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Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.
________________________________________ Is sexual addiction a real thing, or just an excuse for bad behavior? ________________________________________
________________________________________ Do you get into fights that turn ugly as the conflict escalates? Discover how to stop doing this. ________________________________________ A participant in one of my webinars asked: "Is there any way to resolve conflict if you have two 'escalating' personalities trying to solve a problem? In other words, how do you resolve conflict between two very strong willed, always-right personalities, who tend to escalate with every attempt at solving conflict?"
Discover the great power in knowing what you want and not giving up. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists…and it becomes available only when you are in the state of mind in which you know exactly what you want…and are fully determined not to quit until you get it." ~Alexander Graham Bell, 1847-1922, Inventor and Educator
________________________________________ Discover that 'healthy narcissism' is an oxymoron! ________________________________________ All of us have an ego wounded self who is narcissistic to one degree or another. For the purpose of this article, I am defining narcissism as abandoning responsibility for ourselves and expecting someone else to attend to us and define our self-worth, or expecting something exte al to fill us up and make us feel loved. Given this definition, ‘healthy narcissism’ is an oxymoron.
Is sex mostly gone out of your relationship? There are always good reasons for this. Do you identify with Lawrence, whose wife won't have sex with him? In my work with individuals and couples, I often hear this complaint. Lawrence asks:
________________________________________ Do you believe that feelings of abandonment are coming from others abandoning you - or do they come from self-abandonment? ________________________________________ When we think about abandonment, we generally think about being left by someone. But abandonment is about leaving someone we are responsible for – a child or an old or sick person who cannot take care of themselves and whom we have agreed to take care of.
Have you decided that you are not creative? Do you feel a deadness regarding creativity? “Everything about the way we start our day runs counter to the best conditions for thinking creatively,” wrote Annie Murphy Paul in an article entitled “Why Morning Routines Are Creativity Killers.” (http://ideas.time.com/2012/02/01/why-mo ing-routines-are-creativity-killers/)
________________________________________ Discover the way out of choosing the wrong relationships over and over. ________________________________________ Do you find yourself choosing a similar wrong partner over and over? This is what Laura asks about: "How can I get past the point of choosing destructive and abusive relationships over and over just because I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family? Is it better to just remain single and grow with God and be a good mom and not gravitate toward craziness?"
When someone's behavior is affecting you, what can you do, other than blame them? We Are Not Separate Some authors suggest that, when we are healthy enough, we will not be affected by others' unloving verbal behavior. We will rise above it and not take their words personally – that "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." I strongly disagree.
________________________________________ Do you believe that you are supposed to 'fit in?' You might feel differently after reading this article! ________________________________________
-------------------------------------------------------------- How honest are you willing to be with yourself regarding your intent? -------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes, when there is conflict in a relationship, it's hard to tell if you are withdrawing to avoid conflict - or as a way of punishing your partner - or if you are lovingly disengaging to take loving care of yourself.
________________________________________ A client of mine asked, "Is there such a thing as healthy caretaking?" Here is the answer! ________________________________________ I was trained by my mother and grandmother to be a caretaker. The messages were: "Your feelings are not important to us at all. You need to learn to completely ignore your own feelings and instead take care of our feelings. In return for this, we will occasionally give you some approval for being a good girl."
________________________________________ Where does your mind generally go - to the obstacles or to the goal? You CAN change your mindset if it is stopping you from having what you want. ________________________________________ Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. ~Henry Ford
What happens in your relationships when you try to get your point across to someone who isn't open to your point of view? ________________________________________ One of the situations that often creates relationship conflict is when you become devoted to getting your point across. Most of us love to be heard and understood. It feels great when someone important to us really understands things from our point of view.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. February 08, 2016 _____________________________________________________________ Learning to disce the difference between mind and soul communication is essential to learning to love yourself. Learn how to tell when information is truth from Spirit or made up from the mind. _____________________________________________________________r
________________________________________ Discover that self-love and narcissism are actually opposites! ________________________________________ It's interesting to me how often people confuse self-love with narcissism – because they are actually opposites in many ways.
________________________________________ Are you focusing on getting your partner to change to avoid a painful choice that you might need to make? ________________________________________
________________________________________ Were you taught that if you were nice others would be nice? ________________________________________ "I had this really terrible interaction on the phone with a customer on Tuesday," Carlton told me in our Skype session. "This guy was so closed and controlling. He just kept yelling about what he wanted me to do. I was being really nice, but it didn't seem to make any difference. The conversation went on for an hour and we didn't get anywhere. He just kept acting crazy. I ended up exhausted and drained. Why do people have to be like that?"r
If you grew up in a family where one or both parents used anger to control you, then anger likely plays a role in your life now. Did you grow up with anger in your household? Did one or both of your parents use anger as a way to keep you in line and have control over you? How did you respond? - You complied, trying to be the good little girl or boy and do what your parents wanted, hopeful that they wouldn't get angry so often.
Your pet knows the truth of who you are! Many of us know how unconditionally loving most dogs naturally are – unless they have been abused. Even if you don't have a dog, you've likely seen the joy they express when their person comes home after being gone for even a few minutes. If you have a dog or another pet who loves you, what would your pet say about you if he or she could talk? Take a moment to imagine what your pet would say.
________________________________________ Loneliness is a huge problem in our society. It doesn't have to be this way. ________________________________________
Discover when getting things done is healthy, and when it is unhealthy and obsessive. There are many addictive ways that most of us have learned to avoid our painful feelings, and focusing on getting things done is often one of these ways.
What is loving to yourself and others is not always clear. This article presents some important questions to consider. "Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you." Wayne Dyer, Author and Speaker Please read and fully take in this wonderful quote by Wayne Dyer. Can you do this? Can you fully support those you say you care about in doing what they want, with no expectations that they satisfy you?
_______________________________________________________ Creating a loving relationship doesn't have to be as hard as you might think! _______________________________________________________
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. March 14, 2016 _____________________________________________________________________________________ It is often tempting to tell others what to do, especially when it is obvious that they are not taking care of themselves. Discover why this usually backfires and what to do instead. _____________________________________________________________________________________
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. April 25, 2016 ________________________________________ Healing from a relationship with a narcissist is a learned process. Learn it now! ________________________________________ Many of us have been there. You met the person of your dreams – charming, intelligent, romantic, attentive, incredible chemistry and great lover. You might have been told how wonderful you are, how this was the first time your love had ever felt this way and had this level of connection, and you felt truly seen for the first time.
________________________________________ Do you know what triggers you and why? ________________________________________ Have you ever found yourself suddenly feeling angry or scared or shut down when a moment ago you were feeling fine? People or situations can trigger us into rage, anger, blame, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal, numbness, dissociation, explaining, complaining, lecturing, righteousness and so on. These triggered feelings are generally attached to previous traumatic events, such as: • Abuse – emotional, physical and/or sexualr
________________________________________ Are the holidays a joy for you or do you dread them? Are you ready to heal your celebration anxiety? ________________________________________ What were celebrations like in your home? Were they fun, connected family times that you looked forward to, or was there something about these times that made you dread them? The holidays are upon us. How are you feeling about them? ___I'm feeling excited! Holidays were so much fun in my home when I was growing up. I love the rituals, the decorations, the love and the sharing of gifts.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. April 11, 2016 ________________________________________ Why do people complain? What is it they want or hope for when they complain? In this article, discover the answers to these questions, as well as what to do about it if you are addicted to complaining. ________________________________________
Should you leave a relationship that is stuck in a negative cycle? It is quite common for me to work with clients who are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship cycle. Sarah describes a common cycle that she wants to resolve:
How is your relationship with your partner? What are the positive and negative aspects of your relationship? What are the positive and negative aspects of your relationship?
Have you found yourself in relationships where you feel empathy for your partner but your partner lacks empathy for you? Were you born with the ability to feel others' feelings? I was, and one of the issues that I had to face was that not everyone is empathic.
________________________________________ Do you often feel unappreciated? ________________________________________ "I'm a very nice person. I'm a good guy and I do nice things for people, but they never seem to appreciate me, and I feel angry about that," said Martin in one of our first phone sessions. For me, this statement holds much information regarding how Martin was trying to control others and make them responsible for him, and how much he was abandoning himself. Let's analyze this statement.
Have you ever wondered why God allows so much abuse, so much pain, so much war? "God has no hands but these." - Mother Theresa I am often asked by my clients, "If God is all powerful, why didn't he stop my father (or mother, or brother, or babysitter, or uncle or a stranger) from abusing me? Why does he allow all this abuse to go on?"
Do you judge yourself for the past? Discover why and what to do about it. Brianna wrote to me, asking:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. February 29, 2016 Are there people in your life and wounded parts of yourself who want to limit you from being in your personal power? How many of you had the experience growing up of being told in various ways to not claim your personal power and instead limit yourselves from being all you can be? Do you remember the cartoon movie "The Incredibles"? This older movie is a wonderful metaphor for this. In The Incredibles, the superheroes - those with extraordinary powers - are restricted from using their powers.
________________________________________ Many of us know that we need to be loving to ourselves, but what does this actually mean? ________________________________________ Since most of us had little or no role modeling regarding loving ourselves when we were growing up, it's often challenging to know what loving ourselves looks like. It's through my work with my inner child and my spiritual Guidance that I've discovered what loving myself really means for me. Sarah asks:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. January 04, 2016 Do you sometimes get confused regarding whether a relationship issue is about you, about your partner, or about both of you? Alexa asked me the following question: "How do you know when you are self-abandoning and being needy versus setting off fear of engulfment in your partner that is about them and not about you having done something inappropriate?" One of the ways of dealing with this kind of situation is to assume that you are ALWAYS a part of it, and that there is ALWAYS something for you to lea
Have you wondered why you are often able to take loving care of yourself when you are alone but you lose yourself in relationships? Discover the answer now! Do you find that you take loving care of yourself when you are alone, but that you lose yourself with someone you are attracted to, or around someone you want to connect with? This is a common issue. Val asks:
Relationships can provide a wonderful arena for healing love addiction. Many relationships flounder due to the issue of love addiction. Since people come together at their common level of woundedness - i.e., their common level of self-abandonment - if one partner is love addicted, it is likely that the other partner is also love addicted or addicted to caretaking the love-addicted partner.
________________________________________ How do you know if you are love addicted? Discover the answer in this article. ________________________________________ Our culture seems to promote love addiction to such an extent that it seems like a healthy way to relate. While it is very common, it is anything but healthy. Because it is so prevalent, many people don't realize they are love addicted. Henry asks:
Discover whether or not it is loving to yourself to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I was having a Skype session with Raul. He was feeling down because a woman he has recently met rejected him. He was confused because he hadn't actually really liked her on their first date, but he asked her out anyway. "Why did you ask her out again?" "I gave her the benefit of the doubt." "Raul, please look back on your relationship history and see how things have worked out with women when you gave them the benefit of the doubt."
Inner Bonding is a powerful process for healing attachment wounds. Did you have a secure, reliable loving bond with at least one parent or caregiver? Was one of your parents or caregivers consistently emotionally available and responsive to your needs? If not, then you likely have attachment wounds. Sadly, few people had parents or caregivers who were emotionally healthy enough to be loving parents with their children.
Do you have the courage to risk loving yourself – even when you might encounter your children's uncaring behavior?
You might not think you are selling your soul, but is this true? What have you given up for money and possessions? - Have you given up kindness to get ahead? - Have you given up family time for a bigger TV? - Have you given up fun for a new car? - Have you given up hobbies for a promotion? - Have you given up vacations for prestige?
Are you a woman who rarely or never thinks about sex? Have you believed that was something wrong with you? ________________________________________ Lave e wrote the following to me:
________________________________________ After reconciling with your partner, do you find yourself back in the same pattern? ________________________________________ Nancy wrote to me asking the following question:r
________________________________________ Is convenience bringing you fulfillment and joy? ________________________________________ How did we get so deeply into instant gratification? How did we get so far away from receiving satisfaction from doing things that take some time? A good example of this is food. Fast food restaurants would never have flourished if people weren't addicted to convenience. What happened to the satisfaction of preparing delicious food from scratch?
________________________________________ Are you addicted to porn and not feeling good about it? Discover the likely underlying cause and what to do about it. ________________________________________ I received the following question when I was conducting a webinar on sexual addiction: "I have had a pornography addiction since I was a teenager. I am now in my mid 30's. For the past four months I have abstained through Inner Child work, but two days ago I visited a porn site and masturbated. I feel really sad about this. What is the best way to address this?"
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. January 03, 2017 Discover how loving yourself can not only lead to the manifestation of your dreams, it can also lead to manifesting kindness and caring on our planet. "Great hearts steadily send forth the secret forces that incessantly draw great events." – Ralph Waldo Emersonr If great hearts draw great events, and therefore support our ability to manifest, then what creates a great heart?r