain things. The reason for this statement was I had heard that people that are molested tend to let their lives spiral out of control. My mother told me something very profound at this time in my life, she said, “You have God and that means you can beat the odds. What might make others act out and do things to damage their lives, does not have to control you.” I remember hearing my mother pray for me at night. I can hear her interceding and doing battle for me even as I write this testimony. Her words comforted me and gave me strength to stand and look adversary in the face and say, “I will not be another statistic.” However, even in that, I had already been acting out due to the consequences of these events in my life. The lesson here was that I was so busy trying not to be one thing I leaped head first into other things without knowing I had.

Once the molestation was confronted, my life saw more pain and rejection than peace and protection. I began to despise anyone with authority over me. My mother although she believed me seemed to distance herself from me to shield her from more pain. I was left to myself to find solace. That is when I turned to God and His Word and His message of love. I wanted to feel that someone cared about me and would not allow me to drown in my own pity. I have to admit that I was not ready to let go of the hurt either. I truly believed that this pain would be there from this point on. I wove a blanket out of hatred, pain, and wrapped myself in it. It was my comfort, my shield from the bad world. Yet, I would lash out on anyone deserving my wrath, which in this case was the whole world.

The prayers of mother continued and, as they had before, they gave me security. As I read about the women with the issue of blood, it came to me that just as I had said to myself that I would not let certain behaviors be named among me, the woman with the issue of blood had made up in her mind that she would be made whole if she could get to Jesus. Therefore, I went to Jesus. I cried to Him to help me with my goals, to take away my bleeding heart and stop the flow of anger, rage, hatred, and bitterness. It would have been a nice ending to say that it happened immediately, just like the woman with the issue of blood. However, it only began my process that would take the next twenty-two years.

So, what exactly did I learn from the woman with the issue of blood? “For she said, ‘if I may but touch His clothes I shall be whole’.” (Mark 5:28) She knew that her situation could change. Although she had this ailment for twelve years, she was not willing to accept it as her end. She knew that put in the right situation she would be different. Sometimes we, as women, choose to stay in our situations instead of looking for the way out. The Bible clearly states that she heard that Jesus was going from town to town-healing people. She made up her mind that she was going to find him and she was not going to leave the way she came. Believing that God will heal is not enough; you must seek him out. He is able to change any situation but we must first, bring it to him.

Her sheer determination to be free was impressive to me. She pressed through the crowd, touched the His clothes and was healed. Only when we can determine in our hearts that the circumstances (good or bad) we face cannot keep us from achieving our goals to succeed in life. If we want our lives to have better quality, then we must know where to go to get the help that we need. Just acknowledging it alone is not enough but actually making moves toward it will help you succeed.

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Author's Bio: 

Linda A. Hillman is an Evangelist, author, commended motivational speaker, and life coach. She is the Founder of W.H.O.L.E. Ministries and the Singles’ Ministry Pastor at Victory In Praise Church. You can read her articles writing on eHow.com and through her blogs on wordpress.com and blogger.com. She is currently assisting with the development of VIP Bible Institute while building key relationships with community service organizations. She is currently working on her BA in Communications and Biblical Counseling, and will continue her studies by attaining a Master of Divinity Degree in Theology.