Codependency Articles

As we welcome the month of Thanks Giving, I become more aware of my own Gratefulness Practice. I become more attuned to everything I’m Thankful for, and specially for what I might have been taking for granted. There is so much to be thankful for!

Let’s get ahead of the impact of the end-of-year hecticness by instead of anticipating stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, conflict and the like, and going into survival mode, let’s plan on Thriving during this time. Eh? The trick is to believe that this is possible, that you can do it and that you can do your life differently for more Peace, Joy and Abundance… Yep, change doesn’t just happen you have to be intentional about it… Here are options to consider playing with to help you get traction on this Path of Ease…

Oh boy, it’s that time of year when transitions are most prevalent. How do you manage transitions? How do you gear up for new phases, stages, developments, plans, routines, opportunities, seasons, and such?These show up in all areas of our life. Some of us do better than others at managing transitions well. Leaving something we know, or love, for something new is not always easy. Peeps who experience ADD have specially challenging times with this – switching gears is not easy.

Did you know that an important part of the Human Experience is Dreaming? And, I’m not referring about the dreaming we do when we are sleeping. Dreaming, having a vision, aspiring for something, yearning… This is what drives us forward and keeps us motivated… This is what keeps us engaged and Alive… This is where there is juice!

Unfortunately I get to see how partners get in their own way when trying to create connection and intimacy with each other. I can hear the noise in their head. I can see the wheels turning. I can see the gears grinding. I can see the squirrels running around, some even holding on to nuts for posterity… I can see the wreckage. I can see the black hole. I can see their pain. If there was a device I could put on to see in their head, I would get these images. But wait, there is a device that can see in our heads, that measures brain activity…

We bring a lot more into our relationship than we are aware. We are unique human beings with a unique set of history, parenting, socialization, wounding, and experiences. As we develop and journey in our lifetime, our uniqueness plays a role in all we do including how we relate to our partner. One of the characteristics that make us unique is our sense of our self. According to Harville Hendrix, author of Getting The Love You Want, our True Self, our original whole being we were born with, has been compromised over time just by the mere fact that we live in an imperfect world.

It is just the way it is for some couples. After a while they can’t feel their partner. They don’t feel loved and actually believe their partner doesn’t care about them. They feel like just roommates, two ships passing in the night. Others don’t even see each other at night! They spend so little quality time together that they forget to show up to their relationship!

Abundance in our life is experienced in direct proportion to the level of Self Love and Self Care we give ourselves. Take a moment to soak that in. When we are stingy with our Self, our energy vibrates at a lower frequency which attracts other low frequency people, situations and results in our experience. This ranges from having your driver’s license suspended, to a tree falling on your house, to going bankrupt, to a family member becoming seriously ill, to you becoming seriously ill, and even death.

Unfortunately, the feeling of being stuck and feeling hopeless in one’s relationship is not uncommon. Many partner’s feel they are not compatible, they don’t enjoy each other’s company, and can’t see a future together… A sad state of affairs. Partners get to this point because they get entrenched in their own perspective losing sight of the other and the relationship, and the gorgeous potential... Once this is recaptured, they get along, get on the same page and get things done... They move forward creating their successful and radiant relationship!r

I have found that most relationship issues can be boiled down to taking personal responsibility and setting effective boundaries… This includes showing-up to our interactions appropriately by being intentional, mindful and compassionate. It doesn’t do anybody any good to show-up by ramming ourselves down others’ throats… That’s not actually showing-up… This is disrespectful and a boundary injury…

Sometimes we forget, or give up on, what we want to do… Sometimes we get side tracked or distracted and can’t seem to get traction… Sometimes we are afraid to follow are dreams… We believe we don’t have what it takes, and thus hold ourselves back. Can you remember a time in your life when any of these happened for you. Part of the reason this happens is because we don’t have enough personal ownership and self-Discipline. Because I knew I was getting ready to be ready (LOL) for this big project, I chose the Focus Term™ Discipline for myself when I was doing my year-end Strategizing… Eh?

In most relationships usually one partner wants more closeness and togetherness than the other. The partner that wants the togetherness and closeness derives their safety, meaning, and joy from being in relationship and in connection. They are the ones that do the “relationship work”, make the plans and keep the social calendar, they make sure everything in the home runs smoothly and that everyone has what they need, and are the ones that need to be in “touch”. When this is disrupted in anyway they don’t feel safe, confortable, grounded, happy, important or valued.

We leave freedom and independence to be celebrated on the 4th of July, and for politicians and policy makers to worry about. But freedom is a gift that should be treasured, cherished and protected in all contexts, especially in such an intimate and influential relationship in our lives such as our relationship with our partner. In our relationship, the ability to exercise our freedom is key to our and our partner’s wellbeing and that of the relationship. Without freedom your true authentic selves can not be in relationship and the relationship can not flourish and be satisfying.

I love new beginnings whether it’s a new year, a new season, a new chapter, or just a nice and simple refresh and reset… I believe these are amazing opportunities to take stock and plan anew to keep evolving and expanding ourselves and upleveling our life. This applies to all areas of our life, from personal to relationship to professional/business. A refresh and reset are great when feeling off and looking to increase connection in your relationship.r

I’ve had an interesting coming together of influences this week to inspire today’s topic (in the end only a minor detour from our Editorial Calendar). I had a request to write about addiction, and of course today is World Mental Health Day… So, I’ve decided to combine these and write about them in our usual context… [If you are in immediate need of assistance, please refer to the Hotlines provided here] There are a number of addictions that impact our Journey. The most common addictions that you might be familiar with, and possibly even have in your own life, include:

Yes, 2020 has been challenging. Yes, 2021 seems to want to start on a rough foot also… But we don’t have to let it! It is our job to create our best life regardless of what is happening out there, to the best of our ability… Today’s topic is the second step in putting a bow on it and launching into the New Year with pizzaz. I’ll cover how to do closure, clearance and celebration for paving the path for the new year.

As we are transitioning into Back2School and the Busy Season, we are to step up our game to keep up with the faster pace, fuller schedules, and additional demands. And, as we are trying to rescue what’s left of 2020... Yet, we are going into the season already exhausted, depleted, and burnt out. Our surge capacity lasted only so long… Now we have to recharge ourselves to beat this draggy feeling and to turn this thing around. The key is in cultivating resilience.

A crippling state in relationships is when partners can’t seem to get each other and get on the same page. Partners struggle with being themselves, seen, accepted, recognized and embraced. I find when couples struggle is because the partners are having a difficult time honoring themselves and each other… The partners get busy trying to be seen, acknowledged, get their needs met and have their way that they lose sight of the other and shoot themselves in the foot with their approach. They encroach on their partner bringing about the opposite of what they are actually seeking.

Life is gorgeously full and a consistent invitation to approach what’s important with intentionality, ease, presence, and mindfulness. For in how we carry ourselves impacts the experiences we create, and the Journey we live… It is up to us to make it a good one every day. How do you measure your daily success?

Last issue covered aspects of Communication (from Element2-Communication & Alignment in our Successful Couple Strategy™), the prior covered Boundaries (from Element1-Context & Mindset)… Communication is such an important part of a successful relationship. It is a very basic skill that most partners botch in their relating. They are not aware of all the different things that impact their communication and getting on the same page. They are left butting heads and hurting each other instead of really getting, accepting and supporting each other.

Wow, the year is almost over! Here is a recap of the Season’s focus. In case you missed it, you might want to take a look at these to see what still applies and what you need to embrace to gracefully waltz into the New Year! Intentionally Plan Your Holidays And Year-End (setting up your HYP) Acknowledge And Celebrate Your Accomplishments (ASPECT 1 of HYP) Letting Go, Productivity And Meaningful Holidays (ASPECT 2 of HYP) Giving, Meaning And Success (ASPECT 3 of HYP) Giving To Yourself For Ultimate Success (Reinforcement for HYP)

Why do couples struggle enjoying downtime and having fun together? As we know, opposites attract. This phenomenon is also found in couples which means that usually partners have opposite personalities, needs, wishes and preferences – including what they consider relaxing, enjoyable and fun. This does not mean that your leisure time, your Summers or vacations are doomed. This does mean a need to intentionally plan your time together so you create a win-win experiences.

Are you victimizing yourself, or are you being proactive in your life? Pick something to take charge of, to focus on, and Focus on it till you get the results you want… Let’s do this! This applies to anything in your life, obviously your relationship as well… As I usually share, partners have a tendency to focus how their partner is being, how their partner is thinking or looking at something, how their partner is feeling, what their partner is doing, how their partner is spending their time, how their partner is grooming, how their partner goes to the bathroom (sarcasm)…

We know the Holidays and year-end can be stressful and triggering. We deal with this every year. But now we have the added pressure of a raging pandemic added to the mix. We have the sensitivities and aftermath of a close and tumultuous election. We have the flavor of what 2020 has been hanging over our heads. Hey, it makes sense that holiday thoughts are stressing you out, probably a lot more than usual.r

What positive and healthy tactics have you embraced recently that are having a good impact on you? That are allowing you to be your Best Self? As you might know, when we show up with the best version of ourselves, we can conquer anything… This includes creating our radiant, authentic and successful relationship. What does showing-up with our Best Self mean? It means we embrace a Relationship Enrichment approach, we: Set empowering effective boundaries so we honor ourselves and don’t get in each other’s wayr

It is a crazy time in the world, and it behooves us to take care of ourselves well to properly weather this storm and come out as unscathed as possible after this is over. Let’s make smart decisions and set ourselves up to actually thrive. Yes? Let’s do this also! The coronavirus pandemic is impacting every thread in the fabric of our lives from where and how we work, to how our kids are educated, to how much internet bandwidth we need, to what food we have available, to how we entertain ourselves. Even to how much toilet paper we have to wipe our butts. LOL (a little humor never hurts!)r

I love observing couples. I’m always intrigued by how they operate, especially if it works for them. I’m always learning from the couples around me. I’m in awe and inspired by couples that are dedicated and devoted to making their relationship work better. I’m honored to work with the partners I work with. Their commitment to their relationship and each other is unparalleled. I love working with them. Sometimes though, the things that partners tolerate surprise me. And, the things they find egregious doubly surprise me.

I’m a therapist… I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a Certified Imago Therapist (additional training in doing couples work). Hence, I specialize in working with couples. I’m often asked what’s my niche, what’s my thing… I specialize in working with codependent couples (partners having poor boundaries and self ownership…). And, I further specialize in working with couples where apathy is ramped in their relationship. Where one partner is not involved, withdrawn, removed, difficult to engage, self absorbed and such.

Wow, we made it. The end of 2020… And, what a year it has been. Are you excited to close what some are calling the “lost year”? I actually refuse to look at it this way and choose instead to look at it as a Transition Year into our Best Self, Best Relationship and Best Life… To that end, we’ve been closing and letting go of 2020, and getting ready to properly set up 2021. Today we’ll do the last step in this process: End-of-year vision, strategy and intention…

I can tell my couples how to do things till I’m blue in the face, but unless we play deeper change is not possible… I find that we have a tendency to look for immediate gratification, the quick fix, the easy way out, and the shortest path to the Promised Land. If this approach worked we would already be an amazingly evolved species… Unfortunately, this is not the case. This approach does not work. We have to be in it to win… We have to have skin in the game to get the desired outcome. We have to have our two feet in to walk and enjoy the Journey.

I know not everybody enjoys and thrives during the holidays. Most actually don’t and struggle. I’m sorry if this is you. Tackling our Holiday and Year-End Process™ (HYP) might help… I know that our clients that fully embrace this process fare much better than those that don’t when the new year comes around… If you struggle please Gift this process to yourself!

I’ve been knee deep in upgrading my personal routines and Wellness, Connection & Success Habits™. I do practice what I preach! LOL I’ve been having so much fun exploring and playing with resources to assist me with this current Theme. One of my targets is becoming even more paperless, now in my personal life as well. As you might know, I’m the queen of sticky notes. I pretty much run my life on a sticky pad (don’t judge me!). Yes, I have major platforms running my practice, teams, and even personal life – but I still need to capture, see and touch my immediate notes and to-dos on paper.

Yep, it’s official. We, NYS, have received the “Major Disaster Declaration”. These are tough times. How are you making out as this crisis continues to ravage our area and the world? It is imperative that we are extremely proactive in helping not spread the virus and that we are extremely proactive on how we set ourselves up to weather this storm… I strongly encourage you to read last week’s issue for the mindset and strategies for not only surviving but thriving during this terrible time. It’s on our Blog: 9 Tactics for weathering your quarantinernr

How do we create a masterpiece life? How do create an awesome relationship? The answer is quite simple, we change (grow, heal, step it up a notch, etc)… How do we change? We change by taking action on new information (or old information if you sat on your a** with it thus far)… Insight, information, learning, reading do nothing for us unless we take some kind of related action, unless we implement something different.

This brings us to our current topic lineup. So far, we’ve covered aspects of Repeating Patterns (from Element3-Clarity & Dynamics), Communication (from Element2-Communication & Alignment), and Boundaries (from Element1-Context & Mindset) in our Successful Couple Strategy™… Repeating Patterns tend to kick relationships in the butt. Dissatisfying and reactive patterns that is. This is where partners feel stuck, get discouraged and potentially give up.

The longer we are with our partner and the more time goes on, there is a tendency for complacency, laziness, neglect, taking-for-grantedness, and boredom in the relationship.

Do you find sometimes that when you are doing well or feeling amazing that you question it? That you hold yourself slightly back to prevent disappointment later, because it might just be too good to be true? Well, I had this bad habit for the longest time. Sometimes, I still catch myself going there, and of course immediately course correct. For I’ve learned that’s not too good to be true, but that’s how it’s supposed to be… Enjoy it when you feel it!

I’ve been writing about stepping it up and fully embracing showering your partner with lots of love. And, I wholeheartedly stand by my position to embrace the Valentine’s Day cliché. But, I also want to warn you that there is such a thing as Loving TOO Much… Now, this does not negate the concept I’ve been endorsing and encouraging. I do want you to be Super Nice to your partner. We usually do way too little of that…

We are at after the initial hustle and bustle of getting to back2school/business, and the accompanying anxiety, stress and overwhelm. We are at a time where the new routine starts to feel like second nature and can get into the groove. Where the energy of the season is inspiring, and productivity comes with ease… Where we can more heartily play with our Autumn Bucket List! Here is one to inspire yours. And, here are 10 Autumn Couple Date Ideas to consider: Cook Autumn Inspired Healthy Recipesr Go on a haunted hay ride or haunted house tourr Have a scary movies binge dayr

One of the major consequences of running our life on overdrive is the impact on our energy, not just its vibration but how much of it we have. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed (as have you, but might not fully know it yet!) with the ability to generate energy naturally. Even during the craziest times, I had loads of energy. Though looking back, it was probably partially fueled by my adrenaline and sugar addiction (i.e., hot chocolate and Oreos for dinner while working). Ha! And, Poor Energy has tons of consequences as you might already know!

Life is full of little wonderful surprises if we allow ourselves to see them and let them in… When was the last time you were delighted by the unexpected? Are you being flexible with your approach to life, work, schedule, perspectives? Are you letting your energy flow freely? Do you allow your life approach to energize you, sustain you, elevate you? This is how the magic happens… Embracing the new season, we know that Spring is all about what I call: The Five Rs – Recharging, Restoring, Renewing, Reinvigorating and Rejuvenating.

Our relationship has a purpose. There is a reason for our relationship why we chose the partner we did. People, in more recent times, usually say they got married, or are involved in their relationship, because they love their partner, and/or have also other logical reasons why they decided to commit and stay with their partner. These are not the real reasons for why they are in their relationship! These are either socially correct or superficial reasons, and are ways for them to understand why they are with their partner.

There is truly nothing better than a full heart… When we appreciate, recognize, and are Grateful we Transcend to a higher estate infused with joy and bliss… If you are looking for the magic bullet in life, this is it… We can do our Gratefulness Practice for two reasons: One, because it just feels great and has a major positive impact in our life. Two, because being appreciative, thankful, and acknowledging makes others feel good. This is a win-win.

We are extremely powerful creatures created in God’s semblance. As we are all universally interconnected as energy and matter in the physical universe, we are omnipresent (present everywhere), omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and we are Love itself. Now that is powerful.

What routine tweaks are you implementing for more peaceful and joyful days? What systems are you putting in place to have more ease and flow in your home? What ritual can you integrate to launch the new season with spunk? What habit will you put in place to start the new quarter strong? How will you make this quarter special?

In last week’s issue we covered Detox. Another Springtime favorite is of course – Spring Cleaning. I like to cover the usual topics from a different angle that include a personal growth/wellness and relational enrichment component…

New beginnings are super exciting, and this new season promises nothing less. Not only is it a new season, but it is also Springtime when things come alive. And, this Spring is meaningful as it marks a one-year anniversary of the still ongoing global pandemic but with it hope as the vaccine is being distributed. Newness is in the air. This is the perfect time for a relationship refresh and reset. What is a relationship refresh and reset? A relationship refresh and reset is a time for renewal. It’s a time for starting again with a shift from:r

I’m operating with a new mantra, Keep clearing. Doing another round of letting go of the old (like possessions, processes, ways of thinking…), and I’m seriously embracing the concept of entering a New Era… Feeling amazing… Yay! How are you doing?

We’ve done amazing work this month getting rid of the noise, creating spaciousness, revitalizing ourselves, and just refreshing for newness… When we clean up, when we create space, when we reorganize, when we get quiet, attuned, and inspired, then we are able to tap into new realms… We can tap into anything we want… The universe is the limit… Let’s discover the newness instore for you… We can Discover newness only when we are ready for it... If we continue to have, do and be the same old, we’ll continue to create the same old… Make sure you have Refreshed for Newness: ~Declutterr

Have you ever noticed that there are certain couples in your life that you love being around, and others that you dread or avoid? How do you think others experience your relationship? Do they want to be around you and your partner? Or, do you find that you each get invites to go solo? Is your Couple Brand™ what you want it to be? Does your Couple Brand™ need upgrading? Your couple brand is the flavor of your relationship. It’s also how your relationship comes across to others, and how others think of you as a couple.