Attitudes Matter, July 2000

What do you want for yourself? Have you ever taken the time to make a list of what you truly want for yourself? Most of us are comfortable listing what we want for others, especially those whom we love, but if you are like me, it feels a bit selfish to "want for" ourselves.

In the next few months I want to share with you the top ten list of wants I recently made for myself, because it was very difficult for me to do so even though I am in the business of teaching self-care to others. Here are Three of The Top Ten Things I Want For Me (and you, too!).

1. I want to be toleration-free.
When I coach someone, one of the first questions I ask is, "What are you tolerating?" and then I try to help him/her set up a plan for eliminating tolerations from his/her life. This concept isn't about being intolerant or prejudiced of others different from ourselves. Eliminating tolerations is all about getting rid of the attitudes and/or situations in our lives that are harming us or blocking us from growing in some way. If we are tolerating something or someone that is not healthy for us physically, mentally, or spiritually, we are creating an environment in which we are unable to be all we were meant to be. We are unable to serve others well if we are not taking good care of ourselves. For example, I recently closed my massage therapy business and quit teaching at our local college. They were safe and secure part-time jobs, but I was tolerating too many things, including my boredom with massage and frustrations with disinterested students, in the name of a regular income. While it is scary to be building up a new business, it is also tremendously energizing to be free from two income sources that were tolerations for me. (Note: Don't quit your job unless you have reserve money in the bank! Eliminating tolerations requires a PLAN!)

2. I want to lighten up and dance with life.
I just simply take things too seriously and too personally. While I am an advocate for taking responsibility for one's life, I know I have shouldered far too many burdens not meant for me to bear. One of the goals I have is to learn how to live more joyfully even when things are not going my way. I truly believe there is someone else in charge of the Universe, and so I need to act like it and enjoy what has been created! In order to truly lighten up and dance with Life, I know we need to accept that Life is perfect as it is. My coach recently pointed out that Life is perfect if my perspective is broad enough to allow for burnt toast and sick kids and rainy vacations. However, as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, the concept of "the present is perfect" is sometimes very hard for me to accept, because even though my present life is worthy of lightness and dancing, my past (and the present of too many others) is not conducive to lightheartedness. When I am not feeling sorry for myself, I do recall many joyful days from my childhood and a sense that I had a guardian angel that would eventually lead me out of harm's way. Even when life doesn't seem perfect to us humans, I have a feeling the Creator does have a plan for our Universe, and ultimately it will wind up to be good. Life is difficult, but I think approaching it with an attitude of joyfulness will make it less of a burden to bear and more of a challenging journey to experience.

3. I want to let go of the word "failure."
I have not always been very good at dancing with burnt toast, sick kids and rainy vacations or the memories of my past abuse, because I have usually seen these occurrences as personal failures and blamed myself for their having happened. I would then proceed to spend a lot of mental energy on punishing myself for my failure as a mother, cook, vacation-planner, child, etc. Yes, I might have been responsible for burning the toast and even for weakening my son's immune system a bit by letting him stay wet too long after swimming, but my vacation plans probably didn't cause the rain! As a child, I certainly made mistakes, but they were not the reason I was abused. Mistakes are inevitable, but it is my attitude towards them that will make the difference. If I keep in mind that Babe Ruth held the record for strikeouts in his day, Michael Jordan was paid quite a bit of money despite the fact he missed some baskets, and even Pavorotti and Cecilia Bartoli miss notes when they sing, then I have a better perspective on my own mistakes. I want also to keep in mind that the only real failure is not accepting responsibility for learning or growing from our missteps along the path of Life.

In the next months, I also want to share with you my insights on the following "wants for me."

Coming in August.
4. I want to honor my true values.
5. I want to have a career that honors my education, interests, and abilities.
6. I want to live for myself and family a life full of what I most want, not should have.

Coming in September.
7. I want to have "plenty" of my own money.
8. I want to have a great time in life.
9. I want to look forward to each day.

Coming in October.
10. I want to live with a positive attitude.

I want for you to take care of yourself!

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Attitudes Matter (tm) is written and
produced by Sharina Alongi Adkins. If you have any questions or comments, please send them to:
sharina@gentlecoach.com. We would love to hear from you!

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Copyright 2000, Sharina Alongi Adkins. All rights reserved.

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Sharina Alongi Adkins, Professional and Personal Coach
Owner, The Gentle People Company T
620 W. Main Street
West Plains, MO 65775
(417) 256-4639