A New Look at Misbehavior

A New Look At “Mis-Behavior”
by Dr. Jane Nelsen

One of my favorite scenes from the movie Kramer Vs Kramer shows Billy shouting in anger at his Dad, “I hate you.” Dad picks him up and carries him to his room, throws him on his bed, and shouts back, “I hate you too, you little shit.”
Did this father and son really hate each other? Of course not. They loved each other very much. So what was going on?
Billy was feeling hurt because his father was busy working and wasn’t paying attention to him. The father had a deadline and got very upset when a drink was spilled all over his project. He reacted by scolding Billy with some blame, shame and pain. Billy did not feel belonging and significance and went into the mistaken goal of revenge. Dad reacted with some revenge of his own.They became engaged in a “revenge cycle.” Dad played a big part in this mis-behavior episode. He was equally, if not more, responsible.

Responsibility does not equal blame or shame.

As we take a new look at mis-behavior, the results can be very encouraging for children and adults if you do not equate responsibility with blame or shame. It is more helpful if you see responsibility as liberating—something based on awareness that you can change if you choose—not something to feel guilty about. When you realize that you may be part of the mis-behavior equation, you will have information about how to change your part, and thus help the child change his or her part.

What is mis-behavior?

When you look closely you’ll see that mis-behavior is nothing more than a lack of knowledge (or awareness), a lack of effective skills, developmentally appropriate behavior, discouragement—or, often, a matter of some incident that invites us to revert to our primitive brains where the only option is fight or flight. Adults often are just as lacking in knowledge, awareness, and skills, and engage in as much primitive brain behavior as children. This is why power struggles between adults and children are so common—it takes at least two people for a power struggle to exist. And, adults are often just as discouraged as children. Would mis-behavior (yours and your child’s) seem different if you saw it as “discouraged behavior”, “lack of skills behavior”, “reptilian brain behavior”, or “age appropriate behavior?”
Young children are usually just “acting their age”—not misbehaving. It is truly sad to think of the many young children who are being punished for behavior that is developmentally appropriate. For example, toddlers are punished for being “naughty” when their brains have not yet developed sufficiently to comprehend what is expected of them. They don’t have the language or social skills to get what they want—especially when what they want seems irrational, inconvenient, or inappropriate to the adults in their lives. It is heartbreaking to see toddlers punished by being put in time out when they have not yet developed the capability to truly understand cause and effect. How often do children “mis-behave” because they are tired or hungry? Who is responsible for this? (Often it is due to circumstances that can’t be helped, which is all the more reason to have compassion for your child and yourself instead of using the label of mis-behavior).
It may sound as though I’m advocating that parents and teachers don’t do anything about developmentally appropriate behavior that is socially inappropriate (usually called misbehavior). That is not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that parents and teachers are the adults. We want children to learn to control their behavior so we should learn to control our own behavior. With awareness, we can be the ones to take responsibility for our behavior and change in ways that invite improved behavior in children without damaging their sense of self-worth. We can be the ones to take some “time out” to re-gather ourselves until we can act thoughtfully instead of reacting thoughtlessly. I’m suggesting that we take at least equal responsibility for our misbehavior and learn to use discipline methods that are encouraging and effective long-term because they help children feel a sense of belonging and significance, are kind and firm at the same time, and teach children valuable social and life skills. Yes, effective discipline can do all that.
Positive Discipline methods include creating routines with children (which teaches life skills and invites cooperation). Adults learn that demands are an invitation to rebellion and power struggles, while “curiosity questions” (allowing children to figure out what happened, what caused it to happen, and how they can solve the problem) invites children to develop problem-solving skills and a belief in their own capability.
It can be very exciting to stop thinking of “mis-behavior” as an invitation to use punishment and, instead, see it as an opportunity to take responsibility, focus on solutions, teach valuable social and life skills, and seeing mistakes as wonderful opportunities to learn.