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Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.
Would the prince have chose Cinderella to marry if she was a miserable young woman? If her stepsisters were beautiful but miserable, would he have chosen either of them? Are you living under the delusion that when you meet your soul mate you will finally be happy - that your misery is because ...
Good relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my clients state that, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.” This is not a true statement, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health ...
"I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line." --Lucile Ball, 1911-1989, Comedienne and Actress Lucile Ball was a very smart woman! Do you believe that if you put others first, they will love and value you and you will feel loved? Has this worked for you?
If you feel empty, you are not alone in feeling this way. Many people feel empty inside, and most people who feel empty have some deep false beliefs regarding why they feel empty. Below are some of these false beliefs. I feel empty because: • My partner is not giving me enough love and attention. • I don't have a partner. • I'm bored because my partner doesn't provide me with enough stimulation.
The fear of rejection is a huge issue in relationships. For some, the fear is so huge that it stops them from being in a relationship. For others, it plagues them throughout their relationships and causes much anxiety. Rejection is a part of life, and learning to lovingly manage it is very important to our wellbeing. To help you learn to move beyond the fear of rejection, I would like to help you see who a person is rejecting when they reject you. Are they rejecting your wounded self or your core Self?
Some people believe that it is caring to point out their partner's flaws - that it will help to make that person a better person. But the intent behind pointing out flaws is not loving - it is controlling. Pointing Out Flaws By pointing out flaws, you hope that your partner will let go of the things that you don't like and become more the person you want him or her to be. Now, be honest with yourself - is it working? Your partner might have one of two major responses to your judgments.
You are emotionally dependent when your happiness, sense of safety, and sense of worth are dependent upon others' love, attention, and approval. When you were growing up, perhaps you heard statements like: "What will the neighbors think?" "What will__(so and so)__think if you do that?"
"I can have a really great day, but when I wake up the next morning I feel anxious. Sometimes the better day I've had, the more anxious I am the next morning. I can't figure it out." I hear this over and over from my clients. What is happening here? The Tyranny of the Ego Wounded Self
Research indicates that children would rather be yelled at than ignored. When prisoners are being punished, they are put in isolation, because being isolated is one of the harshest punishments there is - other than physical abuse. The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way to attempt to control children and partners into doing what you want them to do. It is a withdrawal of approval, and can cause much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.
What is a high maintenance relationship? A high maintenance relationship is when someone is making you responsible for him or her in various different areas of life. Emotional High Maintenance When a person takes no responsibility for their own feelings of safety, security, worth, lovability, wellbeing, or happiness, they are high maintenance.
Are you emotionally dependent? You might want to go through this checklist. __I cannot feel lovable and worthy without another's approval. __I need a lot of attention from certain people to feel that I am okay. __I don't trust my own feelings. I need others' to validate my feelings. __I am afraid of rejection. I isolate, or try to be perfect, or agree with others, or give myself up, or shut down, and/or do many other things to avoid rejection. __I am afraid to be alone. __I often feel empty inside. __I am often anxious around others.
From the time we are born, we need validation. Loving parents offer consistent validation to their children, validating their feelings, their perceptions, their gifts and talents, their particular form of intelligence, their interests, their kindness, caring, and intuition. You are very fortunate if you received this kind of validation from your parents. If your parents also validated their own feelings, perceptions, and so on, then you are extremely fortunate, as you likely learned to do this for yourself from their role modeling.
"Why do men so often change after sex?" asked Shelley in our first phone session. "Tell me what you mean by this. What has been your experience?" I asked her.
Very often, in my work with my clients, when I ask them what they are feeling they say, "I feel sad." Often, they do not know why they feel sad. Sadness comes from two very different sources. Core Sadness Core sadness is sadness that is in reaction to something that is happening or has happened exte ally. Many life situations can cause sadness, such as:
What are couples really meaning when they say, "We can't communicate"? The issue with understanding what this means is what they mean by "communicate." All too often, when a partner states, "We can't communicate," what he or she means is "I can't get my partner to listen to me and understand things from my point of view." And unde eath this is, "If my partner only understood things through my eyes, he or she would then change and do things my way."
Clifford, 42, married with children, told me during a phone session that he was tired of not feeling happy and joyous. "As a small child, I remember being so happy and excited about life. But my parents didn't receive me at all. They were indifferent to my creativity and excitement." "Clifford, how did you feel when they didn't receive you?" "Shattered."
What are you afraid of if you say "No" to people? Here are some of the things my clients have told me regarding their fear of saying no: "I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. Then they will get angry at me and I will feel like a bad person." "I'm afraid of ending up with no friends.
The underlying basis of all addictions - and alcohol is no exception - is the avoidance of pain. While there is evidence that some people have genetic and biological predispositions toward alcoholism, not all people with these predispositions abuse alcohol or become alcohol dependent. Many ...
If you asked almost any overweight person, "Do you really want to lose weight?" the answer is likely, "Yes, I would love to lose weight." If most overweight and obese people would so love to lose weight that they spend billions a year on trying to lose weight, why is our country growing fatter? Why aren't people losing weight when they say that this is what they want to do? Because, as much as they say the want to lose weight, there is something they want even more than losing weight: they want to fill their emptiness and avoid their painful feelings.
What is Emotional Dependency? Lydia consulted with me because her relationship with her husband, Andrew, was falling apart. Andrew had moved out, stating that he could no longer tolerate Lydia's neediness and constant pull on him to make her feel loved and secure. Now that they were separated, Lydia's emotional dependency was getting even worse. She was deeply addicted to Andrew making her feel better, if only through a brief text message.
How important is your physical health to you? Of course, most people will say that they really want to be healthy, but what are you willing to DO to be healthy? And what are you willing to NOT DO to be healthy? In other words, what is more important to you than being healthy? Is more important to: • Eat fast food, or packaged, frozen and processed food, than take the time to cook healthy meals with fresh, organic healthy ingredients?
Some say that the purpose of life is to seek happiness. Is happiness the purpose, or is happiness the result of another purpose? Is happiness the meaning of life, or is happiness the result of discovering what has heart and meaning for you? There is not one right answer to this question. The ...
Take a moment to go inside and see how you define success. Is your success defined by:
Most of us have many goals in life. These goals might have to do with work, finances, relationships and family. Some of the goals that many people strive for are to feel worthy, loved, and valued. Many people spend much time in their lives seeking the approval of others, believing that getting this approval will finally give them the love, safety, security, and sense of worth that they desire. The problem with this goal is that it is an impossible goal to achieve, because it is not others' love, attention and approval that bring about a deep sense of self-worth.
What is Social Phobia? Social phobia - or social anxiety - is the fear of interacting with others in various situations: groups, work, school, parties, on the telephone, in a market or store, and so on. People with social phobia experience extreme anxiety or panic when they know that they have to talk or interact with others. They often find themselves isolating rather than risk the rejection or ridicule that they fear.
Celine, an only child, was 7 years old, her mother died tragically in a car accident. She and her father were devastated. However, unlike so many of my clients who lost parents and no one was there for them, Celine's father was completely there for her, even while dealing with his own grief and heartbreak. Celine could call him anytime at work and he would talk to her or come home to lovingly hold her. Because he was so completely there for her, her feelings of grief, heartbreak, sadness and sorrow did not get stuck in her body.
Many years ago, when I became a psychotherapist, all I knew was the traditional psychotherapy that I had learned in school, and that I had personally experienced with many different therapists and many different forms of therapy. For 18 years I practiced what I had learned, and I was never happy with the results.
"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either." - Golda Meir Do you have a lid on your tears? Do you also have a hard time laughing with your whole body? Our tears are a God-given way of expressing sadness, just as laughter is a God-given way of expressing fun and joy. Both laughter and tears release stress in loving ways, rather than having to release it through anger or through holding it in your body, which can eventually cause physical pain and illness.
Years ago, when on a book tour for our book, "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", my ex-husband and I had dinner with a couple on the East Coast with whom he had become friends. I connected with Allison (not her real name) immediately. Warm and open, I could see that she was a deeply caring woman. On the other hand, her husband Ken, while overtly charming, had a huge black hole inside that felt like a vacuum cleaner sucking the energy out of everyone. His need for attention was overwhelming to me.
"It's really important that you feel good. Because this feeling good is what goes out as a signal into the universe and starts to attract more of itself to you. So the more you can feel good, the more you will attract the things that help you feel good and that will keep bringing you up higher and higher." --Joe Vitale,?Author and Speaker The "Law of Attraction" states that like attracts like. Most Law of Attraction gurus state that there are four steps to manifestation:
Discover the difference between needs coming from emotional dependency and authentic needs that we have within a relationship. ________________________________________ Every few weeks I do a free webinar. People can listen on their computers or on the phone; they can write in asking questions or they can ask me directly on the phone. Here is one of the questions a woman – I will call her Susan - asked in a webinar on emotional dependency:
Do you feel unloved? Do you know what would make you feel loved? Ask yourself: Who do you feel loved or unloved by? Your partner? Your parents? Your children? Yourself? God? Feeling Loved or Unloved by Yourself and/or God What does it mean to feel loved or unloved by yourself? You will likely feel unloved by yourself when you abandon yourself by:
When you were growing up, how often did you hear, "What will they think?" Who are "they?" Unfortunately, "they" are everyone. Many of our parents and caregivers were love and approval addicted and geared their behavior to try to have control over getting love and approval and avoiding disapproval. This was the role modeling for many of us. Our worth was determined by what "they" would think. Most of us did not see our parents or other role models defining their own worth and validating themselves.
Guilt is an important feeling. It is the appropriate feeling to have when we have deliberately done something hurtful or harmful to others. People who can harm others without any feelings of guilt or remorse were formerly called sociopaths or psychopathic personalities, and are now defined as ...
What does it mean to emotionally heal? It means that you know what you are thinking or doing that causes fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, fear, anger, jealousy, and so on, and how to learn from and heal these painful feelings. It means that you no longer turn to addictions to avoid loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, sorrow or grief because you know how to manage and release these painful feelings. It means that you do not feel like a victim of others' choices and instead operate from a place of personal power, taking loving care of yourself rather than being reactive.
Frequently, my clients and members of our website ask me, "Is my relationship healthy? How do I know if it is healthy?" Just as physical health is on a continuum, emotional health and relationship health are also on a continuum. And, like physical health, each person may have different criteria regarding what constitutes health. For example, some people say they are very healthy if they get a cold or flu a few times a year, while others' health criteria is that they never get sick at all.
Caring = giving to another from love, for the joy of it - as a free gift Caretaking = giving to get love, giving with an agenda attached, giving yourself up Even though the actions of caring and the actions of caretaking might look exactly the same, the intention is totally different, so the energy of the actions is also completely different.
Do you believe that you need a partner to be happy? My client, Adrienne, an attractive woman in her 50’s, has been married and divorced twice. She was unhappy in both marriages, but she still believes that she needs a partner to be happy. This belief continually leads her into inappropriate ...
When we were growing up, we experienced many life situations that caused us deep heartbreak. Any time we lost someone we loved, or we were yelled at, ridiculed, shamed, ignored, not seen or connected with, physically or sexually abused, or treated in any other unloving ways, our little hearts broke. But we could not manage this intense heartbreak, so we had to learn various addictive ways of managing the feeling.
"I freak out when my husband even looks at another woman. I trust him not to wander, so I don't know why this upsets me so much." "My partner spends too much time with her friends and family. What's the point of being together if she's always gone a couple of nights a week?" "My wife wants to go back to school now that the children are older. She doesn't need to work, so why does she want to do this? It's going to take up way too much of her time."
In 1974, Dr. Virginia Satir presented the concept of mirroring in her groundbreaking book, "Conjoint Family Therapy." In 1975 Dr. Thomas Gordon wrote a best-selling book called "Parent Effectiveness Training." In the book he taught parents to "active listen," which ...
There are two kinds of New Year's Resolutions: - What you are going to do to accomplish your goals - Who you want to be Many New Year's Resolutions are of the first kind: - I'm going to lose 25 pounds this year - I'm going to exercise every day - I'm going to learn self-discipline - I'm going to double my income - I'm going to learn to fly - I'm going to take piano lessons And so on....
Do you sometimes wonder why you feel so drained after being with some people, while you feel energized when being with others? Some people are energy vampires, and actually drain energy from you. How do they do this? What can you do to avoid this? WAYS PEOPLE DRAIN ENERGY Sometimes the ways ...
Are you ready to be your own person? Are you ready to move beyond neediness and into emotional freedom? Are you ready to stop needing others to make you feel that you are okay? Are you ready to learn to fill yourself with love and define your own worth? I hope so! Being emotionally dependent is a very hard way to live.
How often do you withhold the truth from someone important to you - your partner, friend, parent, child, co-worker - because you know he or she will get angry rather than care about you? How you do feel when you don't speak your truth about something that is important to you? It is likely that you feel depressed when you don't speak up for yourself. Not speaking up about something that is important to you is a way of ignoring your own feelings and needs, and very likely will lead to depression.
We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them. Some of the ways are obvious, such as using substances and processes. Some of the ways can be very subtle.
"I know what's coming when Robert says that we need to sit down and have a talk," Maryann told me in our phone session. "He wants to tell me everything that is wrong with me. It's not about talking - it's about wanting to have control over me. Last time he did this it was all about how I spend ...
Do you believe that being "perfect" gives you control over how people feel about you?" If you do, then you are coming from 3 big false beliefs that are causing you much unhappiness. False Belief #1 "I can have control over how people feel about me." Think for a moment whether or not others have control over how you feel about them. Can someone do everything "right" and be "perfect" in their own eyes, yet you don't enjoy being around them or you don't feel connected with them?
"I have a question about envy. I'm not talking about jealousy but specifically envy and how to be happy for someone else's good fortune. I feel like I have broke new ground on this issue as I have genuinely been able to feel happy for someone else recently who achieved something I hadn't but only after going through some Inner Bonding because my first reaction was shock and envy and it upset my balance for a while. I felt like there was some competition going on in my mind. I don't feel envy with friends in general but with my lovers I do.
Why would someone be afraid of intimacy? Don't we all want to feel close and connected with someone? Yes, of course we want that, but there are very real fears that keep us from opening to emotional intimacy in a primary relationship. The Fears What is the first fearful thought you think when you think of feeling close to someone? "I'm going to be rejected or I'm going to be abandoned." "I'm going to be smothered, engulfed, controlled. I will lose myself."