Does Your Ex Want You Back? Why Nothing Is Working

Refusing to accept reality or optimistic denial is so common that sometimes men and woman who are trying to get their ex back come across as unreasonable in their thoughts and attitudes -- even acting like their ex owes them something.

Even when they intellectually understand that they are broken up and not together anymore, some men and women find it really hard to accept (and even feel confused) that someone who once loved them is now cold and distant.

This inability to deal with reality as it is often provokes intense emotional anguish:

-- "Why is he doing this to me?” -- "So why does she want to talk to me now?" -- “Why did she say she's never been happier with anyone else, but then dumps me?" -- “Why does he say he loves me but doesn’t want a relationship?” -- “How could he move on so quickly, didn’t our relationship mean anything?

Often times denial is simply a case of not wanting to look at the real problem…

As they try to cope with overwhelming feelings, some people look for diversions or distractions that help them deal with the unacceptable reality without addressing the real problem(s) and without taking personal responsibility for the unacceptable reality.

These are what I call escapist strategies; a subtle but dangerous game in which the mind creatively rearranges information, distorts situational cues, and misinterprets the meanings of certain messages, all in a clumsy attempt to avoid personal responsibility. Because there is part of the unacceptable reality that the person doesn’t want to admit to even to him or herself, he or she tries to place the blame for the unacceptable reality on someone or something else.

A few examples of these escapist strategies many men and women use include:

-- My ex is damaged and needs therapy; -- My ex has commitment issues/ phobia; -- My ex is very stubborn, nothing will work; -- I think s/he is testing me -- My plate is full at the moment; -- Everybody says I am wasting my time; -- If only X would happen, everything would be fine!

These statements work as perceptual filters placed over reality only allowing in selective information that puts the blame for the unacceptable reality on someone or something else. Even when empirical evidence suggests otherwise, the person finds ways to repress, minimize, misdirect, reinterpret or explain away information that does not filter through his or her perceptual filters.

For example your ex might say: -- “I felt like something was missing”, but what you hear is “I have problems with commitment”; -- “I felt suffocated by your neediness and controlling behaviours” but what you hear is “I wasn't ready for a relationship”;