Browse published articles attributed to Lynette Crane, with full-archive search.
Are you an introvert? Afraid of anger? Your own and other people’s? You’re not alone. We introverts are famous for becoming clams when we’re hurt or affronted. After all, anger can involve raised voices, threatening language – all that over-stimulation against which we try to protect ourselves. The Bad
“I used my extrovert skills.” “I had to learn some extrovert skills.” “Oh, well, I don’t have extrovert skills.” I hear these phrases all the time – and they drive me crazy. When did the ability to be socially graceful or to display good manners become the sole province of one group of people, one temperament? Good social behavior is within the reach of every human being, no matter how quiet or even shy you may be. As an introvert, you may need to protect yourself from too much stimulation, but you shouldn’t protect yourself from connecting with others.
Stress can make even intelligent people screw up, look slightly crazy, and even undermine their health and well-being. It’s true: even highly-educated, highly-intelligent people can do incredibly stupid things under stress. Take the woman, who upon finding that her house was on fire, grabbed what she believed to be two important objects before she rushed out- of- doors. They were an old issue of Time magazine and one slipper.
We’ve heard these phrases all of our lives: “Persistence pays off”, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”, and “Success comes the day after you give up.” But are they really true? If you’re feeling tired, despondent and burned out, you may wonder just how long you have to persist before you achieve success. I used to tell my students that if you keep hitting your head against a stone wall, something’s bound to give. I wouldn’t count on it being the stone wall. Here are some guidelines for engaging in what I call “enlightened persistence.”
When I had a heart attack a little over five years ago, I asked, “Why?” And my doctor told me that I had a high level of a rare form of cholesterol that sticks to itself and to artery walls like Velcro, making me three times more liable to have a heart attack than the average person. Furthermore, my doctor told me there was no medication, diet, or exercise - nothing I could do – that would lower this level. I felt nothing but despair. It sounded like a death sentence to me.
When you hire a business coach and develop a program or product, the first marketing instructions you get will probably be something like this: “Contact your friends, send them a warm letter, offer them your services or product, and ask them if they know people who would be interested.” Bingo! You’re on your way with a marketing list, sure to grow as your friends enthusiastically spread the word. Oh.
Over 40% of employees in the workplace have experienced bullying, a persistent pattern of behavior that intimidates, degrades or otherwise undermines the wellbeing of the target. Bullying is four times more prevalent than sexual abuse, and, according to a study at the University of Manitoba, the outcomes for victims of bullying are worse than are those for sexual abuse victims. So who are the bullies? And who are the targets? It’s easy to envision a quiet, introverted person as the victim of an outgoing, brash person. But it’s not that simple.
The topic of introversion has now entered the mainstream. How can I tell? This topic, which I have championed for so many years (full disclosure: I am an introvert), has now appeared in one of my favorite comic strips, and I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Maybe you shouldn’t be. Transitions – in life or in career – are tough. One of the hardest parts is the seeming attack on your identity when you no longer fill a given role, a role you may have played for years, even decades. People who have had to change careers for physical or health reasons, retirees from work to which they have dedicated years of their lives, mothers whose children have grown up and fled the nest, all struggle with this identity crisis.
There are real deadlines it’s important to meet: dialing 9.1.1. within seconds after witnessing symptoms of a heart attack or stroke comes to mind immediately, and an example that meets the true definition of “deadline.” Responding to the urgent request of a loved one, especially a child, or of a valued client or customer is another.
The short answer is, You Bet! Too many people equate introversion with shyness, when in fact introverts are simply people who rely more on inner resources than outer ones, and deeply need a certain amount of solitude in which to re-charge their batteries.
As more and more attention is being paid to introversion, thanks to Susan Cain and her book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking,” the world is slowly becoming aware of introvert value and, what’s better, willing to make some adjustments to accommodate introverts and recognize our ability to make valuable contributions. For example, Steelcase, an international company providing “office furnishing solutions,” has designed a special “Susan Cain room”: a soundproofed room to which an employee can retreat for respite from the stimulus overload of a busy office.
Earlier in my life, I was bemused at the sight of a number of people who had talent and persistence, but never seemed to get the break that allowed them to display that talent. At the same time, it was puzzling to see much less qualified people rise to the top. Not always, not even very often, but often enough that it was disturbing to observe. It seems as if some people just seem to waltz through life, encountering one lucky break or loving, supportive person after another.
After my talks, people often come up to me and say, “I used to be an introvert – but I got over it,” or, “I’m not sure; sometimes I think I’m one thing and sometimes the other. Can you be both?” Actually, you can be both, changing from one situation to another, or changing over time from one to the other, then sliding back. That’s why I call the introversion-extroversion dimension a sliding scale.
I remember this sign in an organization for which I worked years ago, and when I thought of some of my colleagues, I laughed in recognition. Much later, I recognized that some of them probably had my face in mind when they looked at the sign and laughed. The expression refers to someone (me, of course) who would be a high performer in this environment, if it were not for the underperforming people around one. In fact, it often describes people who are doing something so annoying that we feel frustrated and avoidant. Here are some common turkey behaviors.
I had occasion to explore this issue myself this week, when I discovered that somehow my utility company had switched the account number and name on the bill it sends to my home each month. Confidently and proudly paying my bills online on the first of each month, I simply looked at the amount due, punched in the numbers, and sent the payments off, mentally dusting off my hands after a chore well done. Little did I know I was sending that amount of money into limbo.
Everyone tells you that you must have a clear vision of where you want to go and who you want to be. Not everyone tells you exactly how – and how not – to get to that vision. For example, suppose you want a life in which you are well paid and appreciated for your work. You want warm relationships and the time to pursue them. But suppose your nagging belief is that it’s simply not possible. After all, you’ve spent years piling up evidence to tell you that.
Has someone suggested to you that you fear success? Or have you thought it about yourself? If so, what is it you are really afraid of? I had to think about this some years ago, when I was starting out as a speaker. An enthusiastic and supportive friend of mine would say, frequently, “Maybe soon we’ll see you on Oprah’s show,” and I would shudder in horror and immediately cut back on any activities that might make me more visible.
“What do the simple folk do, to help them escape when they’re blue”, sang the King in the Broadway musical, Camelot. He felt someone had the secret, but he did not. It’s difficult to force yourself to laugh, and annoying if someone else urges you to do so when you don’t feel like it. But developing strategies to bring genuine laughter into your life can be an important part of stress management. Not only do your feelings improve; you health does, too, and your problem-solving abilities take a big step forward.
In my last article, “Watch who you share your pain with,” I described several kinds of people who only make your pain worse by saying the wrong things. I call them, collectively, Dementors, familiar to Harry Potter fans as creatures who suck all hope out of you. They may magnify your tiny symptom into sure death, or seemingly provide incontrovertible evidence that your dreams can never succeed.
A week ago, I was awakened just before midnight by an alarming phone call. The security company was calling to tell me there was an alarm going off at the historic house I manage (on a purely volunteer basis), and asked if they should send a fire engine. “Yes, of course,” I gasped, surprised they would even stop to call me first. “What’s happening?” “I’ll call you back,” the voice said, and hung up. Groggy with sleep, facing a difficult day for which I was trying to be well-rested, I weighed my options.
When I ordered the tickets for the paddleboat cruise, I was told to bring the printed order form plus a form of picture identification. We showed up at the dock, I reached into my purse – and remembered that I had put my major credit card and driver’s license into a small pouch the previous day in order to attend an art fair – and hadn’t replaced them in my purse.
Maybe – just maybe – your gut-level feeling that you shouldn’t be doing something is right. But if you’re an introvert, you’ve probably had a lifetime of being told to ignore your feelings, and urged to act just the opposite.
A friend and I took a lovely paddleboat ride on the Mississippi River one day, past old crumbling brick walls backed by sparkling new skyscrapers, learning a lot of history that we had never heard. The good time almost didn’t happen, due to a careless mistake on my part. That mistake did trigger some thoughts about small stresses in life, which in turn triggered this article. When I ordered the tickets for the paddleboat cruise, I was told to bring the printed order form plus a form of picture identification.
I read the introverts forums, I watch the comments, and I feel a little dismayed. “Why won’t people leave me alone?” “I don’t like small talk, so I avoid people.” “Being around people is just so exhausting that I spend all my free time alone.” “I hate even the thought of networking.” One gets the impression that all introverts are grumpy, asocial and even hostile to people who desire more stimulation and activity in their lives (OK, extroverts). Unfortunately, good health and success are tied to the high quality of the relationships we form. Isolation is not.
Have you ever had someone explain to you, coldly and logically, why your dream or vision is impossible, and can never come true? Well, I have. Most recently last week. As it happens, I had stopped focusing on my stress management programs during the last year, while I finished my book, The Confident Introvert, and developed programs based on it. But I went back to that topic and am now developing what I think will be a new, exciting, and very complete program, combining elements of stress and habit management that I don’t think have ever been combined in quite this way before.
Whether you are networking for business or for personal reasons, being an introvert can make the process painful. It doesn’t have to be. My interest in confidence and its opposite, social anxiety, came as the result of a painful end to a marriage in which I had become increasingly socially isolated. Finding that I had to seek new friends, I decided to go to join groups, such as alumnae groups, and go to meetings and events where I would meet people, only to find that this was very difficult.
What immediately comes to mind when you think of rewarding or pampering yourself? Let’s say you’ve been under a lot of pressure and you realize you must find a release. I asked a client recently what she would do if she took time to pamper herself, and she didn’t know. She hadn’t thought about it in a long time. She was too busy taking care of everyone and everything around her. In talking to overly-stressed clients over the years, I have found that, when they finally realize they can, or should, relax, the first things that come to mind are often:
Introverts: We’re 51% of the population, and still people don’t get who we are and how we function best. We are in your workplace as employees, colleagues, managers, bosses. We can be a family member, child, lover, or friend. We are definitely well represented among your clients and customers. Not understanding us is your loss. You may be crying out for creative, innovative thought without realizing that you have it within your circle – housed in quiet people who too often feel shut out of group processes.
Some years ago, I called a dear friend of mine, Mary, to ask her advice. All I got was her answering machine, hour after hour. Alarmed that this usually accessible person didn’t seem to be available, I called her best friend, Amy. Together, we become more alarmed. Both of us started making calls to mutual friends, asking if they had see Mary. We then started looking at sites she might be visiting: coffee shops, cafes, stores. No Mary.
Along with joy and a feeling of connectedness to others, the holidays bring a rise in stress. Although most people over 30 experience a rise in stress over the holidays, according to the American Psychological Association, women are most likely to experience a sharp increase (44%) in stress, versus a 30% rise for men, as the bulk of the shopping, decorating and food preparation tends to fall on women.
It’s official (in case you hadn’t already noticed): technology is raising our stress level precipitously. In fact, Mike Kushner, co-owner of a computer solutions company in Palo Alto, Califo ia, has paramedics ready to respond to calls from what he calls the “digitally desperate.” Some of that desperation is created because the hardware malfunctions.
Your work or life may require speaking in public. Some people think of public speaking as delivering a talk to a large audience; others think that two or more people constitute a large enough audience to be intimidating. Are you one of the rare people who is frightened of public speaking? Note the use of sarcasm here: actually public speaking has long been the #1 fear in the United States, just ahead of nuclear warfare. You are most emphatically not alone.
Some people like to linger until the very end of a party; others like to leave early. Unfortunately, they frequently marry each other. They may very well have met and been attracted to each other because of these opposite qualities: one represents tranquility, stability, and caution, the other one represents excitement, change, and risk-taking.
I work with so many overly-busy women who are stressed beyond belief, yet they still find it difficult to say “no” to the demands that come to them from all sides. Even when they are given permission, or even urged to say no to these demands by friends, family or managers, they still find it almost impossible to open their mouths and let this sound come out. Why is this? Well, here’s one possible reason. Fear of hurting the other person or being seen as “bad” or “selfish”:
I arrived home from a trip recently and observed the same scenario I see every time I travel. When I get off an airplane, I step on the moving sidewalk and rest my carry-on bag on the moving railing, stepping to the right, just as the instructions say: “stand” on the right, and “walk” on the left. I’m the only one standing. Everyone else is running. As I stand there, passenger after passenger rushes by me, dragging luggage, brushing against me, bumping into me. Many of them glare at me; some even make a remark to their companion (not to me, of course – that would be rude).
Have you ever been caught in a race that never ends: one in which the big prize at the end is as far out of reach as it is when you started, and the small rewards along the way that might sustain you have gotten to be scarcer and scarcer? Perhaps the big prize no longer seems enticing, or even appropriate, but you’ve been so busy you haven’t even noticed its allure fading.
Hans Selye, known as the “Father of Stress,” coined the term “eustress” in 1926. It means, literally, “good stress.” Is there such a thing? You bet there is. When we’re underwhelmed by life, we seek excitement in anything from scary movies to amusement park rides; we crave new ventures and exhilarating relationships. A totally stress-free life would be not only boring, but also unhealthy, and we now have scientific proof.
I heard a wonderful story last night, from a woman who has had a varied, interesting andfrom any standpoint, successful, life. Her secret? She didn’t know there was a glass ceiling! In fact, she wasn’t aware of most barriers that frustrate the rest of us.r
January is the time of fresh starts, fresh ideas, and an urge to create a new, better life.Often, we start out with high hopes, only to sink by February 1 as if the balloon carrying our hopes had been punctured. We need a plan, a roadmap if you will, that we can follow, that will provide us with a vision, a plan, and benchmarks that help us say to ourselves, “Yes, I am moving towards what I desire.” Here is my roadmap to creating a new, exciting life:
Last week, I looked at the evaluations of a talk I had just given. One was excellent; when I glanced at the page, I realized the name of the writer. “Oh,” I remarked, “that’s just a friend.” The implication was that since the writer was a friend, there was something less valid about the praise. I had fallen into a typical error; luckily I backed out quickly.
Can you go back and change the past, or are you stuck with what you remember? That’s the key: what you remember. The fact is, our brains are stuffed with memories, only some of which we retrieve, convincing ourselves we have a true and complete picture of the past when in fact we have a partial, often negative, picture of our history.
Making a mistake or doing something klutzy can make anyone uncomfortable. Some people are more uncomfortable than others, going home, pulling the covers over their heads, and trying to sleep, haunted over and over by pictures of the embarrassing incident. Others apologize lightly and gracefully, and then seem to roll on without any noticeable psychological damage. What makes the difference? Actually, several things do. Those who handle mistakes easily are:
What’s the real source of your stress? Coaches and therapists will tell you that when people are stressed or angry, what they say they are upset about and what is the real cause are two different things.
Are you one of those people who startles easily? Finds that you’re running a little too fast or being a little too conce ed at what later look like minor events? You’re not crazy, you’re not alone, and it’s not your imagination, nor is it a lack of self control, as you may have imagined (or been told). Some people just have nervous systems that react more quickly and strongly than average. This difference starts at birth and persists throughout life.
Introverts often feel harried, trying to rush towards that time when they can kick back and relax, freed from all social – and other—obligation. This is especially true when the introvert works in a busy organization where much of what happens is not under the introvert’s control (unlike a writer, who can have the luxury of walking through the park while mentally designing the next chapter).
Yes, many do. Many do not. Performers are, surprisingly often, introverts, because performing provides a perfect platform for an introvert. A performance usually involves a structured situation with behavior that is well-rehearsed; furthermore, we can usually perform without those interruptions that force us to freeze or think too quickly, that we encounter in social situations. Many of us even learned that we could pour out our feelings and enthusiasm with a feeling of safety we never found daily life.
“I’m now able to give a talk in public, but I’m still nervous. I guess I won’t ever get over it.” The speaker was a woman in one of my seminars, and the topic was introversion and public speaking. Her assumption was that because she was an introvert, nervousness was always there, ready to undermine her performance and her confidence, and she would never be free of that awful feeling.
Time and energy bandits are habits and thought processes that can suck you dry, leaving you exhausted and harried. One of these bandits, which particularly rears its head at the holiday season, is perfectionism. Now perfectionism is a wonderful trait – in its place. Some of the places where it is advisable to practice perfectionism include brain surgery (or any kind of surgery), pharmacy, air traffic control, operation of any kind of heavy equipment, including motor vehicles, or any other activity that seriously threatens the health and safety of living things.
We often say that stress isn’t just something that happens to you, it’s a choice you make about how to react to what happens to you. In a sense this is true, but it is an unconscious choice. You’re not only unaware that you’re making a choice, but even that there are any other options.