Family Values: What are yours?

Are you concerned about the foundation of your family in a rapidly changing world? Do you want to parent your children in a values-based environment? Do you want to get clear inside yourself about what your values are in order to share them with your children?

We wrote this article to help you reconnect to the values that matter to you the most and the foundation of your parenting style.

Read on as we share simple first steps toward parenting with your values in mind.

In our book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids we state that everyday thousands of messages of violence and mistrust reach our children. In addition, there is the overwhelming pressure to define ourselves by what we have rather then what we value. Confused parents are crying out for help and support.

You want to have influence with your children; you want to pass on values and guide them in ways that will contribute to their happiness and success in life.

So where to begin?

Part One: Your Values

Step One: What are your values?

Let’s start with a basic definition of values. Values for the purpose of this article are qualities desirable as a means or as an end in themselves. Qualities you might consider important are cleanliness, courtesy, respect and co-operation, to name a few.

These qualities as our definition states are wonderful in themselves and they also help you create stronger more sustainable relationships with others.

So what do you value? Make a list. To help get your thoughts rolling, look to your beliefs and ideals.

Looking to people you consider role models is another way to identify the qualities you find appealing, and that you believe by having will positively impact the quality of your life and those around you.

Step Two: What does each value look like for you?

Read over your list of values. Beside each value, you find important, write a description of what that value looks like for you.

Take cleanliness. Are you an “eat off the floor” kind of person (meaning that your floor needs to be perfectly clean), or do you define cleanliness as having clutter under control?

By taking the time to be clear about what you value and your personal definition of that quality, you can look more closely at your own life and see if indeed you are living your values.

Step Three: Not living a value but really want to?

If you find you are not living a value, but you really want to, then now is the time to ask yourself, why and why not? Is this a quality you really hold dear, or is it a left over from something YOUR parents expected of you? If you do want to focus on that quality in your life maybe it is a matter of looking how important that value is to you.

Using the example of cleanliness, your parents might have defined cleanliness as being able to “eat off the floor”, but for you controlling clutter fits what is important to you.

Before making the distinction between what your parents thought cleanliness was and what your definition is, you might have felt pressured to have a “picture perfect” house. The level of anxiety and confusion created from trying to conform to others’ definition of “cleanliness” instead of your own definition, can create resentment and tension in your family relations.

Part Two: Living Your Values with Your Children

As a parent you do have great influence over your children. It is good to remember that children learn from observing you. In fact, 95% of what they learn and remember comes from family and social interactions, not from something they read in a book or are told by an authority figure.

For your children to understand the concept of living a values-based life, they must observe you doing it.

Step One: Values-Based Home?

Home is where by your example the values you hold dear can become known and cared about by your children.

Often parents will say they want to have a calm and peaceful home. It would seem that a values-based environment would guarantee that, right?

You TELL your kids what YOU value, and assume that peace and calm will follow. That seems easy enough.

Well, raising your children in a values-based home requires that you not only share your values with them, but also take the time to understand what they value too. This step goes a long way in ensuring your home is a place of peace and calm because it demonstrates that you value your children as individuals.

Not only can a values-based home be a place of calm and peace for everyday living but it is also a foundation for your children’s future relationships as spouses, life partners, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandmothers, grandfathers, friends and colleagues.

Being clear about your values and helping your children to understand their own values, gives you and them a way to create a world where who we are, is more important than what we have.

Step Two: Have a Values Conversation with Your Kids

After you have identified your values and why a values-based home is important to you, discuss this information with your children. And listen to their responses.

Children are more willing to contribute to home life if they are clear about what is important to you, discuss this information with your children. And listen to their responses.

Having this type of conversation on a regular basis WILL lead to a peaceful, calm, values-based home.

In our book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, we go into much more detail about how to use this beginning information. We offer ways of taking what you learned about your values and combining it with more understanding about your needs and those of your children. This process allows you to create a home life that meets your purpose through respecting all members’ ideas, feelings, and needs.

Children need parents who live honestly and with commitment to their values. You have always known this, but now you have a few first steps toward this end.

This is an invitation and opportunity to get clear about what has purpose and meaning for you and your family and to do your best together to live in harmony with it.