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Browse published articles attributed to Margaret Paul, with full-archive search.
Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, laughter, joy, and/or creativity. The experience of ...
One of the sad truths in our society is how empty many people feel, and the devastation their emptiness causes others through their resulting addictive behavior. We have all heard about the sexual acting-out of Anthony Weiner, A old Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and John Edwards. We all know about the many famous people who end up in treatment centers for alcohol and drug addiction.
________________________________________ Are you contemplating leaving your partner because you have fallen out of love? Read this first! ________________________________________ We have only to look at the divorce rate—41% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages, and a whopping 73% for third marriages (http://www.divorcerate.org/)—to know that people often fall out of love with their spouse. Why do so many people fall out of love?
Experiencing emotional intimacy with others is one of the most satisfying experiences of life. Emotional intimacy, or a sense of deep connection with another person or a group of people, occurs when each person is completely open hearted and devoted to taking 100% responsibility for their own ...
"It's time for me to move on. I've learned so much - I just know that next time it will be better." "Our new relationship has a great chance, because we've both been married before and have learned a lot. We know that this time around we will do it so much better." Is this true? Apparently not! According to research by Jennifer Baker, of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, while 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
The Encarta World English Dictionary defines "enmesh" as "to entangle somebody or something in something from which it is difficult to be extricated or separated." Are you entangled with your children in a way that is limiting both you and your children? Parents may enmesh with children when ...
"We never seem to be able to solve any problems," Kaylee told me in a phone session. "Every time we sit down to solve a problem, we end up fighting. It doesn't really matter what it is about - it always ends up the same. Is this normal? Aren't couples supposed to be able to solve ...
Lily and Don, both in their 40s, decided to get married after dating each other for a year. Lily’s children were in college, while Don still had children coming to his house every other weekend. They discovered early in their marriage that it was one thing to date and quite another to ...
Do you believe that it is your job as a parent to have control over your children? Do you find yourself trying to control your children in the ways your parents tried to control you, or in the ways you learned from siblings, friends or relatives? Do you hope that through yelling, threatening, ...
Nedra, one of my clients, was quite upset when she received an email from her friend, Roxanne, ending their friendship. The email was quite blaming, telling Nedra that she was narcissistic, selfish, and uncaring. Roxanne complained that Nedra just talked about herself and was never there for ...
Aidan decided to consult with me because he wanted to get married and have a family. A handsome man in his mid-30s, it was certainly not obvious at first glance why he could not find a partner. However, it didn't take me long to understand why relationships were not working for Aidan. Being ...
Over the 40 years that I have been counseling individual and couples, I have very often worked with people who are considering leaving their marriage. Often they say things like:nn* I no longer feel close or intimate with my spouse. I love him/her, but I'm no longer in love with him/her.nn* The ...
Linda sat opposite me at one of my five-day Inner Bonding Intensives. She had decided to attend the Intensive because her depression, which had plagued her for years, was not being helped by medication or by the numerous forms of therapy that she had tried. As she sat opposite me, telling me ...
How much of your behavior is in reaction to your partner? What do you do when your partner:nn* gets angry or irritated with you? * withdraws from you? * is blaming or criticizing you? * misunderstands you or is not seeing you accurately? * is always busy? * is complaining, needy, or pouty? * ...
Are you stuck in your life? Do you receive some satisfaction from staying stuck and from no one being able to help you get unstuck? If you are invested in staying stuck, why not do it consciously and deliberately? Here is your guide to never getting unstuck. 1. Make Resistance Your Guiding ...
"I know that my boyfriend loves me, but he has a lot of women friends. I don't get why he has to have so many women friends. I get scared and jealous when he spends time with another woman. I know I should trust him, but I don't, and I don't know what to do about this." "My wife is a very ...
How much of your behavior is in reaction to your partner? What do you do when your partner:nn* gets angry or irritated with you? * withdraws from you? * is blaming or criticizing you? * misunderstands you or is not seeing you accurately? * is always busy? * is complaining, needy, or pouty? * ...
Have you ever hear yourself say, or said to yourself, "No one appreciates me." I used to say this to myself all the time. I was constantly giving myself up to please others, and then ended up feeling completely unappreciated and resentful - until I learned how to take loving care of myself and appreciate myself. I encountered this recently with Jayden, a young man who consulted with me after his girlfriend left him and he got fired from his job as a construction worker. An alcoholic who had stopped drinking last year, he was back to drinking.
________________________________________ Breaking down keeps you stuck, while breaking open allows you to discover the power within yourself. ________________________________________ "Something I didn't want to happen, happens. I feel the resistance build within. I feel the pressure to control what is obviously out of my control. I become aware of what I'm doing—I become aware of the choice either to break down or to break open." Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open, p. 256
When you were growing up, did you ever wish that your parents were happy? Did you feel safe when they were happy and peaceful? My mother was rarely a happy person. Most of the time she was anxious, angry and felt overburdened, even though I was her only child. She rarely laughed and was often ...
It is time for less talk and more action - loving action. Loving actions are those actions that support our highest good and the highest good of others. Loving actions are those actions that are motivated by love rather than by fear. Many people who have been on a path of personal and ...
Many people have the ability to truly care and receive joy when caring from the heart. Yet even very caring people sometimes find themselves using caring as a form of control. Take a moment right now to think about a situation today in which you were caring - at home, at work, with a friend, ...
Is your experience of love that it is scarce and limited? "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Love never decreases by being shared. ~Chinese Proverb
We are born with the need to touch and be touched, skin-to-skin. If you were not held and touched with love as you were growing up, then this might be a very deep need for you. But even if you were held and touched with love, you still need it today. It is a basic need. But not all touch meets that need. There are two kinds of touch: - The kind of touch that has the energy of love - The kind of touch that has the energy of neediness The Needy Touch
Couples that have a very good relationship are not just lucky. Successful, loving relationships do not just happen. The couples that have loving relationships are taking specific actions that people in unsuccessful relationships are not taking. ACTION 1 - KINDNESS TO SELF AND OTHER Think for a ...
"My husband and I have a great working relationship. He's great to the kids, he's nice to me, he works hard on the house but he isn't very interested in getting to know me for who I really am. Any exploration around personal growth is threatening to him. Sometimes I feel so depressed to think ...
The following email was sent to me by Karen, a member of our website: “For no obvious reason this morning, I was feeling anxious and depressed. I looked at it and realized that the false belief creating all this was that I have to be perfect in order for me to allow myself to feel happiness. ...
"Science has finally confirmed what anyone who's ever been in love already knows: Heartbreak really does hurt." www.cnn.com/2011/HEALTH/03/28/burn.heartbreak.same.to.brain/index.html"In a new study using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), researchers have found that the same brain networks that are activated when you're burned by hot coffee also light up when you think about a love who has spu ed you.
We all know that most parents REALLY want to be good parents. But since it is rare for parents to take parenting classes before becoming parents, we inadvertently do lots of things to mess up our kids. This tongue-in-cheek article may help you to see what you are doing! 1. IGNORE THE ...
Jennifer consulted with me regarding her 18-year marriage. "I just don't know what to do. I believe in marriage, and I have tried to believe in my marriage. But Jake's drinking has been getting worse and worse for most of our marriage, and so are his rages. Occasionally he has hit me, and last ...
________________________________________ Are you putting 'pink slime' in your body without knowing it? ________________________________________ ABC news did a story about ‘pink slime’—an additive that is in 70% of the meat in super markets. See: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2012/03/where-you-can-get-pink-slime-free-beef/#.T1uHlFpnjUo.emailrnr
Kari and Rudy consulted with me because they kept having conflicts over the same issues over and over - primarily money, chores, and child-rearing. They were nearing the decision to separate, believing that they were incompatible. I asked them to pick one of the issues and they picked a recent conflict regarding setting limits for their children. I asked them to discuss the issue and I immediately understood why they could not resolve their issues. I explained to them that there are always two levels of communication:
Do you know how to disce when someone is being transparent and authentic and when they are being duplicitous? We seem to be living in a time when authenticity and transparency are not highly valued. We have only to look at government and many government agencies such as the FDA, politics, the military, big corporations, some religious leaders, drug companies, insurance companies and the media to see that manipulation and lies are the norm. Many of us have naturally come to mistrust much of what is being said in the media.
How long should your child breast-feed? Should your child go to pre-school? Should your child sleep with you or by him or herself? What about home-schooling vs. attending school? Most people who choose to have children want to be good parents, and they have many questions about what would be ...
"A woman who I was dating and who I really liked ended our relationship and is dating someone else. I see her all the time at the market and I feel like yelling at her." "I keep vowing not to, but I keep getting really angry at my husband when he is distant." "I lost my temper with my ...
"Security is mostly superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable." ~ Helen Keller
________________________________________ Discover that 'healthy narcissism' is an oxymoron! ________________________________________ All of us have an ego wounded self who is narcissistic to one degree or another. For the purpose of this article, I am defining narcissism as abandoning responsibility for ourselves and expecting someone else to attend to us and define our self-worth, or expecting something exte al to fill us up and make us feel loved. Given this definition, ‘healthy narcissism’ is an oxymoron.
Is sex mostly gone out of your relationship? There are always good reasons for this. Do you identify with Lawrence, whose wife won't have sex with him? In my work with individuals and couples, I often hear this complaint. Lawrence asks:
________________________________________ Do you believe that feelings of abandonment are coming from others abandoning you - or do they come from self-abandonment? ________________________________________ When we think about abandonment, we generally think about being left by someone. But abandonment is about leaving someone we are responsible for – a child or an old or sick person who cannot take care of themselves and whom we have agreed to take care of.
Have you decided that you are not creative? Do you feel a deadness regarding creativity? “Everything about the way we start our day runs counter to the best conditions for thinking creatively,” wrote Annie Murphy Paul in an article entitled “Why Morning Routines Are Creativity Killers.” (http://ideas.time.com/2012/02/01/why-mo ing-routines-are-creativity-killers/)
When someone's behavior is affecting you, what can you do, other than blame them? We Are Not Separate Some authors suggest that, when we are healthy enough, we will not be affected by others' unloving verbal behavior. We will rise above it and not take their words personally – that "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." I strongly disagree.
________________________________________ A client of mine asked, "Is there such a thing as healthy caretaking?" Here is the answer! ________________________________________ I was trained by my mother and grandmother to be a caretaker. The messages were: "Your feelings are not important to us at all. You need to learn to completely ignore your own feelings and instead take care of our feelings. In return for this, we will occasionally give you some approval for being a good girl."
________________________________________ Where does your mind generally go - to the obstacles or to the goal? You CAN change your mindset if it is stopping you from having what you want. ________________________________________ Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. ~Henry Ford
What happens in your relationships when you try to get your point across to someone who isn't open to your point of view? ________________________________________ One of the situations that often creates relationship conflict is when you become devoted to getting your point across. Most of us love to be heard and understood. It feels great when someone important to us really understands things from our point of view.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. February 08, 2016 _____________________________________________________________ Learning to disce the difference between mind and soul communication is essential to learning to love yourself. Learn how to tell when information is truth from Spirit or made up from the mind. _____________________________________________________________r
________________________________________ Discover that self-love and narcissism are actually opposites! ________________________________________ It's interesting to me how often people confuse self-love with narcissism – because they are actually opposites in many ways.
If you grew up in a family where one or both parents used anger to control you, then anger likely plays a role in your life now. Did you grow up with anger in your household? Did one or both of your parents use anger as a way to keep you in line and have control over you? How did you respond? - You complied, trying to be the good little girl or boy and do what your parents wanted, hopeful that they wouldn't get angry so often.
Discover when getting things done is healthy, and when it is unhealthy and obsessive. There are many addictive ways that most of us have learned to avoid our painful feelings, and focusing on getting things done is often one of these ways.
What is loving to yourself and others is not always clear. This article presents some important questions to consider. "Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you." Wayne Dyer, Author and Speaker Please read and fully take in this wonderful quote by Wayne Dyer. Can you do this? Can you fully support those you say you care about in doing what they want, with no expectations that they satisfy you?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D. March 14, 2016 _____________________________________________________________________________________ It is often tempting to tell others what to do, especially when it is obvious that they are not taking care of themselves. Discover why this usually backfires and what to do instead. _____________________________________________________________________________________