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Browse published articles attributed to Darlene Lancer, with full-archive search.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12450" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/happiness-300x207.jpg" alt="" width="350" height="242" />
<img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-4523" src= "https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/manson-280x300.jpg" alt="self-love, self-esteem" width="300" height="238" /> If you’re in an abusive relationship, you may wonder if your partner is a narcissist or sociopath and whether or not the relationship will improve. If so, or if you recently ended such a relationship, it can undermine your self-esteem and ability to trust yourself and others.
Breakups can be severely painful. Love stimulates such powerful and pleasurable neuro-chemicals that rejection can feel like withdrawal from a drug. It can compel us to engage in obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior, even in animals. Rejection and breakups are especially hard for codependents, who generally already have low self-esteem.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-14238" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/shame-woman.png" alt="" width="326" height="429" />
We’re all in denial. We’d barely get through the day if we worried that we or people we love could die today. Life is unpredictable, and denial helps us cope and focus on what we must in order to survive. On the other hand, denial harms us when it causes us to ignore problems for which there are solutions or deny feelings and needs that if dealt with would enhance our lives. Unfortunately, if you're in denial, you won't know it. Read on to learn how to recognize denial in its many forms. Types and Degrees of Denial
<img class="alignleft wp-image-3155 size-full" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/distant-mate-stockfresh.jpg" alt="Narcissistic boyfriend, narcissistic men" width="424" height="283" />
Passive-aggressive people act passive, but express aggression covertly. They're basically obstructionist, and try to block whatever it is you want. Their unconscious anger gets transferred onto you, and you become frustrated and furious. Your fury is theirs, while they may calmly ask, “Why are you getting so angry?” and blame you for the anger they’re provoking.
Are you searching for a soul mate or unconditional love? Your quest can set you on an impossible journey to find an ideal partner. The problem is often twofold: No human being, nor any relationship can ever achieve perfection, and often unconditional and conditional love are confused.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12433" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/couple-conflict-breakup-Pexels-Vera-Arsic-300x200.png" alt="breakup" width="375" height="250" />
Women, in particular, are looking for commitment. Hollywood, the media, and dating websites all focus on getting a marriage proposal. The art of seduction pre-dates expert Cleopatra. Dozens of books have been written about getting an unavailable man to say, “I do.” For six years, Carrie Bradshaw of “Sex in the City” tried to get Mr. Big to commit.
Getting hit by a love bomb feels glorious! The lavish attention and affection seems to answer our prayers. We’ve found Mr. or Ms. Right—our soul mate; unsuspecting that we’ve been targeted by a narcissist. The bomber abruptly changes colors and loses interest, and our dream comes crashing down.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-15101 size-medium" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/boys-sibling-fight-Aislinn-Ritchie-flickr-300x225.jpg" alt="sibling abuse, boys fighting" width="300" height="225" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-14660" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/couple-distant-Sasin-Tipchai-Pixabay-300x210.jpg" alt="distant-couple-in-bed" width="372" height="264" />
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Valentine’s Day creates a lot of expectations that are often unrealized. It's fraught with landmines, whether you’re in or out of a relationship, the grass isn’t always greener. Is your situation described here? Read six tips to having a great holiday.
As codependents we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our Self is the greatest despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it's devastating, because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn’t completed by adulthood.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12984" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/therapy-Pixabay-tiyowprasetyo.jpg" alt="" width="237" height="307" />
Probably, and you’re in the majority. The term “dysfunctional family,” once used only by professionals, has become popular jargon in America where dysfunctional families are the norm due to cultural values, a high divorce rate, and widespread addictions – from prescription drugs to exercising, working, and shopping.
Conventional belief is that we can never love too much, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes, love can blind us so that we deny painful truths. We might believe broken promises and continue to excuse someone’s abuse or rejection. We may empathize with them but not enough with ourselves. If we grew up in a troubled environment, we might confuse our pain with love. Although relationships have disappointments and conflicts, love isn’t supposed to be painful and hurt so much. By not having boundaries, we harm ourselves and the relationship.
It's very important that couples seek therapy early on, while there is still good will between them. Like with any wound, the longer it festers, the more difficult is the healing process. When couples enter therapy to "save" their marriage from divorce, often one spouse has already left emotionally, and there's a lot of resentment and "water under the bridge."
Children intuitively know that there are problems in a marriage, sometimes despite their parents' best efforts to hide them. They may even believe divorce is a welcome relief from their parents' hot or cold war. However, they do not share their parents' need to separate, but on the contrary, need both parents. They in fact go through the same reactions as parents, such as denial, reconciliation fantasies, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, depression, boredom, irritability, intense sorrow, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness.
There are four major types of narcissism. Researchers have been hunting for the core of narcissism that all narcissists share despite varying symptoms and severity. Narcissists use a variety of tactics and defenses to keep you insecure and ensure their status and their needs are met. It’s easy to be confused, but it’s important to understand and spot which type of narcissist you’re dealing with. Recently, two research teams have identified a common trait. The Grandiose Narcissist
<img class="alignleft wp-image-12857" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/Narcissist-Madonna1.jpg" alt="" width="386" height="386" />Narcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, exciting, and engaging. They can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, obnoxious, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and be destroyed by their dark side. It can be baffling, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them.
We all experience guilt from time to time. But many of us have a hard time letting go of it and find it difficult to forgive ourselves, even though we may readily forgive others. First of all, it's important to recognize whether our guilt is true or false. Just because we feel guilty, that doesn’t mean we are. Feelings aren’t facts. And even if our guilt is “true”–that we’ve morally transgressed, we’re still worthy and capable of forgiveness.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
Rejection and break-ups are especially hard for codependents. They can trigger hidden grief and cause irrational guilt, anger, shame, and fear. Working through the following issues can help you let go and move on. - Codependents often blame themselves or their partner.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-13670" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/empty-chair-Marcelo-Jaboo-Pexels.png" alt="empty chair, being ghosted" width="411" height="356" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-1720" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/romance.jpg" alt="Romance, Loving couple" width="431" height="330" /> A relationship can be an exciting path to the unknown. It offers an ever-present opportunity to grow—a path to spiritual transformation and mutual discovery and ultimately the divine when partners open to one another.
The expectation of feeling grateful at Thanksgiving can be challenging when we’re struggling with loneliness or relationship, work or health problems. It can be even harder to have gratitude around the holidays, when we see other people happily celebrating.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-16557 size-full" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/dating.jpg" alt="online dating" width="418" height="293" /> You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over—sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-13334" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/mask-manipulator-Ashutosh-Sonwani-Pexels.jpg" alt="covert manipulator, mask" width="313" height="355" />Many of us don't recognize manipulators or even realize they're trying to control and confuse us. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn't match the manipulator's words or feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react in ways that escalate abuse or play into the hands of the abuser and feel small and guilty, but retreat and allow unacceptable behavior.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-16486" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Can-Will-shutterstock_150231068-300x201.jpg" alt="" width="331" height="226" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-10479" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/beliefs.png" alt="Beliefs" width="400" height="265" />Codependency is based on false, dysfunctional beliefs that are learned from our parents and environment. Recovery entails changing those beliefs, the most damaging of which is that we’re not worthy of love and respect – that we’re somehow inadequate, inferior, or just not enough.
To some degree, most of us desire to improve our social status and self-esteem, but narcissists feel compelled to. A recent study concluded that it’s their constant concern.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-21353 size-large" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/codependency-wounds-woman-AdobeStock_260532236-1024x682.jpg" alt="sad woman, psychic wounds" width="584" height="389" />Codependency is more than a relationship problem. It wounds our psyche and individual development. Make no mistake. It’s to no fault of our own. The wounds of codependency is adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our individuality, authenticity, and our future quality of life.
Anyone who’s loved a narcissist wonders, “Does he really love me?” “Does she appreciate me?” They’re torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but can’t seem to do either. Some swear they’re loved; others are convinced they’re not. It’s confusing, because sometimes they experience the caring person they love, whose company is a pleasure, only to be followed by behavior that makes them feel unimportant or inadequate. Narcissists claim to love their family and partners, but do they? How a narcissist loves
Falling in love happens to us—usually before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the relationship turns abusive, you’re attached and want to maintain your connection and love.
Is your relationship or marriage just, well, so-so? Maybe you’re not sure if you still love or ever loved your partner? Maybe he or she has many good traits – is kind, or generous, funny, or the sex is great. She’s gorgeous, or he showers you with kindness – but something is missing. Maybe your parents or friends think that he or she is great – that others would give their eye teeth for such a relationship. There’s more at stake if you have children together, but if not, how do you decide what’s the right thing to do?
Many divorces go along smoothly, but when problems occur, they usually reflect the dynamics that didn’t work in the marriage – only made worse, because divorce is one of the biggest crises you may go through. Emotions, especially fear and anger, are at their peak.There are definite pitfalls to avoid, and positive steps that can save your sanity and help you move on. All divorces are unique and vary depending on: 1. The marital relationship; 2. The reasons for the divorce; 3. Whether children are involved; and 4. Who initiated the divorce.
Envy, jealousy, and shame are inextricably intertwined. Envy and jealousy are primal emotions that frequently overlap. They’re commonly first felt in the form of sibling rivalry and oedipal longings. A child innately wants mommy and daddy all to him or herself and feels “excluded” from the marital bond, especially if there have been parenting deficits that have led to shame and emotional abandonment. Typically, young children of heterosexual parents see their same-sex parent as a rival for their opposite parent’s love and feel both envious and jealous of their same-sex parent.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-15074" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/abuse-couple-lg-300x218.png" alt="verbally abusive man with woman" width="410" height="297" />
<img class="alignleft wp-image-22285" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Boundaries-enmeshed.png" alt="Self or Other; enmeshed boundaries" width="370" height="320" />Maintaining boundaries is challenging for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been quarantined with a partner, housemate, or family for nearly a year. Normally, we could at least create physical space by going to work, the gym, seeing friends, or even taking side trips.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.
<img class="alignleft wp-image-22176" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/lure-pexels-maël-balland-3099227-838x1024.jpg" alt="lure, bait, seduce, bait and switch" width="326" height="396" />Beware of narcissists trying to lure you back with hoovering. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many won’t let you go, even when it’s they who left the relationship, and even when they’re with a new partner. They won’t accept “no.”
Often many people, in particular codependents, find it hard to receive. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners.