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Articles by Darlene Lancer

Browse published articles attributed to Darlene Lancer, with full-archive search.

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By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Dating a Narcissist

<img class="alignleft wp-image-16557 size-full" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/dating.jpg" alt="online dating" width="418" height="293" /> You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are exceedingly skilled at making you like them. They can be alluring, charming, and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over—sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

1,032 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Are You Feeding Narcissistic Supply?

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

1,002 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE WILLFUL OR STRONG WILLED

<img class="alignleft wp-image-16486" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Can-Will-shutterstock_150231068-300x201.jpg" alt="" width="331" height="226" />

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

977 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Tactics Narcissists Use to Gain Self-Esteem and Power

To some degree, most of us desire to improve our social status and self-esteem, but narcissists feel compelled to. A recent study concluded that it’s their constant concern.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

957 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Healing Psychic Wounds of Codependency

<img class="alignleft wp-image-21353 size-large" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/codependency-wounds-woman-AdobeStock_260532236-1024x682.jpg" alt="sad woman, psychic wounds" width="584" height="389" />Codependency is more than a relationship problem. It wounds our psyche and individual development. Make no mistake. It’s to no fault of our own. The wounds of codependency is adaptive and helped us survive growing up in a dysfunctional family system. But that adjustment cost us our individuality, authenticity, and our future quality of life.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

946 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

WHY YOU CAN LOVE AN ABUSER

Falling in love happens to us—usually before we really know our partner. It happens to us because we’re at the mercy of unconscious forces, commonly referred to as “chemistry.” Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the relationship turns abusive, you’re attached and want to maintain your connection and love.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

918 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

795 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

HOW TO HAVE BOUNDARIES IN THE PANDEMIC

<img class="alignleft wp-image-22285" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Boundaries-enmeshed.png" alt="Self or Other; enmeshed boundaries" width="370" height="320" />Maintaining boundaries is challenging for most of us. But the pandemic has made it even more difficult. People have been quarantined with a partner, housemate, or family for nearly a year. Normally, we could at least create physical space by going to work, the gym, seeing friends, or even taking side trips.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

783 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Soul Alignment

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

779 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

The Narcissistic Parent

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

774 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Narcissists' Dirty Little Secret

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

751 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

6 STRATEGIES WHEN NARCISSISTS WON’T LET GO

<img class="alignleft wp-image-22176" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/lure-pexels-maël-balland-3099227-838x1024.jpg" alt="lure, bait, seduce, bait and switch" width="326" height="396" />Beware of narcissists trying to lure you back with hoovering. Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many won’t let you go, even when it’s they who left the relationship, and even when they’re with a new partner. They won’t accept “no.”

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

738 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

WHY IT’S HARD TO RECEIVE

Often many people, in particular codependents, find it hard to receive. In fact, codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

719 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Dealing with Highly Aggressive People

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

709 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS IS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE

<img class="alignleft wp-image-22569" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/hopeless-nik-shuliahin-BuNWp1bL0nc-unsplash-1024x1019.jpg" alt="" width="364" height="363" />We can feel hopeless and helpless when we experience chronic abuse or repeated obstacles. You might feel stuck in poverty or an unhappy relationship. You could or be dealing with your own or someone else’s addiction that feels powerless to change.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

709 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

STEPS OF CODEPENDENCY RECOVERY

The overall goal of codependency recovery is to become a full-functioning individual.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

706 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

DARVO: Abusers’ “Victim-Blaming” Tactic

Abusers are long known for victim-blaming, because they never want to take responsibility. More recently a research psychologist Jennifer Joy Freyd gave this a name: DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

705 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

ARE EMPATHS CODEPENDENT?

<img class="alignleft wp-image-22890" src="https://www.whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/compassion.jpg" alt="holding hands" width="404" height="270" />Empaths are more than empathetic. Like an HSP–highly sensitive person–they’re highly attuned to stimuli and other people’s emotions and energy, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They may be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let’s first consider some definitions. An HSP has a rich inner life and deep central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

681 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

CRAFT Addiction Treatment and Codependency

Though powerless over an alcoholic-addict's ultimate behavior, we can influence them to get addiction treatment using CRAFT.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

642 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Signs of Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are essential in recovery from codependency. They both build and reflect self-esteem. Learning to have healthy boundaries is an essential aspect of individuating and becoming an individual and autonomous person.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

611 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon to True Self

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

607 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Relationship Anxiety

<img class="wp-image-28597 alignleft" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/insecure-couple-marina-abrosimova-unsplash-500x500.jpg" alt="Relationship Anxiety" width="438" height="438" />

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

595 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Is My Relationship Toxic?

<img class="alignnone size-us_1366_500 wp-image-28693" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/couple-arguing-AdobeStock_84420001-750x500.jpeg" alt="Is My Relationship Toxic?" width="750" height="500" />

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

575 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child

<img style="float: left; padding: 0 20px 20px 0;" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/Child-abuse-soupstock-AdobeStock_132085885-750x500.jpeg" alt="Healing Trauma and Your Inner Child" width="400" height="267" /> We all have an “inner child,” which is an unconscious archetype coined by Carl Jung. It holds our vulnerability, spontaneity, creativity, curiosity, and magical ideas. It also holds fears, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and insecurity experienced growing up and is a vital part in healing trauma.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

556 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Myths about Narcissism

<img class="wp-image-28749 alignleft" style="padding-top: 5px;" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/man-shame-peopleimages-Canva-419x500.png" alt="Myths about Narcissism" width="346" height="413" />

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

531 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Difference between a Strong Ego, Weak Ego, and Big Ego

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

486 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Difference between a Strong Ego, Weak Ego, and Big Ego

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

483 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

The Stages of Narcissistic Relationships

<img class="wp-image-30542 alignleft" style="padding-top: 7px;" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/narcissistic-relationships-stages.png" alt="The Stages of Narcissistic Relationships" width="400" height="400" />

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

482 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Signs of lack of empathy and what you can do

<img class="wp-image-28221 alignleft" src="https://whatiscodependency.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/addict-alcoholic-addiction-shutterstock_By-Photographee.eu-sm-scaled.jpg" alt="Signs of Lack of Empathy and What You Can Do" width="458" height="305" />

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

472 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Child Parentification: The Cause, Signs, and Recovery

The term child parentification was coined in 1967 by family systems theorist Salvador Minuchin, who said the phenomenon occurred when parents de facto delegated parenting roles to children.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

463 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Symptoms of Children of Narcissists and Addicts

Children of narcissists and addicts (all substance abusers) grow up in a stressful, dysfunctional family environment, which in most cases leads to codependency. Due to the symptoms and <a href="https://whatiscodependency.com/why-narcissists-act-th

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

448 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

The Narcissists' Hidden False Self

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

446 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Are You Kind or Are You Codependent?

Do you wonder whether you're a kind, empathetic person or are you codependent? There is a difference between empathy and codependency. There are codependents who are abusers and not caring, and some people who are caring and aren't codependent. So what's the difference?

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

444 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

How to Identify and Combat Gaslighting

Identifying gaslighting behavior and knowing how to combat gaslighting are essential to maintaining your self-esteem, and mental and emotional health.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

444 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Three Secret Behaviors of Narcissists

Narcissists’ entire personality is a defense to help them manage their hidden insecurity and inner turmoil.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

437 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Benefits of Letting Go Discoverable in Therapy

A practical article connected into the broader SelfGrowth topic graph.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

433 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Understanding the Mind of a Distancer

Pursuer-distancer relationships cause a lot of heartache, especially for a pursuer. Learn about the mind of a distancer to understand your own or your partner's behavior so you won't take it personally.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

416 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Trauma Recovery: A Blueprint and Strategies

Most codependents experience abandonment trauma in childhood, which can take many forms ranging from overt abuse to covert neglect. Even subtle signs that one of our parents does not listen to our thoughts, feelings, or needs send a message that we’re not valued for who we are as an individual. This abandonment trauma lays the groundwork for shame and codependency, which can be a precursor for troubled, adult relationships where we feel unvalued, not enough, and emotionally abandoned compounding our original trauma.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

412 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Are Narcissists Made or Born?

Narcissists can be hard to empathize with, but research on inherited narcissism shows they didn’t choose to be that way; they bear scars from childhood.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

393 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

The Signs and Effect of Emotional Incest

Emotional incest has been compared to actual incest because it similarly creates long-lasting effects on psychosocial development and into adulthood. Sometimes the targeted child is referred to as a “surrogate spouse,” due to parent-child enmeshment or a codependent parent-child relationship. Non-sexual incest can happen with a same-sex or opposite-sex parent. Invasive parents have difficulty maintaining an intimate relationship with their spouse and appropriate boundaries with their child. Dysfunctional Family Systemsr

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

387 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Unraveling Female Narcissism

Female narcissists can be harder to spot; first, because they’re less numerous, and second, because their behavior may be less assertive and public compared to male narcissists. Male narcissists outnumber female narcissists nearly three to one. However, narcissistic personality disorder is on the rise in women, as is narcissism in general.[i] Males are usually encouraged to be more confident, decisive, forceful, pushy, and self-assured. Due to cultural biases, male narcissists are bolder than their female counterparts and more likely to strive for wealth, power, and success in their work.r

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

361 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Hidden Truth About Codependent Relationships

There’s a saying, “The ending is in the beginning.” Codependent relationship problems start with their low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, and their idealization of love—that it will solve their deeper problems, including shame, which generates beliefs such as: “If I’m loved, I’m lovable,” and “If I’m needed, I won’t be abandoned and lonely.” Codependents have fantasies of how wonderful their relationship will be, “if only…” their partner would transform (with their help.)

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

345 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Healing In Relationships

Even before we enter the world, our brains and hormones are wired for connection. Our first relationship begins in our mother’s womb, where we recognize her voice and respond to her moods through hormones and stress responses. Later, her smell and touch become familiar. Affection and responsive communication are necessary for developing our brains and bodies. Early interactions with our parents shape our self-image and template for love and relationships. Our patterns of relating and reacting, attachment style, are often repeated in adult relationships—romantic and otherwise.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

315 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Depression and Despair

When reality doesn’t match our desires and childhood coping mechanisms fail us, life presents us with painful lessons that may lead to depression. We face painful lessons that can lead to depression. The patterns we developed in response to unmet childhood needs can strain our relationships. If we were overly indulged or our disappointment was unconsoled in childhood, we become easily discouraged or more willful as adults. Both responses hinder our ability to adapt to reality. Stubborn self-will can prevent us from finding workable solutions.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

295 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Growth and Healing in Recovery

Healing is not linear or categorizable but is an obscure odyssey of the soul that meanders, stagnates, and has ups and downs. It warps time, intertwining our past and present, perspectives, relationships, and emotional struggles. For me, writing has been a gratifying and powerful healing tool along my journey. I decided to publish poems I’ve written and lessons I’ve learned in a new book, Unfettered Soul: Poems and Contemplations on Recovery.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

244 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

What Is Generational Trauma – Mother Wounds

Generational trauma is a form of trauma passed down to subsequent generations through environmental factors such as psychological transference and attachment behavior according to attachment theory. The psychological impact of a traumatic event, such as historical mistreatment, cultural dislocation, physical or emotional abuse, a natural disaster, or poverty, is passed down from one generation to the next, where individuals who did not directly experience the trauma still exhibit symptoms of it due to the experiences of their ancestors or parents.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

226 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Profile of a Narcissist Attractor

Often a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were raised in unhappy families. People who grew up loving and trusting their parents are also susceptible because they expect others to be loving and trustworthy. Thus, they are less guarded and naive to narcissistic manipulative tactics.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

196 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Profile of a Narcissist Attractor

Often a partner of a narcissist is a narcissist attractor, but may not realize it until they’ve attracted more than one narcissist. They may have a narcissist in their family of origin, but not always, and not all children of narcissists end up with one. Not all partners of narcissists were raised in unhappy families. People who grew up loving and trusting their parents are also susceptible because they expect others to be loving and trustworthy. Thus, they are less guarded and naive to narcissistic manipulative tactics.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

177 views

By Darlene LancerRecently published1 topic

Natural Trauma Healing – Less is More

The conversation around trauma has become mainstream, as people seek to understand the effects of stress and emotional wounding on the body and mind. Countless books and studies have brought vital insights, exploring how trauma lodges in the nervous system and impacts our sense of safety, connection, and vitality. But amid all this knowledge, it’s easy to miss something essential: We’ve inherited natural trauma healing practices. Trauma affects codependents, including anyone who has lived with abuse, addiction, and high-conflict relationships. It’s often transgenerational.

Primary topic: Relationship Advice

Relationship Advice

176 views

By Darlene LancerSep 13, 20261 topic

Enmeshment: When Love Masks Control

Enmeshment may be difficult to recognize because it can seem like love, loyalty, or normal family devotion. However, it may sometimes feel like an obligation, guilt, or anxiety, or that you’re responsible for other people’s feelings.

Primary topic: Love

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